What a Week (5/23/2007)

Hello to All,

It was a great birthday week. Ann's mom arrived on the 8th to stay with the kids while we were in Houston. My mom came down on the 15th to help celebrate Ann's significant birthday on the 17th. Diane, our friend from Australia, also flew in for a few days on her way back to Iowa. Ann's brother and sister-in-law surprised her with a quick visit for the weekend. We capped the celebratory week with a surprise party Sunday evening beautifully executed by Laurie and Joan. Our moms and Diane left on Monday. All the emails and calls, cards and gifts were a great encouragement to Ann. Thanks to everyone for making it a memorable week.

It was also a tough week. Fear and grief peppered the festivities. Staring at an indefinite new regimen of chemo was overwhelming at times. Ann starts tomorrow afternoon with one type of chemo and will receive two types next Thursday. The cycle repeats every 21 days. We return to Houston every two cycles to see if the chemo is effective at keeping Ann afloat. Staring into an uncertain future makes faith and hope elusive.

The week also had a scary test. On the way home from Houston on the 11th, we received a call from Ann's mom reporting that Matt had whacked his eye with a rubber band bracelet at school. Lois and Paul took Matt to the family doctor and we arrived back in Dallas in time to meet them there. After a brief examination the doctor sternly told me to take Matt to the emergency room to see an ophthalmologist. His iris was half full of blood. The thirty-minute drive to the hospital was a tough two-fold test. First, I needed to stay calm because Matt wasn't. Second, I needed to decide if I would still worship God if he allowed Matt to loose his eye, especially since we had just learned that Ann's cancer was growing again. I decided that I would and God decided that he wouldn't.

Hebrews 12:7, 10-11:
Endure your suffering as discipline; God is treating you as sons.
For what son is there that a father does not discipline?

For they disciplined us for a little while as seemed good to them,
but he does so for our benefit, that we may share his holiness.
Now all discipline seems painful at the time, not joyful.
But later it produces the fruit of peace and righteousness for those trained by it.

Prayer Requests:

• That Ann would tolerate this regimen of chemo with minimal side effects and that the cancer would stop growing.
• That Ann would retain a measure of faith and hope, even when she feels crummy.
• That God would heal Ann in his way and time so that Matt's children would know their grandma's love and faith.
  

Even though we haven't responded to many emails of late, we greatly appreciate your notes, whether long or short.

Thanks for caring and praying.

Love,
Howard & Ann

The Answer is "No" (5/12/2007)

Hello to All,

We met our oncologist yesterday noon in Houston. Unfortunately, the news was not as good as we had hoped. The cancer had started to grow again in the Ann's liver. The existing lesions had increased in size. Numerous new lesions also appeared in her liver.

This news is completely disheartening and overwhelming, but not unexpected. Chemo doesn't kill angiosarcoma. In fact the doctor was encouraged that Ann's break was as long as it was. She was also encouraged that the cancer had not spread to other organs and that the tumors in her bones remained unchanged. Things could have been much worse.

We will meet with an oncologist in Dallas on Tuesday and hope to start chemo on Monday, May 21st. This new regimen will consist of a three week cycle administered in Dallas. The first Monday will be one type of chemo, the second Monday two types, and the third will just consist of blood work. After two cycles we return to Houston for tests to see if it is working, if it is keeping the cancer at bay. There is no limit set for the number of cycles for this regimen.

We specifically prayed that God would give Ann another break for Mother's Day. He said no.

• Does this mean that God doesn't answer prayer? No.
• Does this mean that God has abandoned us? No.
• Does this mean that God won't answer our ultimate prayer for healing? No.
• Does this mean we should quit praying? No.
  

Ten years ago in April Ann and I took a random business trip to Dallas. By the end of July we had migrated here to attend Dallas Theological Seminary. We never had a guarantee that we would make it, but we knew that God wanted us to try. It was rather foolish - with a wife and four kids - to sell our house in Iowa, buy a house in Dallas, quit my job in Des Moines, move to Dallas, and receive a job offer in Oklahoma on the way down. Yet, God honored our foolishness for his sake and made it all work. I graduated a year ago today.

I have no guarantee that God will choose to heal Ann, but I know he wants me to pray to that end. It's rather foolish to believe that God will heal incurable cancer; he doesn't do that any more. Prayerfully, he will honor our foolishness.

Prayer Promises:

• Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. [Luke 18:1]
• If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. [John 15:7]
• Is anyone among you ill? He should summon the elders of the church, and they should pray for him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick and the Lord will raise him up. [James 5:14-15a]

Prayer Requests:

• That a spot will open up in Dallas for Ann to start treatments on the 21st. Currently, they are booked.
• That God will strengthen Ann's heart, mind, and body to face chemo after such a nice break. She's having a tough time.
• That God will heal Ann in his time and in his way so that our grandkids can know Ann's faith and love. This remains our ultimate prayer.
  

Thank you for praying and caring for us.

Love,
Howard & Ann

A Bear and a Lion (5/5/2007)

Hello to All,

The last five weeks have seemed fairly normal and that is great. Cancer is still a big part of our lives, but it hasn’t been as oppressively big as it was over the last nine months.

Ann and I went to the Dallas Arboretum last Friday, something we had wanted to do for about a year and a half. We enjoyed marveling at God’s creative beauty and just hanging out. We talked about prayer and faith, suffering and healing. We talked about daily life and the kids, work and the future. We hadn’t had a “normal” afternoon together – one that didn’t include chemo or a doctor – in a long time. We even topped off our big afternoon with a visit to Sam’s Club.

We head back to Houston this Wednesday (5/9) for tests and will meet with the oncologist on Friday (5/11). We are both cautiously optimistic that the cancer will still be stable and that the break from chemo will continue.

What is the basis for our confidence? God has delivered us in the past, especially in response to heart-felt and persistent prayer. George Guthrie, in his commentary on Hebrews write, “Yet in the biblical literature, faith suggests a firm trust place in God, who has shown himself faithful in his dealings with his people.”

Here is our Big 12 list:

12. His provision of financial support for six years while Ann served with Campus Crusade for Christ.
11. His provision of financial support for Howard’s summer mission project in Japan.
10. His gift of a husband for Ann by her 28th birthday. (I may not be God’s gift to women, but I am His gift to Ann.)
9. His gift of Hannah (1 Samuel 1) and Matt (“gift of God”) after three miscarriages.
8. Moving to Perry, Iowa to be involved with the youth group of our church.
7. Moving to Texas to attend Dallas Theological Seminary.
6. Sustaining our family when I was unemployed and underemployed for nine months following 9/11. (Ann and I were without health insurance for about a year.)
5. Sustaining our family and keeping us intact after eight and a half years of seminary.
4. Allowing my heart attack to occur after graduation but prior to Ann’s diagnosis of cancer.
3. Motivating a friend of a friend (now our hosts in Houston) to rattle folks at M.D. Anderson to move our initial appointment up 19 days.
2. Sustaining Ann through eight rounds of aggressive chemotherapy.
1. Sustaining our faith and hope through this last year.


1 Samuel 17:34-37:
But David said to Saul, "Your servant has been keeping his father's sheep. When a lion or a bear came and carried off a sheep from the flock, I went after it, struck it and rescued the sheep from its mouth. When it turned on me, I seized it by its hair, struck it and killed it. Your servant has killed both the lion and the bear; this uncircumcised Philistine will be like one of them, because he has defied the armies of the living God. The LORD who delivered me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine."

Prayer Requests:

• That God will fill us with his peace (Isaiah 26:3) as we wait for the test results next Friday.
• That God would give Ann another break from chemo for Mother's Day.
• That God would heal Ann so that her grandkids can know her love, character, and faith.
  

Thank you for your continued prayers. We really wouldn’t be here today without the prayers of our family and friends.

Love,
Howard & Ann

Keith Tally: The God Who Delivers (4/3/2007)

October 25, 2006


Hey, Howard and Ann,

Laura & I've been thinking of you guys, praying for you.

God has been reminding me of something that happened to my dad when I was in high school. It's a "farm story" -- has references to manure -- but hopefully it's a true life parable that you can find some encouragement from.

One fall evening, I came home from football practice to find out that my dad was in the hospital. He was ok, but had been through a traumatic experience.

We had just added a new manure (animal waste) pit to the end of our farrowing house. The mother and baby pig building. The first litters of pigs had just arrived. My dad looked in a manhole cover on top of the pit, and saw a plastic pig waterer had fallen into the pit. He decided to fish it out with a hoe that was lying nearby. He reached in, and couldn't quite reach it. He reached a bit further. The waterer was on top of what waste was just starting to fill the pit. In reaching in further, he now found himself with his head, both arms and both shoulders inside the pit, with his legs outside the pit, kind of just touching the ground. Most of his weight was on his hip bones, on the concrete along the edge of the pit cap.

This was about 1:00 in the afternoon. He spent the next 4 hours or so in that position, as he couldn't get either of his shoulders back out of the hole to pull himself out. He considered diving in the rest of the way, but wasn't sure that his hips would fit through the opening, and if he was hanging even lower down, he might not be able to keep his head above the waste. Or if he did make it in, how or when he'd get back out. What he did do, to make sure he didn't slip in farther, was to wedge the hoe into the corner of the walls near the hole, and use that to hold up some of his weight. It wasn't the greatest tool for that job, but it was all he had. The marks in the walls later were a reminder of his struggle during that time.

Often, the fumes in a pit like that are enough to kill a person. But because it was just recently starting to fill for the first time, there was less of that than there would be normally. And dad said later, that when he felt like he was losing his breath, a breeze would blow through the opening on the other side of the pit, and give him a bit of fresh air.

And also, one of our farm dogs -- Penny -- a Border Collie, German Shepherd mix, stayed with him during that time. I think he could reach one of his hands outside the hole, but not his arm, and she would lick his hand.

Eventually, Mom began to wonder where Dad was. My younger brother had come home on the bus. Dad heard the bus, and tried to yell for help when he thought Kevin would be reaching the top of the lane after getting off the bus, but for some reason, the driver had driven up the lane, and dropped Kevin off in the front yard. So by the time Dad started yelling, Kevin was inside the house, and that resulted in Dad being in the pit awhile longer. When mom finally found him, she called for the ambulance, but also called a couple neighbors, one of them being Estle Foster. Estle came right down. Estle was the neighbor that Dad would call on for help with a lot of the bigger jobs on the farm, and Dad would help Estle with the big jobs at his place.

Mom & Estle were there with dad, and maybe the other neighbor, an older man. They were trying to figure out how best to get Dad out. Should they wait for the medics? What was the best way to lift him out? How many guys would they need to lift him? After talking for a bit, Estle, in a voice that I can hear in my mind, even though I wasn't there, said,

"He's been in there long enough."

Estle walked over, grabbed Dad's legs, and all by himself, and probably with some adrenaline assist, heaved him up out of that hole.

I don't know much else of what happened, and some of the details may not all be totally correct, but I do know this -- Estle was the kind of neighbor that you could count on. And when he decided that Dad had been in there long enough, you knew he was going to do all that he could do to get him out.

God has reminded me of that phrase from time to time -- that there is always a point where he looks down at us and says, "He's been in there long enough." He sustained the children of Israel while in slavery, but eventually, the day came when he said, "They've been in there long enough. " He has seen us in our sin -- trapped, unable to help ourselves out. And he has sustained us -- kept us alive. But he sent his Son, Jesus, to tell us, "You've been in there long enough." He lifts us out. Trials come our way, and we wonder if we're going to make it, but somehow, God helps us through. And out.

Sometimes God grants us sustenance -- just what we need to stay alive. A hoe in your hand, a breeze with some fresh air, a loyal dog staying with you, licking your hand. But God also grants us deliverance. It's only a matter of time.

Keith

A Nice Break (4/3/2007)

Hello to All!

The last four weeks have been fantastic. No chemo, no needles, and no trips to Houston. This was our longest break since September. Ann's pep and energy is returning. Her eyebrows and eyelashes are growing and she even has a little fuzz on her head. The anti-depressant the doctor prescribed helped take the edge off of the darkness, hopelessness and grief.

We had two great weeks of Spring Break during this last month. The three younger kids were off first. Ann was able to have a date for a day with each of them individually. Then Paul came home for a week and we had a great time with him as well. We really enjoyed the simple things: telling our day's "Highs & Lows" around the dinner table; watching the Dallas Mavericks win 9 games in a row; pigging out on chips and salsa at a local Mexican restaurant; and laughing while playing a board game with some friends. Thank you for praying for our Spring Break.

We returned to Houston last Wednesday for scans and an appointment with a "complementary care" doctor who talked with us about nutrition (including supplements), exercise, and stress management. He felt that all three items were critical in helping the fight with cancer.

We met with the oncologist on Friday to review the results of the scans. She excitedly told us the good news, that the cancer had remained stable over the four week vacation from chemo treatments. It had not grown at all. In fact she said the lesions on Ann's liver "kind of looked dead." These were by far the most optimistic words that we have heard from her. We are a long way from shore, but we are incredible grateful for where we are. Thank you for praying for our break from chemo.

The plan now is to take a six week break before returning to Houston for more tests and a visit with the oncologist just before Mother's Day. Please pray that another break from chemo will follow this one. We truly believe that Ann is where she is because of prayer.

Psalms 103:1-5:

Praise the LORD, O my soul!
With all that is within me, praise his holy name!
Praise the LORD, O my soul!
Do not forget all his kind deeds!
He is the one who forgives all your sins,
who heals all your diseases,
who delivers your life from the Pit,
who crowns you with his loyal love and compassion,who satisfies your life with good things, so your youth is renewed like an eagle's.

Prayer Requests:

• That God will fill us with his peace as we trust him during these next six weeks.
• That God would give Ann another break from chemo for Mother's Day.
• That God would heal Ann so that her grandkids can know her love, character, and faith.

"She's Been In There Long Enough"

I have attached an email that I received from Keith, a close friend from college, who grew up on a farm outside Clarinda, Iowa. Keith describes how a neighbor rescued his dad from a manure pit after exclaiming, "He's been in there long enough." The story is a picture of God's deliverance and was a great encouragement to us. Perhaps it will help you to trust "The God who Delivers" in your own situation.

Thank you for loving, praying and caring for us.

Love,Howard & Ann

A Timely Test (3/3/2007)

Hello to All!

Our doctor reported excellent results from Thursday's scans. The tumors in Ann's liver and bones remained stable, unchanged now over the last twelve weeks. Ann's lungs continue to be free of cancer. Most importantly, her liver is functioning normally, which indicates that the cancer present there has not caused damage.

The tests also confirm that Ann has held up remarkably well to the toxicity of the chemo. Her kidneys are functioning normally, which is unusual after eight rounds of this chemo regimen. Ann's brave heart is also functioning normally in spite of the chemo.

Thank you for praying this week for Ann. She was surprisingly calm yesterday as she endured the tests and was even relatively calm before today's appointment. Thank you for praying for Ann these last eight months. It may just be a coincidence that the chemo is killing the cancer without killing Ann. However, I'd be willing to bet that God is answering the persistent prayers of his people.

Dr. Steinert reiterated that "stable" is great news because it means that the cancer is not growing. The cancerous briquettes might have completely gone out, or they might still be smoldering. Time will be our test.

Four weeks without chemo. No blood work. No needles. No transfusions. No hospitals. The return to normalcy is welcome.
Four weeks without chemo. No sparring with the cancer. No lifeboat. Waiting and wondering. Walking by faith is frightening.

Please continue to pray. Now is the real test.

Luke 18:1:
Then Jesus told them a parable to show them they should always pray and not lose heart.

Hebrews 11:6:
And without faith it is impossible to please God,
because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists
and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

Thank you for carrying us this far.

Love,
Howard & Ann

A Toxic Lifeboat (2/28/2007)

Hello to All,

We head back to Houston Wednesday evening for another set of tests on Thursday morning, in order to see if the chemo is still effectively holding the cancer at bay. We will anxiously wait until Friday at 1:00 pm to learn the results.

By God's grace and in answer to your prayers Ann has held up for the maximum of eight rounds with this chemo regimen. The side effects were minimal and manageable - many patients struggle to survive five or six rounds. Most importantly the cancer shrunk by 50% after the first two rounds and another 50% after the next two. The cancer remained "stable" (i.e. not growing) after six rounds. We are praying for "no sign of disease" after eight.

This trip will be unusual because it will not include the five days of chemotherapy. The plan is for Ann to take a four week break without chemo. Tests will follow that break. If the cancer remains stable, then she will take another eight weeks off. However, if the cancer starts to grow again, then she will start a new regimen of chemo. If this new regimen is required, it would be administered in Dallas. We would just need to return to Houston for regular testing.

We are grateful to have come this far. In September it seemed impossible. How would we stay afloat? Yet, God has sustained us through the prayer and care of our family and friends. We know that God is real because we have felt his love though you.

We are relieved to have this break from chemo. Every three weeks for the past 25, Ann was hit with another wave of chemo about the time she started to feel better. We are praying that Ann will begin to feel somewhat "normal" - both physically and emotionally - during this reprieve. Some laughter would be good. Some quality time with the kids over Spring Break would be great.

We are apprehensive about what the future will bring. The chemo has been Ann's lifeboat, protecting her from the raging sea. It was safe and it became routine. However, it was also toxic. Staying in the boat is now more dangerous than fighting the sea, so Ann must leave the safety of the lifeboat and climb back into the sea. She will tread water as long as she can. Only time will tell if she is close to shore or an impossible distance from land. If she starts to go under, another lifeboat is available. It will certainly be less toxic, but it comes with no guarantee of effectiveness. It may float for a long time, or it may not float at all. It is designed to protect her from the sea but not to carry her to shore.

We are hopeful in the One who is greater than a lifeboat. We have hope in life after death because Jesus paid for our sins by the cross and he conquered death by the empty tomb. Ann trusted in Christ's death and resurrection as a little girl and knows that her future in heaven is guaranteed. We also have hope in life rather than death because the One who walked on water and calmed the sea can deliver Ann with or without a lifeboat. The ferocity of the waves and the distance from shore are irrelevant. The gospels demonstrate Jesus' ability and willingness to heal.

Thank you for praying for us. You have kept us from going under and may in time bring us to shore.

Prayer Requests:

• That God would calm the storm in Ann's heart as we wait for Friday and as we tread water this month.
• That Ann would begin to feel "normal" physically and emotionally as she takes a break from chemo.
• That we could have some quality time as a family over Spring Break. Laughter, normalcy, rest.
• That God would completely heal Ann so that our grandkids might know her. (Thanks to my friend Keith for this emphasis.)
  

Luke 8:23b-25a:
A squall came down on the lake, so that the boat was being swamped, and they were in great danger. The disciples went and woke him, saying, "Master, Master, we're going to drown!" He got up and rebuked the wind and the raging waters; the storm subsided, and all was calm. "Where is your faith?" he asked his disciples.


Love,
Howard & Ann