The Final Round? (2/9/2007)

Hello to All,

I remember standing in the lobby of M.D. Anderson back on September 1st, making phone calls back to Dallas and elsewhere. The doctor had just confirmed that Ann had angiosarcoma. The initial treatment plan would consist of an aggressive 6-8 rounds of chemo, which would require Ann to live in Houston for the first five weeks and then every third week after that. I remember being overwhelmed with questions like "What will the chemo do to Ann?", "Where will the kids stay?", and "How will I manage work?".

Ann starts her eighth round of chemo this afternoon. There were certainly times when we wondered if we would make it this far. Yet here we are. God has proven his strength and love. Here are the "BigTen" reasons that we made it through these eight rounds.

11. Health insurance.
10. A flexible and accommodating work schedule.
9. Meals and gifts, cards and emails from family and friends.
8. Our kids - for their patience, resilience, and child-like faith.
7. Dave & Joan, Jim & Laurie - for walking with us because they walked it before us.
6. Bill & Sue - for providing a safe refuge in Houston.
5. Our mom's - for putting their lives on hold to keep ours from falling apart.
4. Ann's toleration of the chemo - It set her back, but it didn't knock her out.
3. The effectiveness of the chemo - The tumors shrunk by 50% twice, are now stable, and perhaps dead.
2. Prayer - ours and yours.
1. The Bible.

Prayer Requests:
* That this "last" round of chemo will completely douse any smoldering tumors.
* That the cancer would not return when we take a break from chemo.
* That God will fill Ann with hope in his character and deliverance.
* That God would heal Ann in his time and way so that she can know our grandkids.

Ps. 62:11-12
One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard:
that you, O God, are strong, and that you, O Lord, are loving.


Thank you for your continued prayer and concern,
Howard & Ann

The Stability of Our Faith (1/20/2007)

Hello to All,

Our doctor walked in to the exam room and cheerfully announced, “The scans are fine. The cancer is stable.” Her emotions and words seemed a bit contradictory, especially since we expected continued shrinkage of the tumors and were quietly hoping for “no sign of disease.”

However, she explained that angiosarcoma tumors are often initially very responsive to chemo, but then begin to stabilize. She assured us that stable is good. In fact it is difficult to tell via the scans if the cancer is dormant or dead.

This is the picture that I came away with. Ann’s liver is like a Weber grill and the tumors are charcoal briquettes. The scans show that the briquettes are about the same size as they were six weeks ago. Unfortunately, the scans can’t tell us if the briquettes are still smoldering, or if they have gone out. Only time will tell. If the tumors begin to grow after taking a break from chemo, then we’ll know that the briquettes were still on fire. To be honest we would rather walk by sight.

Popping The Question:
When we first learned that Ann had angiosarcoma, I asked the doctor in Dallas about her prognosis. He stated that it was too early to tell. Life expectancy would depend on the aggressive nature of her cancer and its responsiveness to the chemo. The worst case – aggressive and unresponsive – might mean a year.

We had intentionally chosen not to discuss that topic with our doctor in Houston, but the subject came up Friday as we asked questions like, “What chemo would be used for the next regimen?” and “How long can a person be on chemo?” We were encouraged and relieved when Dr. Steinert assured us that we were not in that worst case scenario. Medically speaking, there is no reason to expect that Ann would miss Hannah’s next birthday.

Do we put our trust in the doctor or the chemo? No. Does this bit of encouragement help us to walk by faith? Absolutely.

Our Rock:
My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly trust in Jesus’ Name.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

Matthew 7:24-25:
Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.

Prayer Requests:

• That God would continue to enable Ann to tolerate the chemo for rounds 7 & 8.
• That God would fill us with hope in his character and deliverance as we put his Word into practice.
• That God would heal Ann in his time and way so that she can know our grandkids.

Thank you for your continued prayer and concern,
Howard & Ann

Tough Questions (1/18/2007)

Hello to All,

Physically, Ann's recovery from Round 6 continued to go remarkably well. She had the pep to cheer at some of Matt's and Hannah's basketball games. She traveled with me to Arkansas to deliver Paul to John Brown University for his first semester. She didn't even require a blood or platelet transfusion this time. Perhaps the extra week of recovery at Christmas refreshed her body a bit.

Emotionally, some days can be really tough. Leaving Paul in Arkansas. Leaving Hannah on her birthday to return to Houston for Round 7. The nagging pain in Ann's back and midsection. Not feeling well day after day. The death of young man for whom we had earnestly prayed. Hope is very elusive some days.

Ann has voiced these questions:

• What if there is no God?
• What if the Bible isn't true?
• Will I be here to take the other kids to college?
• Will I be here for Hannah's birthday next year?
  

The first two are valid questions and appropriate to ponder at this point. They have crossed my mind more than once as well. Yet, I was able to confidently guarantee that God is and the Bible's true. That is the one thing we have to cling to. In fact it's all we have. Otherwise, we have no hope and death doesn't matter anyway.

In some ways the second two questions are tougher. I want more than anything to guarantee affirmative answers to Ann. I'm re-examining the Bible, reading books, and pondering circumstances, yet I'm still unable to promise that she will be healed and live to a certain age. In reality none of us have a guarantee beyond today.

I have found that my toughest task is to encourage Ann to cling to hope, without naively promising things outside my control.

Prayer Requests:

• That the God would enable Ann to cling to hope, even when circumstances seem hopeless.
• That the various tests from last night and today would show that the chemo is continuing to kill the cancer. (We will take whatever God gives, but would love it if the cancer was no longer visible.)
• That God would heal Ann in his time and way so that she might know our grandchildren.
  

John 6:66-68:
After this many of his disciples quit following him and did not accompany him any longer.
So Jesus said to the twelve, "You don't want to go away too, do you?"
Simon Peter answered him, "Lord, to whom would we go? You have the words of eternal life.


Thanks for caring and praying,
Howard & Ann

Six Rounds and Still Standing (1/1/2007)

Hello to All,

In the big picture Ann's toleration of the chemo continues to be remarkable. Again, the doctor was very encouraging in her assessment. The current plan is to attempt the eight round maximum. Our gratitude for your prayers is beyond words.

The recovery period between Rounds 5 & 6 went relatively well. The extra week off helped Ann to regain some semblance of feeling "normal".

Yet, the time was not without a few set backs. Ann developed shingles about mid way through this recovery period. Fortunately, we noticed it early and Ann was able to take an effective prescription. The pain was only difficult for a few days.

Ann again needed a platelet and blood transfusion to sustain her between the rounds. When Ann received her first transfusion a few months ago, she was disappointed. She felt as though she had somehow failed because her body needed extra help to recover from the chemo. However, after enjoying the resulting infusion of strength and energy, she now views the transfusions as a gift from God, as a source of new life not an indication of failure. We are grateful to someone somewhere who willingly gave his/her blood to sustain Ann in this struggle. We are reminded of Jesus Christ who willingly shed his blood to purchase what we could not - forgiveness of sin and life after death.

1 Peter 1:18-19:
You know that from your empty way of life inherited from your ancestors you were ransomed--
not by perishable things like silver or gold,
but by precious blood like that of an unblemished and spotless lamb, namely Christ.


Leaving the kids and I the day after Christmas to return to Houston was especially difficult for Ann. Laurie accompanied Ann at the hospital for a few days, then Sue took a turn. I flew to Houston for the last few days. Ann and I drove back to Dallas last evening and arrived in time to celebrate New Year's Eve with the kids, indulging in our traditional chocolate fondue.

When we first went to M.D. Anderson in September and learned that the initial sojourn in Houston would be five weeks and every third week after that, we were frustrated, disappointed, and angered. If God were to take Ann's life early, why add to the pain by separating her from the kids for these extended periods. However, the separation has given Ann a new appreciation for Jesus Christ's 30 year sojourn in Israel. The Son of God willingly left his Father in heaven to live among men. He was born in a manger so he could die on a cross. He was separated from His Father when he took our sins that we might be restored to the Father when we trust in him.

John 1:14, 3:16:
The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us.
We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only,
who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,
that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Prayer Requests:

• That we can maintain our trust in God's character and hope in his deliverance. At times it is really tough.
• That the tests on January 18th will show that the chemo is continuing to kill the cancer. (To be honest, we are hoping that the cancer is no longer visible.)
• That God would heal Ann in his time and way so that she can know our Grandchildren.
  

We pray that God will give you a new appreciation for the depth of his love as demonstrated by the death of his Son.

We love and appreciate you all.
Howard & Ann

Effective Chemo or an Awesome God (12/2/2006)

Hello!

We returned to Houston on Thursday for tests and met with the oncologist yesterday morning to review the results. We are encouraged that the test results again showed significant progress.

• The largest tumor in her liver shrunk another 50% since the middle of October.
• Many of the smaller tumors there are no longer visible.
• The total number of tumors has gone from dozens and dozens to about a dozen.
• The cancer in her bones remains stable. (MRI's can't really show a decrease, so stable is good news.)
• There is no evidence that the cancer has spread since the chemo has started.
  

The doctor continues to be pleased with Ann's tolerance of the chemo. Patients often have to quit this regimen because the side effects make the "quality of life" too unbearable.

The new plan is to go for the maximum of eight rounds - if Ann continues to hold up. Even if the cancer would appear to be gone after six rounds, prudence would dictate that we continue for eight.

Is God answering prayer or is the chemo effectively treating the cancer?

Philip Yancey, in his new book on prayer, writes words these words:

"In the normal course of providence, God works through and in creation, not despite it. For this reason, most answers to prayer are difficult to prove with any certainty."

Ann might just be really tough like Lance Armstrong. The chemo might be killing the cancer just as designed.

Yancey continues,

"We believe a prayer has been answered not because of any scientific criteria proving cause and effect, but because we have faith. Trusting in God's character, we can see in the relation between our prayer and an event more than a coincidence."

Prayer Requests:
Please join us in making the following items more than a coincidence:

• That Ann could focus on enjoying family and friends this month without contemplating what next year will bring.
• That Ann will hold onto hope, even when her body is tired and her emotions are spent.
• That Ann would continue to tolerate the chemo so that she can make it through eight rounds.
• That God would heal Ann in his time and in his way so that she can know our grandkids.
  

Psalms 33:18-20:
But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him,
on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,
to deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine.
We wait in hope for the LORD;
he is our help and our shield.

Thanks for praying and caring for us,
Howard & Ann

Giving Thanks (11/26/2006)

Hello to All,

Although 2006 was not the year we had hoped for, we are very grateful for God's presence and comfort, his provision and strength during the last six months. Here is our Top Ten List for giving thanks today.

10. Provision of a new job. I started with Tribridge (www.tribridge.com) at the end of March as a result of an interview with a competing consulting firm the previous September. I was an independent consultant prior to Tribridge - no sick or vacation time, no health insurance, and compensation based on billable work. My managers have graciously given me flexibility so that I can be with Ann in Houston.

9. Graduation from seminary. We are grateful that I graduated (May 13th) before the full force of the storm hit. Taking classes under the present circumstances would not be possible. Coming up a few classes short would have been exasperating.

8. Timing of my heart attack. We are thankful that my heart attack (May 15th) proceeded Ann's surgery and initial diagnosis (July 26th). Fortunately, I had regained much of my physical and emotional strength. It would have been messy if Ann's cancer had hit first.

7. Character of our doctor. Our doctor at M.D. Anderson is competent, confident, and compassionate. We need all three to have the strength and courage to fight.

6. Generosity of family and friends. Countless emails, cards, and calls have encouraged us. Delicious meals, bags of groceries, school lunch money, and gift cards have kept the kids from suffering with my cooking. Friends and family have sent generous gifts. Co-workers from Dallas and Florida have donated vacation time and cash. Our church in Iowa continues to give, as they have since we left nine years ago. Our home Bible study group here in Dallas has been indispensable. Don't go through a storm without one. We know that God has not abandoned us because you have been with us, bearing our burdens (Gal 6:2).

5. Sacrifice of our moms. Both our moms have put a portion of their lives on hold in order to help us out. Both have already been with us for extended stays. Ann's mom returned for Thanksgiving and will stay past Round 5. My mom is returning for Christmas and will stay past Round 6.

4. Courage of our kids. It's hard to know at times how our kids are doing. As might be expected we have had a number of family meltdowns. However, we take heart that teachers, youth pastors, and friends have all observed that the kids seem to be handling the separation, fear, and uncertainty quite well. We are grateful for your heartfelt prayers for our kids.

3. Faith of our friends. DeeDee, a nurse in Dallas, prayed for the initial diagnosis (90% certainty) to be wrong because God was the God of the 10%. She was right and the pathologist was wrong. Sergio, an elder in our church in Dallas, prayed for healing when I had no hope. I thought it was a nice gesture, but naive. Joe and Terry, a pastor who himself was healed from 4th stage melanoma (www.fbcwr.org), encouraged us to trust God for complete healing. It was ok for Ann to want to live and to be there for our grandkids. Charles, our pastor from Iowa, not only drove down for our first appointment with the oncologist, he is also leading the church to fight for Ann's life through prayer. Many of you have expressed your passionate prayer that Ann be healed. The list can go on and on. Your faith carries us when we are paralyzed (Mark 2:1-5).

2. Toleration of Chemo. Ann has completed four tough rounds of chemo and is holding up remarkably well. We expect that she will be able to make it through six rounds with this regimen. The test results after Round 2 indicated that the chemo was killing the cancer. We will have another group of tests on Thursday and will learn those results on Friday. We pray that six rounds will be enough.

1. The hope of Scriptures. We have been reading the Bible together each day since we first learned Ann had cancer. It was the only way we could deal with it. The Psalms provide us with comfort. The gospels provide us with hope. We believe in the resurrection of the dead (John 11:25) and we believe that Jesus heals in response to faith (Mark 10:51-52).

We hope that our Top Ten List will encourage you to see the Father in the midst of your own storm.

Thank you for your passionate prayers,
Howard & Ann
Paul, Drew, Hannah, & Matt

Recovery from Round 4 (11/21/2006)

Hello to All,

We returned from Houston a week ago after successfully completing Round 4. Our doctor was very pleased at how well Ann has tolerated the chemo. The immediate goal is to make it through Round 6. At that point the side effects of the chemo will be weighed against its effectiveness in retarding the cancer to determine if Ann continues two more rounds, takes a break, or tries another regimen. Ann is ready for a break.

When considering the toxic nature of her chemo regimen, Ann is doing tremendously well. She has only had occasional nausea, her internal organs are still functioning perfectly, and we have not had to postpone any treatments.

When considering what her "normal" life was like, she feels pretty crummy. She started to feel good after Round 3 on the day we returned to Houston for Round 4. She needed a platelet transfusion after Round 3. Today she will receive both a platelet and a blood transfusion. We need to expect that each round will be incrementally more difficult.

As might be expected the physical fatigue contributes to emotional fatigue and this recovery period has been the toughest emotionally. We are all tired of the stress.


Prayer Requests:

• That Ann would tolerate today's transfusions without any negative reactions. (The platelet transfusion last month resulted in a precautionary trip to the emergency room.)
• That Ann would enjoy Thanksgiving this week without worrying about what next Thanksgiving will bring.
• That God would completely heal Ann in his way and in his time so that she can know our grandchildren.
  

Psalm 90:13-15
So teach us to number our days, That we may present to You a heart of wisdom.
Do return, O LORD; how long will it be? And be sorry for Your servants.
O satisfy us in the morning with Your lovingkindness, That we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.
Make us glad according to the days You have afflicted us, And the years we have seen evil.


Thanks for praying and caring for us.
Howard & Ann