A Look Back (6/2/2007)

Hello,

Ann has handled the first two doses of Round 1 relatively well. The pattern seems to be that she feels pretty good on Thursday and Friday after the chemo treatment, but gets tired and achy on Saturday and Sunday. Fortunately, she has not been nauseous yet. It has certainly been easier being in Dallas, rather than Houston, for the chemo treatments. It's also helpful that the treatments are just once per week for a few hours and that they only occur two weeks out of every three.

We are planning a quick trip up to Missouri and Iowa this coming week. We will leave after Ann's doctor's appointment on Wednesday and return home in time for Round 2, which begins on Thursday, June 14th. A highlight will be visiting our church back in Perry on Sunday, where I will have the privilege of sharing lessons learned from this last year.

For a change of pace I thought I'd give Ann a chance to share her heart. Here are a few entries from her journal.

May 20th:
My heart is so heavy this morning. It has been the last few weeks. My heart is still aching. I have the fear of the unknown... Psalm 69:19 "Blessed be the Lord who daily bears our burden." Thank you Lord that you know my hurt, my pain. You understand and you are there. There is no guarantee that I will..., but Lord you are still here for me. You are my Father.

May 21st:
All these emotions and fears bottled up inside me. Not sure how I should deal with them. Know in my head and in my heart what is true... Know he loves me. Know he is good, but the pain, the fear, the hurt is still there. Feel like I should read verses and be comforted, but it doesn't happen.

May 27th:
1 Peter 4:19 "Therefore, let those also who suffer according to the will of God entrust their souls to a faithful creator in doing what is right." To you, Creator God, I entrust my hurting heart and soul. Today I choose to put my trust in you for the future. Bear my burden today. Be my strength.

May 29th:
A walk of faith - that is what God has called me to. To focus on him, to see who he is. He knows my hurts; he knows my pain. He knows my fears of the future... I can pour our those fears; I can cry my tears. He understands. He is a God of compassion and mercy. If we know God, we do not need to know why he allows us to experience what we do. Thank you Lord that I know you and that for today I can trust and believe you - that the future is in your hands.

Ann felt good enough over Memorial Day weekend to spend numerous hours in the garage helping me sift through the accumulated clutter in order to toss it, give it away, or put it back on the shelves. Ann took some time to browse through several of her old journals. The four entries recorded above were written fifteen years ago, the year that we had three miscarriages. The "fear of the unknown," the "no guarantee," and the "fears of the future" all related to the question, "Will we ever be able to have another baby?" (This was after Paul and Drew were born, but before Hannah and Matt.)

The feelings recorded in those journal entries were so parallel to her current ones that she was forced to ask, "Did I not learn the lesson the first time? Is that why God allowed me to get incurable cancer?" I concluded the opposite. I believe that because she learned to trust God in the midst of pain and uncertainty fifteen years ago, she is able to trust God with an even more difficult situation. She learned that he was faithful then. He will be faithful now, even when there is no guarantee.

Lamentations 3:21b-23:
This I recall to my mind, Therefore I have hope.
The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.

Prayer Requests:

• That Ann's blood counts would remain strong so that she can receive clearance to travel back to Missouri and Iowa.
• That God would strengthen Ann emotionally for her return home. Pete's in heaven and won't be in his chair.
• That Paul and Drew will be wise and safe while we are gone. We can't afford any more pain.
• That God would use my sermon on Sunday to encourage those needing endurance.
• That God would heal Ann in his time and way so that our grandkids can know her love and faith.
  

Thanks for praying and caring for us.

Love,
Howard & Ann


PS. I forgot to mention that the primary purpose of our northerly trek is to attend a Yarnell family reunion (Ann's dad's family). This will be the first time we've been back in St. Joseph since Ann's dad died two years ago, June 8th. The two older boys, Paul & Drew, will stay here in Dallas to work.