Blog to Book

The emails/blog entries that I wrote during the two years of Ann's cancer and the year following her death have become the backbone my book, Honest Wrestling.

 Learn More About Honest Wrestling

Honest Wrestling offers the rare opportunity to listen in on a couple "mic'd up" while enduring heart-wrenching trials such as miscarriages, job loss, a heart attack, and rare, aggressive cancer. Writing with gut-level authenticity and transparency, author K. Howard Joslin rejects easy answers and asks difficult questions:

• Is God good?
• Can we trust his Word?
• Why even to pray?
• Is it OK to ask for physical healing?
• Where is hope?
• Where is God?

Honest Wrestling offers hope-filled perspective for those currently undergoing trials and insights for encouraging the suffering.

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Where is Hope? - Part 2

Hello to All,

My friend Greg came over the other Saturday evening to watch the Dallas Mavericks win their first road playoff game in over a century. He asked me two questions. The first was, “How are you doing?” He assured me that he wanted an honest answer, so I told him my day had been fairly rotten. After talking about that a bit, he asked a second question, which was “How do you cope?” We were interrupted by Dave’s and Jim’s arrival so I didn’t have a chance to answer him that night.

If you’ve also been wondering how I cope with the devastation, robbery and finality of Ann’s death, then this email should paint an adequate picture of my hope.

But first, a question. If you could celebrate Easter anywhere in the world, where would you choose to celebrate it? Why?


Paul’s Beef
I had always assumed that the apostle Paul wrote the 15th chapter of his first letter to the Corinthians in order to convince the believers there that Jesus Christ had indeed risen from the dead. I came to a different conclusion a few months back when I was helping Matt with a paper for his Bible class.

Paul certainly did wish to emphasize the certainty of Christ’s resurrection (15:5-8). The phrase “he appeared” is repeated four times and supplies proof of his resurrection, just as the phrase “he was buried” is proof of his death. Peter and James, the Twelve and all the other apostles including Paul – they were all eye witnesses of Jesus’ literal and physical resurrection from the dead. Of great significance is the fact that over five hundred men saw the resurrected Jesus in a single event. Of even greater significance is the fact that most of these men were still alive when Paul crafted his letter (15:6). Skeptics were free to interview every one of them.

But the reality Christ’s resurrection was not Paul’s primary objection with the Corinthians. They had had received and believed Paul’s preaching; they stood firm in it and were thus saved by it (15:1-2, 11). The problem was that they were Greek.


A Good Greek
I’ve been digesting N.T. Wright’s 800-page brief, The Resurrection of the Son of God. Key thoughts from an early chapter on the ancient world include:

• Greeks, like most ancient cultures, firmly believed in ‘life after death.’
• The soul existed before the body and would continue to exist after the body was gone. It was innately immortal.
• The soul was the true person. It was set free from ‘the prison-house’ of the physical body through death.
• The road to the place of the dead was a one-way street. No one ever returned.
• This place was not a place a gloom, but a ‘far better place’ to be.
  

As I’ve restudied the Bible this year in light of Ann’s death, I’ve concluded that my image of heaven and my theology of life after death had been rooted more deeply in Platonism than in the God’s Word.


Life After Death?
‘Life after death’ is not the goal of the Christian faith. As heretical as it may sound, our ultimate hope is not in ‘going to heaven when we die,’ as awesome as that was for Ann and will be for us.

Our ultimate hope is the resurrection of our bodies. And by definition ‘resurrection’ is not synonymous with ‘life after death.’

Ann is alive now and with Jesus Christ in heaven. We can only image what she is experiencing in her glorious ‘life after death.’ But, she has not been raised from the dead. She has not been ultimately healed; she is not whole. Certainly her spirit is in heaven, but her body is still in the grave back in Iowa.

The universal meaning of ‘resurrection,’ beginning with Homer, was “a new embodied life which would follow whatever ‘life after death’ there might be.” Wright intentionally and repeatedly uses the phrase ‘bodily life after life after death.’ Resurrection has always been about physical bodies after a state of death. It was not until the second-century AD, when some Christian writers began to redefine the language, did ‘resurrection’ begin to mean a ‘state of blissful disembodied immortality.’

Paul’s beef was that some of the Corinthian believers didn’t believe in their own bodily resurrection (15:12). As good Greeks, they couldn’t.

The universal belief concerning ‘resurrection,’ apart from Judaism and Christianity, was that it was impossible. Wright indicates that the ancient world was divided into two camps:

• Those who said that the resurrection couldn’t happen, though they might have wanted it to, and
• Those who said they didn’t want it to happen, knowing that it couldn’t anyway.
  

Paul’s Argument
Paul passionately argues for the certainty of our own bodily resurrection (15:12-19). He hits twice with the same two-fold argument.

13
If there is no resurrection of the dead,
Then not even Christ has been raised.
16
If the dead are not raised,
Then not even Christ has been raised.

14-15
If Christ has not been raised,
Then our preaching is vain,
Then your faith is vain,
Then we are false witnesses of God.
17-18
If Christ has not been raised,
Then your faith is worthless,
Then you are still in your sins,
Then all who have died in Christ have perished.

Notice that Paul started with the general resurrection, not with Christ’s. The Corinthians believed that Christ had been raised from the dead (15:11). After all he was the Son of God; he could do anything. However, at least some of the Corinthians could not fathom bodily life after being dead for a time. They probably wouldn’t have wanted it anyway.

Paul was writing to Christians like my Grandpa. I remember him discussing that he wouldn’t say “and the resurrection of the body” when reciting the Apostle’s Creed on Sunday mornings. I’ve concluded, as I’ve pondered his hesitation these last months, that he was just being honest with what many of us unwittingly think. If God is spirit and invisible, and if heaven is a spiritual place up in the sky, and if our soul is immortal and our true self, and if our bodies cause us to sin… then how does a bodily resurrection fit in to all that? Paul was writing to Christians who had been subtly influenced by a Greek named Plato.

Paul was writing to correct me. Resurrection is no longer an essential doctrine to believe. It’s my anchor. It redefines my future. It’s everything.

Resurrection will give us strong, young, healthy bodies, more fit than Michael Phelps.’ Our minds will always be sharp and our motives always pure. We will have intimacy only dreamed of in this life, with relationships never marred by selfishness or destroyed by separation. We will have unending time to enjoy old friends and make new ones, to remember joys and trials from our present life and to create new adventures in the next one. We will serve and honor Jesus Christ in perfect obedience, never again tempted to sin. We will have life as God originally intended and has long promised. And this real, physical and truly human life will never end. It’s tough to imagine.

Now here’s a question. Where will we live when we are resurrected with our physical body? Will it be up in heaven or could it be in a place better than heaven?


I Will Rise
I anticipated this year’s Easter worship service like a kid counting the days until Christmas. I knew that our praise band would be leading us in I Will Rise by Chris Tomlin. It would be my chance to publically affirm my redefined hope in the bodily resurrection.

Tomlin has it right. We have incredible hope…

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail.
There's an anchor for my soul.
I can sing, “It is well.”

Because of the resurrection of Jesus Christ…

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed.
The victory is won.
He is risen from the dead.

And His resurrection guarantees ours.

And I will rise when he calls my name.
No more sorrow. No more pain.
I will rise on eagle's wings.
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise. I will rise.

Somewhat mysteriously, there seems to be a big difference between listening to a song on my iPod while sitting at my desk, and singing that song with fellow believers while standing together in public worship of the risen Christ. Though normally more reserved, I felt compelled to raise my hand for perhaps the second time in twenty-five years.


Easter
If I could go anywhere in the world to celebrate Easter, I would travel back to Iowa, to a small town named Minburn. I would drive a mile west to a hill overlooking the Raccoon River, just a couple miles from where I grew up on my Grandpa’s farm. I would visit my Grandpa’s and Grandma’s graves, as well as other relatives in Christ from five generations and proclaim, “You will rise when he calls your name.” I would stand over Ann’s grave, like we did at Christmas, and confidently affirm, “I will see you again.” To appreciate the true meaning of Easter, to feel its significance, you really need to be in a cemetery.

Resurrection is my hope in the devastation of Ann’s death, because it will permanently reverse death and will restore all that was stolen.


1 Thessalonians 4:13-18
“Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him… For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command… and the dead in Christ will rise first… Therefore encourage each other with these words.”


I do grieve. But I grieve while tenaciously clinging to this hope, to the promise of our bodily resurrection.

Thank you for listening and for praying. Tomorrow (5/2) marks one year since Ann went to heaven.

Love,
Howard, Paul, Drew, Hannah & Matt
http://www.AnnYJoslin.blogspot.com/


PS. Here is something you can do if you’d like to help us cling to our hope. We’ve been collecting songs on the resurrection, heaven, and Christ’s return. If you know of a good song –
hymn or contemporary – with these themes, then email me the title or the artist. I’ll add it to our collection if it resonates.

Where is Hope? - Part 1

Hello to All,

We returned from one of our regular trips to M.D. Anderson about a year ago last week, hopeful that the new chemo plan would continue to keep Ann afloat in her cancerous sea. We celebrated Matt’s twelfth birthday a few days later (April 11th), quietly hopeful that Ann would live to know our grandkids. She died three weeks later (May 2nd).

A thousand words would picture our living in the shadow of Ann’s death: unjust, premature, pointless, hopeless, chaos, shock, fog, disorientation, separation, pain, loneliness, emptiness, doubts, anger, brokenness, regret, guilt, grief, pain, heartache, tears, weeping…

Three words are the most graphic.

Devastation. A few months back I asked Hannah what words came to mind when she thought of death. “Devastation” was her first reply, a word that had dominated my thinking as well. It seems to signify both the destruction and the hopelessness caused by Ann’s death. Everything normal about our lives – meals and car pools, birthdays and vacations, ball games and worship services – was decimated.

Robbery. Max Lucado wrote the following in Facing Your Giants,

“Bereavement comes from the word reave. Look up reave in the dictionary, and you’ll read “to take away by force, plunder, rob.” Death robs you. The grave plunders moments and memories not yet shared: birthdays, vacations, lazy walks, talks over tea. You are bereaved because you’ve been robbed.”

Ann was robbed of growing old with me, of being a mom to Paul, Drew, Hannah and Matt, and of knowing her grandkids. She never had a “peace” about her death from cancer, though she had every confidence that she would immediately be in the indescribable presence of Jesus Christ. As any mother might, she fought death’s intrusion as long as she could. She even asked if I was still praying for physical healing, just an hour or two before she saw Jesus face to face.

I was robbed of my best friend, confidant, and compliment, even though we had trekked through seminary slowly in order to keep our marriage healthy. I find that decision making is tough now, not just because of grief, but because I no longer have her input. I miss everything about Ann, even the things that used to irk me. Frankly, I am sickened by those who have willfully tossed away their spouses; I had no choice in the matter.

The kids were robbed of their mom, even though we had intentionally sacrificed so that Ann could be a stay-at-home mom. The remainder of Hannah’s and Matt’s childhood will have an irreplaceable void, though many moms have (and will) graciously stepped in for key events like Matt’s surprise thirteenth birthday party last week. Every future event in the lives of our four kids – graduations, marriages, births of our grandchildren, ministry successes and failures – will be marred by the robbery of Ann’s death.

Death stole David’s only sister and Lois’ only daughter. A mom should never have to bury a child. (Ann’s dad Pete made out the best; he’s with her now in Paradise.) Laurie, Joan, and Shayne, Diane and Marilyn, Wanda and countless others are all robbed of opportunities to “soul slosh,” go out for coffee, shop, or discuss raising kids with Ann. They can’t even pick up the phone just to say, “Hi.”

Death even stole our future and our dreams. Ann and I will never mentor young couples in Dallas; we will never encourage pastors and their wives in Mongolia. We will never take an Alaskan cruise; we will never return to the coast at Monterey. Ann won’t be here to help plan Hannah’s wedding; Ann will never hold her grandkids. The long-anticipated freedom of our empty nest has morphed into a dread of my future loneliness.

Irreversible. Probably the most suffocating aspect of Ann’s death is that it is absolutely and utterly irreversible. There’s no rewind button. There’s no opportunity to say “I’m sorry” for the times we argued over stupid stuff. There’s no option for reshuffling priorities. There’s no chance to say “I love you” one more time.

I find myself constantly wanting to call Ann on her cell phone, especially when I’m in traffic on the way home from work. I want to talk about my day or let her know what I’ve been studying in my spare time. I want to tell her about the kid’s lives, like Paul’s upcoming internship, Drew’s first year of college, Hannah’s voice recital, and Matt’s basketball games. It often seems like she’s just away on a trip so a phone call is the most natural thing. But… there’s no cell coverage in the grave.

Friends often ask, “What can we do to help?” I’ve told the truth a few times when I said, “You can’t help. You can’t give us the one thing we really need.” Even those who love us most are utterly helpless, when it comes to giving us just one more second together. It’s impossible.

Doctor’s were incapable of preventing Ann’s death; they are certainly powerless to bring her back from the grave. They gave us no hope for a cure; they can’t even try to give us hope for life now.

Death is permanent, final, irreversible.


Where is hope?
The last six weeks were tough. Drew, Matt and I each had our birthdays without Ann, completing our family’s first cycle. The next month will be even tougher. The anniversary of Ann’s death (5/2), Mother’s Day (5/10) and Ann’s birthday (5/17) will all hit us pretty hard.

Where is hope in light of the devastation, robbery and finality of Ann’s death? In a word – Resurrection.

I had hoped to complete this email in time for Easter, but I’m already a week late and it’s long enough, so I’ll close for now. Someday I’ll send out a “Part 2” describing the hope which is the anchor for our souls.


John 11:25-26:
I am the resurrection and the life.
He who believes in me will live, even though he dies.
And whoever lives and believes in me will never die.
Do you believe this?


Thank you for listening and praying.

Love,
Howard, Paul, Drew, Hannah & Matt

Chucking the Faith?

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

It’s been eight months since Ann went to heaven. We’ve survived Mother’s Day, Ann’s birthday, Drew’s graduation and our annual hiking trip to Colorado; Drew’s leaving for college, Hannah’s first day of high school, Matt’s first day of middle school; our 23rd anniversary, Paul’s 21st birthday, Hannah’s first homecoming; Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years; and everything in between.

C. S. Lewis wrote these apt words after his wife died of cancer, “Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything.”

Thank you for the cards, emails and voice mails. Most have been left unanswered. I’m not unappreciative; I just haven’t had the energy or words to respond.

It’s difficult to know how to reply briefly to a “How are you doing?” inquiry. On the one hand I’d like to recite the unspoken thoughts, recorded by Max Lucado, of a father whose fourteen-year-old son was killed by a stray bullet. What he wanted to say was, “How do you think we are doing? Our son is dead, our life is miserable, and I wish the world would end.”

On the other hand, it’s only a white lie when I reply, “We’re surviving” to friends after worship on Sunday mornings. Even though the pain and grief, shock and loneliness is intense, we are functioning. I’ve been able to get out of bed and go to work. The kids are doing well in school. We haven’t turned to alcohol or drugs or sex to mask the pain. We are still choosing to walk with the Lord.

The following “Big 12 List” summarizes the reasons, looking back, as to why I haven’t chucked the Christian faith as a result of Ann’s death from cancer. This list is in no particular order, although first and last pairs are probably the most significant.

Big 12 List:

12. Prayers. Over 150 people emailed us on that Thursday, the day before Ann died, confirming that they would continue pray for her physical healing. Several were still praying a week later because they hadn’t received the news of her death. This knowledge has spared me the pain and guilt of falsely thinking that that her death resulted from a lack of prayer. In addition, many of you have confirmed that you are still praying for the kids and me. I can’t quantify or prove it, but I know your prayers have sustained us through the pain. Few of us, if any, truly understand the impact of those prayers. We’ll know in That Day (1 Cor. 13:12) and I’ll humbly thank you again.

11. Kindnesses. Gifts and cards, meals and gift cards, letters and phone calls. It’s difficult to stay angry at God because he has repeatedly shown us his love through the kind acts of his people.

10. Hiking. I took Hannah and Matt on a quick trip to Red River, New Mexico in June. At the end of July we returned to Rocky Mountain National Park for our annual family hiking trip. The magnificence of the mountains makes it difficult to persist in questioning the existence of God. Their magnitude reminds us that he is God and we are not. The unspoiled beauty is a shadow of the indescribable landscapes to be found on the renewed Earth. (See #1 below.)

9. 24-Hour Fitness. I joined a fitness club a few days after returning from Ann’s funeral. It gave me something to be obsessive about that didn’t require emotional energy. It has helped me to sweat out the stress and grief. It has kept my heart from clogging up again from the mass quantities of comfort food that I’m indulging in. (The report from my cardiologist a few weeks ago was great.)

8. Co-workers. Even though time is often a person’s most important commodity, co-workers from Tribridge (http://www.tribridge.com/) sacrificed over 300 hours of their own vacation time to provide me with additional time off. As a result I was able to delay returning to work until the first week of August. I’ve also been able to effectively work part-time most weeks, using the remaining vacation time to fill in the hours that I lack. It would be impossible to overstate the impact that this had on my being able to help re-orientate the kids to life without Ann and to grieve in a healthy way.

7. Our LifeGroup. Many from our home Bible study were in Ann’s ICU room during her last hours – praying, crying and encouraging Ann to go to be with Jesus. Several planned and participated in Ann’s memorial service, sharing treasured portraits of her life. One arranged for meals to be brought in several times per week for the last two and a half years. They painted our kitchen, replaced some mini-blinds and fixed my garage door when we were in Iowa for Ann’s funeral. Various moms have stepped in to be a mom to our kids at key events during this painful year. I really wonder if we could have survived without the love and care of these friends in our LifeGroup.

6. My Mom. Her little brother died before his first birthday. Her mom died of cancer. She has experienced grief first hand and she observed her dad as he grieved the death of his only son and his beloved wife. She has shown great empathy and she’s willing to bring up the subject that many avoid. I’ve developed a new sense of respect and appreciation for her these last months.

5. Dave & Jim. We’ve consumed a lot of Diet Coke and dessert together these last eight months. I’ve been able to honestly share my story, and they’ve graciously listened. According to experts on grieving, sharing one’s story is one of the most important factors for grieving in a healthy manner and becoming reoriented after the death of a loved one.

4. My Promise. I publically promised in a sermon in August 2007, that I would continue to serve the Lord, whether God physically healed Ann or allowed her to die of angiosarcoma. I feel compelled to make good on that promise.

3. My IPod. I started listening to an IPod during Ann’s chemo treatments to help me to block out hospital noise while I tried to get in a few hours of work. Over the last two and a half years, it has become my primary means of both keeping perspective and grieving. The artists affirm faith and articulate grief when I’m often not able to. I’m able to persevere in my story as I listen to theirs. The titles of these songs tell a story in themselves.

• I Still Miss You, I Still Believe, I Will Not be Moved, I Can Only Image.
• Held, Hold, Hanging On, Still, Storm, Breathe, Crawl, Anyway.
• Never Alone, My Deliverer, Deliver Me, Bring it On, One Day at a Time, Hide My Soul.
• God is In Control, God is God, God is With Us, Faithful God, In You, He’s Alive.
• Stand in the Rain, Beauty in the Pain, Oceans from the Rain, Cry on My Shoulder.
• With Hope, Our Hope Endures, My Hope is in You, Faith Like That, Walk by Faith.
• You Are My King, You are My Rock, You are My Stronghold, You are God Alone.
• Save A Place for Me, More than You’ll Ever Know, When We See Glory, No More Pain, Homesick, Glory Baby, Come to Jesus, Thank You.
• Praise You in This Storm, Praise You with the Dance, Blessed Be Your Name.

2. God’s Character. Two fundamental questions, that we’ve asked over and over, are “Does God Exist?” and “Is God Good?” If the biblical record is true, then we can resolutely answer these two questions in the affirmative. If it is not true, then what else do we have? And since I believe it is true, then I will align my theology with that record, rather than the pain of my circumstances.

1. The New Earth. I’ve been studying about the “New Earth” (the eternal heaven) in order to attempt to make sense out of Ann’s premature death. I now believe that after the Resurrection we’ll live in physical bodies on a renewed earth. We will not be disembodied spirits (or angels), but will be fully human and we’ll enjoy human friendships and activities. Thus, my relationship with Ann has not been extinguished, but only interrupted. One day Ann will introduce us to our three babies who were miscarried and we’ll introduce Ann to her grandkids. Then we’ll enjoy adventures on the New Earth in places like Colorado, Monterey, Alaska and Mongolia. Selfishness and irritability will never mar our relationship. Time constraints will never be a frustration. Neither cancer nor death will ever separate us again.


We visited Ann’s grave in Iowa a few days before Christmas. I read these words from Max Lucado (slightly paraphrased) as tears ran down my checks into the snow.

“When you drop your kids off at school, do you weep as though you’ll never see them again? When you drop your spouse at the store and park the car, do you bid a final forever farewell? No. When you say, ‘I’ll see you soon,’ you mean it.

When you stand in the cemetery and stare down Ann’s frozen headstone and promise, ‘I’ll see you soon,’ you speak truth. Reunion is a splinter of an eternal moment away.

There is no need for you ‘to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope’ (1 Thess. 4:13).”


Revelation 21:1-4:
Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away… And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."


Thank you for your continued prayers.

Love,
Howard, Paul, Drew, Hannah & Matt

Thank You to the Yarnell Cousins

Thank you for the love, cards, gifts and prayers during the two years that Ann fought cancer and the seven months since she went to heaven. Thank you specifically for the large gift this summer. We had a good, but difficult time on our annual hiking trip to Rocky Mountain National Park. The majesty and beauty of the mountains was mingled with the pain and grief of Ann’s absence.

I’ve not had any “mystical” experiences during our storm where God has overwhelmed me with his love or comfort. Yet, I haven’t really questioned his love, nor am I able to stay angry at him, because he has repeatedly demonstrated his love through the kindnesses his people. Thank you for being his arms and hands to comfort us.

I’d like to share two episodes as examples of how the Yarnell cousins were a tremendous encouragement to us in our journey.

One highlight was breakfast with Roger and Teresa in Houston. One of our trips to M.D. Anderson for chemotherapy coincided with one of Roger’s visits for a checkup. We had a nice breakfast at Le Peeps and got caught up with each other. Roger encouraged us with his story, how God had sustained him through the painful radiation treatments and surgeries. He then made a ridiculous statement. He said that if had the choice to do it over, he would not choose to avoid his trial of cancer. The pain and suffering brought a dependency on Jesus that he wouldn’t have otherwise experienced. I’m not yet ready to make the same statement, but I am beginning to understand what he’s talking about.

Another highlight was a comment that Steve made to us sometime after Ann’s diagnosis, perhaps at a Yarnell reunion. He told us that he was praying harder for Ann than for anyone he had ever prayed for. We were overwhelmed with gratitude and we knew that God was at work. While Ann was still alive, this gave us hope to persevere in our prayers for physical healing. After Ann went to heaven, this gave me assurance that her death wasn’t my fault. Steve and hundreds of others had passionately prayed for Ann’s deliverance from cancer. Yet, God said “No” for reasons known only to him at this time. Ann didn’t die because there was a lack of prayer.

I’ve written to some that I’ve been studying about the “New Earth” (the eternal heaven) in order to attempt to make sense out of Ann’s premature death. I now believe that after the Resurrection we’ll live in physical bodies on a renewed earth and we’ll enjoy human friendships and activities.

My relationship with Ann has merely been interrupted, not extinguished. One day Ann will introduce us to our three babies who were miscarried. One day we’ll introduce Ann to her grandkids. Then we’ll enjoy adventures together on the New Earth in places like Colorado, Monterey, Alaska and Mongolia. Selfishness and irritability will never mar our relationship. Time constraints will never be a frustration. Neither cancer nor death will ever again separate us.

Ann loved her extended family and cherished the memories of Sunday dinners at Grandma Yarnell’s as well as the Yarnell reunions. Moving to Dallas eleven years ago so we could attend seminary was deeply painful for Ann. She missed her family and grieved for a year over the loss of relationship. Certainly, her greatest longing now is that all of her cousins join her someday at the resurrection so that these relationships will continue forever on the New Earth.

Thanks again for the gift and especially for the continued prayers. Ann’s absence will be particularly tough this Christmas.

Love,
Howard & Ann,
Paul, Drew, Hannah & Matt

Thank You to our LifeGroup

Thank you for the love, support and prayers during the two years that Ann had cancer and the six months since her death. It’s hard to stay angry at God because he has repeatedly shown us his love through his people, especially through you in our LifeGroup. Here are some of the ways in which you have been God’s arms of comfort during our storm:

• By praying for physical healing even when doctors never gave us any basis for hope.
• By bringing meals three or four times per week for two and a half years.
• By being there at the hospital in her last hours, encouraging her to go be with Jesus.
• By cleaning our house on the day of the memorial service.
• By providing flowers for the service, bringing beauty to the darkness.
• By planning and participating in Ann’s memorial, sharing treasured portraits of her life.
• By painting our kitchen, fixing the garage door, patching my leaky roof and replacing mini-blinds in two rooms.
• By being a mom to our kids, especially at Drew’s graduation, Matt’s sleepovers, and Hannah’s first Homecoming.
• By going out for dessert, giving me a chance vent, cry and discuss the New Earth.
• By praying for our comfort so we wouldn’t lose hope after Ann’s death.

As Dave mentioned last time, I’ve been studying about the “New Earth” (the eternal heaven) in order to attempt to make sense out of Ann’s premature death. I now believe that after the Resurrection we’ll live in physical bodies on a renewed earth and will enjoy human friendships and activities.

My relationship with Ann has just been interrupted, not extinguished. One day Ann will introduce us to our three babies who were miscarried. One day we’ll introduce Ann to her grandkids. Then we’ll enjoy adventures on the New Earth in places like Colorado, Monterey, Alaska and Mongolia. Selfishness and irritability will never mar our relationship. Time constraints will never be a frustration. Neither cancer nor death will ever again separate us.

I also believe that we’ll have LifeGroup reunions. We’ll remember and recount the ways in which we all encouraged each other during tough times and celebrated life together when times were good. In fact it’s possible that the most treasured “crown” that we’ll receive at judgment is a special depth of relationship with others on the New Earth, a depth based on the love and sacrifice shown in this life.

If this is indeed my future, then I’ll deal with the pain and grief of my present. If this is indeed our future, then I look forward to the depth of our friendships on the New Earth.

Love,
Howard & Ann, and Paul, Drew, Hannah & Matt

I Miss You, Ann (from Howard)

My Dearest Ann,

I love you. I’m crushed and broken. I can’t believe how much I miss you already. On Saturday when I was making funeral arrangements, I looked into the kitchen and nearly asked, “Hey Ann. What do you think?” Yesterday, I bought a suit and you weren’t there to match my ties. I was out running an errand this morning and reached for my cell phone to ask you for directions. I’ve silently started using a new acronym – WWMD. “What Would Mom Do?” I am truly lost without you.

You are my trusted confidant, the only one with whom I can be truly honest. You are my partner, often agreeing to my crazy ideas. You were willing to live in a yurt in Mongolia when I asked you to marry me. You consented to moving to Dallas, painfully leaving family and friends, so I could attend seminary. You are my completer. You reminded me when you needed a date. You challenged me to stop working or studying so I could spend time with our kids. You often encouraged me to show mercy or to be more patient, reminding me to let our kids be kids. You kept me grounded while in seminary, so I didn’t become more of a nerd. You are my best friend.

Thank you for pleading with God after our three miscarriages. He gave us Hannah and Matt. Thank you for pleading with God after being diagnosed with incurable cancer. We asked for twenty years. He gave us two. Thank you for pleading with me to pray for physical healing. Your desire was to “err on the side of faith,” trusting God to do the impossible. An hour before you went to heaven you asked, “Are you still praying?” and then softly smiled.

I still believe that God physically heals in answer to prayer. That is what his word says. If we had do it all over again, we would still pray and trust God to deliver.

You always hated injustice, whether in movies or on the soccer field or basketball court. You hated the fact that incurable cancer had invaded our lives. We had worked so hard to keep our marriage healthy during seminary. You hated the fact that death might destroy it. We intentionally sacrificed so you could be a stay-at-home mom. You hated the fact that cancer might rob you of this privilege. You poured your life into Paul, Drew, Hannah and Matt. You hated the fact that you wouldn’t get to see the fruit of our labors. You wanted to grow old with me, be there for our kids, and hold your grandchildren. You weren’t being selfish. You were just being you – a godly wife and mother.

Perhaps God has already explained the “why” of this to you. I can imagine that was a heated discussion. But I know that he is a gracious and patient father. He probably just gently held you in his arms while you kicked and screamed. He certainly wouldn’t kick you out like that blind basketball referee.

I’ve concluded, as I’ve mulled over things in our empty bed, that your tenacious fight was your final gift to me and to Matt, Hannah, Drew and Paul. You fought to delay the glories of heaven because you wanted to be a wife, mom and grandma. We will miss you but we will never doubt your love for us.

I love you Ann
Howard

I Miss You, Mom (From Paul)

Mom, words cannot express how much I miss you. The void that has been left from your passing is at times, unbearable and unreal. I find myself missing you and thinking of everything that I will miss you at as life continues on without you in our midst. I think of my college graduation, my wedding or my first child. I think of not hearing your laugh, seeing your smile or feeling your hugs. I will miss not being able to talk to you to get advice on dating "Weffi." I will miss not being able to see you around the house or eating your chicken enchiladas that everyone loved so much. I will miss the birthdays you won't be there for or the vacations that won't be as wonderful with out you there. I don't know how anything will ever be the same again with out you around or with us.

But to only think of what you will not be here for is wrong and unfair to you and all that you did and were to your family and friends. Instead, I will try to remember everything you were here for. My high school graduation, all the proms and homecomings and taking me to college. I will remember the times you did laugh, the times when your beautiful smile brightened my day, and the times when the warmth of your hug would heal the scabs and wounds, real and figurative, that life left on my body and heart. It is hard to think that this is the greatest wound of all and one which your laugh, smile or hugs cannot solve, heal or take away.

Still, I will remember the advice you did give, the way you taught me to love and treat women and all people in general. I will remember all the wonderful times we had. The time you were thrown out of my basketball game for being too adamant about your displeasure with the refs. I will remember the way you always took care of your husband and kids before you even thought of yourself, even while you were sick. I will remember the beautiful, loving woman you were, the lives you touched, the way you loved, the wisdom you shared, and the faith you passed on.

Thank you for always loving us selflessly and whole heartedly. You taught me how to live and serve others and God and love Him above all else. Through your relationship with Dad, I learned the commitment, service, love and fun that is required for a healthy marriage.

You showed me the service and selflessness of parenthood and taught me the grace and love of a perfect mother. You fought so long because all you wanted was to watch us grow up with Dad and be there for us as we get married and have kids. You never thought of yourself. Ever. You are dearly missed and life will always be emptier with out you. The void your passing leaves will never be filled. The wounds, although they grow smaller will never fully heal without your loving touch. I love you and will see you again someday. But not yet. First, I will run the race that has been set before me, living the faith the way you taught me and showed me: loving God and others and living for Him above all else.

I love you Mom.
Paul

I Miss You, Mom (from Drew)

Mom, the pain I'm feeling right now will never be fully gone and neither will the longing to be with you just one last time. I could never imagine what life would be like without you but now I'm forced to do more than imagine. You won't be here when I graduate in a month and you won't be here to take me to college in three. You won't be here to take part in my wedding or hold your grandchildren as you so desired. Yet, we can be thankful for the time that God did give to us. You were definitely there when I was born and you were there on my first day of elementary school, jr. high, and high school. You were here for all of my high school dances and made sure I had my pants high enough.

In the time we had you taught me many valuable lessons. The way in which you handled the cancer astounds me and all who knew you. Your faith was incredibly strong and inspired my own. Your servant heart never changed through the past two years and as a result I know truly what it means to love selflessly. Before you were diagnosed you served your husband and children without regard for your own desires and needs. After you were diagnosed you did the same. Your love never changed and I will greatly miss it.

I will also miss your laugh, your smile, and even your reprimanding looks after I had done something stupid. Yet, I will see all of these things in a later day and until then you will be greatly missed by all.

I love you Mom.
Drew

I Miss You, Mom (from Hannah)

Mom, there are not enough words to describe what you meant to me. You were a loving, caring, kind, and wonderful mother. I loved to shop with you at our favorite stores like Kohls and Payless. I always enjoyed learning how to cook with you. I will miss the first day of school pictures and hiking with you in Colorado. You always encouraged my goals, no matter how crazy or far fetched they were. Dad and you were usually in the stands supporting me whenever I played my sports, you guys sat in the pews when I sang in our church choir, and always came to my piano recitals. Mom, I will miss you being there every day after school waiting to pick me up.

I will miss the little things like these, but I will also miss the big things like having a mom and your beautiful smile and warm hug. I already miss saying good night to you every night. I missed having you straighten my hair today. It wasn't the same having Stephie do it. You were always there for me whenever I needed someone to talk to or cry with. I looked forward to our Bible study and you teaching me how to become and stay a pure person. I wish we could have finished it because you always gave me good advice.

Many people have said that I look just like you; I only hope that I can act like you too. I want to be as selfless as you and put God first just like you. I want to support my future kids just like you supported me. I loved the way you were able to always care for your family, friends, and God above yourself no matter how good or bad you were feeling. I know that you loved me deeply and I love you. You are my hero as you strongly and bravely fought cancer for two years, not for yourself, but so that you could be here with us. By fighting and not quitting, you taught me that no matter what I go through I should never quit praying or believing in God. I thank God for giving me such a wonderful mother even though the time was so short. I know you wanted to see me grow up and still be here for me. You will always be remembered Mom, because your life will be lived through me.

I love you.
Hannah

I Miss You, Mom (from Matt)

Mom, it is indescribable how much I miss you already. The presence of your love and kindness was so powerful and now it is gone. I miss the hugs and laughs we shared together. I can’t imagine how life will continue to be while you’re gone. Everywhere we go there will be an empty space from the big things like annually going to Colorado to the small things like seeing you pick me up after school. I used to see you laying on the couch and now I look and no one is there. I‘ll never forget seeing you in the stands cheering me on in my basketball games. I’ll miss hearing you get mad at the refs. You won’t be there for the games any more, or to see me graduate, get married, or hold my kids.

But you were there to hang out with me, such as taking me to Sonic after school or visiting the zoo for a fieldtrip. You took me to the mall and to restaurants. We hung out as a family and watched movies. You persevered and fought a rough battle with cancer. You cared, loved and provided for your family. Everyone loved you and you loved them. Also God was your priority because you knew that only the faith of your family and friends would heal you. You also lived a strong Christian life and would spread the word with your great personality. This is what made you such a great, loving, caring mom and person.

I love you Mom.
Matt.

Services and Memorial Gifts

Joyce Ann Yarnell Joslin was born in St. Joseph, Missouri on May 17, 1957, to Raymond (Pete) and Lois Miller Yarnell. She graduated from Central High School in St. Joseph and from Southwest Missouri State University in Springfield, Missouri. After graduating from college, Ann served with Campus Crusade for Christ for six years.

Ann married Howard Joslin of Minburn, Iowa on August 17, 1985. She partnered with Howard in life and ministry and built character in her four children while residing in Perry, Iowa and Garland, Texas.

Ann passed into the arms of the Lord she loved, on May 2, 2008, surrounded by her husband, children, and close family and friends. She was preceded in death by her father, Pete, in 2005 and her grandparents. She is survived by her mother, Lois, her brother, David, and her nieces, Melissa and Allison, all of whom reside in St. Joseph. Ann is also survived by her faithful and loving husband, Howard, and four wonderful children, Paul, Drew, Hannah, and Matt of Garland.

Ann lived to be a wife, mother, and friend. She left more than a legacy. Ann left her handprints on all the lives she touched.


Services:
Monday, May 5 @ 5:00 pm
Memorial Service
North Highlands Bible Church
Dallas, Texas

Wednesday, May 7 @ 10:00 am
Memorial Service
Fredrick Boulevard Baptist Church
St. Joseph, Missouri

Thursday, May 8 from 5:00 to 8:00 pmPublic Viewing
Carris Funeral Home
1721 Park Street
Perry, Iowa 50220-1191

Friday, May 9 @ 10:00 am
Funeral and Burial
Perry Bible Church
Perry, Iowa

Memorial Gifts:
In lieu of flowers, please make memorial gifts in honor of Ann Joslin to one of the following ministries:

North Highlands Bible Church
Atten: Children’s Ministry
9626 Church Road
Dallas, TX 75238

Campus Crusade for Christ
Atten: Ministry #2571930 (Mongolia)
P.O. Box 628222
Orlando, FL 32862-9841



Love,
Howard, Paul, Drew, Hannah & Matt

Ann Lives

Hello to All,

The oncologist came into our room Thursday morning to discuss the results of the tests and scans. He concluded that the cancer had consumed the liver and that it was shutting down. She was in D.I.C., which meant that her blood was no longer clotting. Ann’s counts would not rebound so that she could receive chemo, nor would chemo do any good. There was nothing else they could do to fight the cancer. We had run out of lifeboats.

I made a few phone calls from the hospital stairwell. I told Ann’s mom when she arrived at the hospital. Her brother decided to go ahead and come down from St. Joseph. I called Paul who was still at school in Arkansas and I told the other three kids when they came to the hospital that evening. Our only hope had always been God, since medical science offered no cure. However, the reality of that fact hit incredibly hard Thursday evening.

Before visiting hours were over, we had another time of prayer with the kids. I wept as shared with them that over 100 people had already responded to my email indicating that they would never quit praying. I read a couple of those emails to the kids. I then prayed – with a measure of faith – the four requests that we had prayed during this battle.

• That God would physically heal Ann so that she can teach our kids and grandkids that "there is nothing our God cannot do."
• That God would heal Ann so that we could together be labors in the harvest in Asia.
• That God would heal Ann in such a manner so that no one would give credit to the doctors or chemo, but that everyone would know that it was God who had healed her.
• That God would demonstrate the reality of the resurrection by delivering Ann from death’s grip.
  

We sent the kids off with plans to have them out of school a bit early so they could hang out at the hospital with Ann Friday evening. I then read each of the emails that had been sent. By the time I shut off my laptop at 1:00 am, there were close to 150. I sobbed with each email that I read. Person after person said they would keep praying. Several shared stories of their own miracles of deliverance. You will never know how encouraged I was by your responses.

The emails provided overwhelming confirmation to a conclusion that I had drawn a few weeks prior. If God’s will was to physically heal Ann, enough faith had been demonstrated by us, as well as our “four friends,” that God would be free to execute his will. No lack of participation would be a hindrance.

At 4:00 am a team of doctors and technicians converged on our room because Ann’s blood pressure had dropped. They concluded that Ann should be moved to the ICU. I called Paul at 5:00 am and said that he needed to leave Arkansas immediately. He was in the basement taking shelter from a tornado. My prayer became, “Oh God. Don’t you let Ann die before Paul gets here.” I’m not sure of the impact that would have had on either Paul or me. Ann’s brother had her mom and the kids in the hospital by 6:15. Though I had no information yet from the doctors, I told the kids that I didn’t know if Ann would make it through the day.

The ICU opened up at 8:30 and I took the kids in to see Ann. She recognized them and they were able to tell them that they loved her. Friends started arriving. Paul and Steffi made it by 10:30. Ann smiled and was able to make a few comments to them.

In July 2006, after the initial diagnosis, I read Psalms to Ann in the hospital room because I had nothing else to say. I did the same in her ICU room.

Sometime around noon the nurse indicated that everyone needed to be in the room. Ann was surrounded by her husband and kids, her mom, brother and his wife, and several close friends. We were weeping, telling her we loved her, and encouraging her to go to be with Jesus. It was a fitting end to her life. I was reading from John 11:25-26 when she quietly died at 12:22 pm.

John 11:25-26:
Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?"

The speed at which Ann’s death came this week has been shocking. I know that you will pray for the kids and me. Mother’s Day, Ann’s birthday, and Drew’s graduation are all in the next few weeks. For us it’s just half-time.

We will likely have the following services. Details are still being arranged.

Monday, May 5th, 5:00 pm
Memorial Service
North Highlands Bible Church
Dallas, Texas

Wednesday, May 7th, 10:00 am
Memorial Service
Fredrick Boulevard Baptist Church
St. Joseph, Missouri

Friday, May 9th, 10:00 am
Funeral and Burial
Perry Bible Church
Perry, Iowa


Love,
Howard & Ann
Paul, Drew, Hannah & Matt

Two Ineffective Lifeboats, an Explosion and Three Requests

Hello to All,

I started an update several weeks ago, but didn’t have emotional or spiritual energy to write. Much has happened in the past month and this is my attempt to bring you up to date.

March 29th
We met with the oncologist in Houston after the 8 rounds of Taxol. As is often the case in this battle, the news was mixed. On the positive side the Taxol was effective in keeping the cancer in check. Most of the tumors in Ann’s liver were the same size, some had shrunk in size, but one tumor looked like it had grown.

On the negative side, the Taxol was causing difficult side effects like neuropathy. Ann began to lose feeling in her fingers and legs. After about the 7th round she began having trouble buttoning her blouse. Since this side effect would only worsen significantly with additional rounds of Taxol, our oncologist recommended ending the treatments. Another lifeboat had lost its effectiveness.

Plan D was to participate in a clinical trial with the drug Avistan. Our oncologist had reason to expect effectiveness as she had other angiosarcoma patients that had responded well to the drug. Later, our oncologist in Dallas confirmed that he felt Avistan would be a good option for Ann. The positives with this regimen were that there were very few side effects, usually just a bit of fatigue. It was even likely that Ann’s hair would begin to grow back. Also, the treatments were every three weeks, rather than just once per week. The only negative was that the treatments would need to be administered in Houston.

April 8th
We drove to Houston Monday evening for the tests and the first round of Avistan on Tuesday. We arrived at the hospital at 8:00 am, left a little after 8:00 pm, and made it back home by a bit past midnight. All went well for the first week or so. Ann felt fine and had a bit more pep. We enjoyed a brief visit from some friends back in Iowa. I stripped the wallpaper off of our kitchen so we could prep the house for Drew’s graduation. It was a welcomed bit of normalcy.

Then the bottom dropped out. Ann’s fatigue dramatically increased. She began to experience shortness of breath and had to rest several times walking from the car to the doctor’s office. She lost her appetite and began vomiting after eating. The “tightness” in her midsection began to swell significantly. At the end of the three weeks she had difficulty walking across our small house.

April 29th
We returned to Houston to gain some answers for these new symptoms, expecting to begin Round 2. The oncologist, after examining and interviewing Ann, suspected that the symptoms were not a result of the Avistan because they occurred more than ten days after the treatment. Also, the chest x-ray showed fluid on Ann’s lungs. Ann’s distentia in her midsection had grown significantly over the last few days. The most likely possibility was that Avistan was ineffective against Ann’s cancer and that the tumors had begun to grow rapidly.

In addition, Ann was unable to receive the second Avistan treatment, because her platelet counts were only at 17,000. They needed to be above 50,000. The current plan is to wait until her counts rebound to 50,000. We will then return to Houston for scans to confirm the situation with the cancer and determine a next step. Most likely, we will have to end the clinical trial and start some other standard chemo. To do this, Ann’s platelet counts will need to be above 100,000. This may mean three or four more weeks without a lifeboat of any kind.

Our oncologist encouraged us to discuss and document Ann’s wishes concerning resuscitation. She didn’t project a timetable, but told us it was time to again discuss the seriousness of Ann’s cancer with our kids. I had that difficult conversation with Paul, Drew, Hannah and Matt Tuesday evening after returning from Houston.

April 30th
We met with our Dallas oncologist this morning in order to schedule a blood transfusion. After reviewing Ann’s lab work, he recommended admitting Ann for a few days to fight her bladder infection and anything else that might be going on. Ann will probably be here at Baylor Hospital until Friday or Saturday.

An Explosion
On Tuesday’s ride home, after driving north for an hour or so to gain a measure of composure, I called a few friends and family members to tell them the news. It was déjà vie all over again, feeling just like July 2006 when I made phone calls from the hospital stairwell after Ann’s surgery. The grief and pain, the unbelief and shock – mine and of those I called.

The news took us both totally by surprise. We knew Ann wasn’t feeling well. I had begun to notice that she had really lost ground over the last few days. However, we suspected something like a kidney infection – not an explosion of cancer. Just a month ago the scans showed that Ann’s cancer was stable. However, such is the nature of angiosarcoma. Just a slight change in treatment and it’s likely to rage out of control. The challenge will be finding another chemo that is able douse the flames for a time. The concern is Ann’s platelet counts, will they rebound quickly enough to receive additional chemo?

How Can You Help?
I have previously written about my two solemn vows. Regardless of what happens, I will never quit the Christian faith and I will never quit praying for Ann’s physical healing. There have been difficult stretches during these last two years, times when trusting God for Ann’s healing was extremely difficult. However, the real test has only begun. Do I really believe that God answers prayer? Do I really believe that nothing is impossible with God? Do I really believe that God still heals today in answer to prayer? Do I really believe that there is always hope?

Numerous people have asked, “Can we do anything to help?” We have three requests.

• Don’t give up on Ann. One friend promised that she would pray for Ann’s healing until either she or Ann took her last breath. A high school classmate offered to fast with another classmate and ask for Ann’s deliverance. Several others friends have promised to continue praying for Ann’s physical healing. Jesus healed the paralytic because he saw the faith of his four friends (Mark 2:5). I can’t tell you how much that helps us to know that others will continue to pray even though hope is fleeting. The battle is not ours alone.
• Don’t give up in your own impossible situations. Perhaps your marriage is shattered or your kids are wandering. Perhaps your finances are in shambles or your work is miserable. Perhaps you have your own hopeless health issues. Don’t quit asking your Father for deliverance. As long as there is breath there is hope.
• Don’t give up on prayer. If God chooses – in his sovereignty and goodness –not to heal Ann, do not allow yourself believe the lie that prayer is pointless. Truth is found in his word, not in our experience.

Prayer Requests:

• That Ann would be able to eat adequately so that she does not loose further strength.
• That Ann's platelet counts would quickly rebound so that she can receive additional chemo soon. They dropped to 10,000 today.
• That God will give grace and strength to Paul, Drew, Hannah and Matt and that we can all honor God during this time.
• That God would physically heal Ann so that she can teach our kids and grandkids that "there is nothing our God cannot do."
• That God would demonstrate the reality of the resurrection by delivering Ann from death’s grip.
  

Mark 2:3-5:
Some men came, bringing to him a paralytic, carried by four of them. Since they could not get him to Jesus because of the crowd, they made an opening in the roof above Jesus and, after digging through it, lowered the mat the paralyzed man was lying on. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, "Son, your sins are forgiven."

Luke 18:1:
Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up.

One Last Thing:
If you are committed to asking our Father for Ann’s physical healing, would you please let us know by replying to this email. I can’t express how much it would mean to Ann, the kids, and I to know that many of you have not given up, that you are still asking and trusting God to heal Ann.


Love,
Howard & Ann

The Reality of the Resurrection (3/25/2008)

Hello to All,

Remarkably, Ann went 8 for 8 with this new chemo regime. Ann's body sufficiently rebounded after each treatment so that she could receive Taxol eight Thursdays in a row. Not bad for someone who has been on chemo for 19 months. Our oncologist in Houston half expected that the schedule would slip to ten days, or even to two weeks, because Ann's body would wear down. We are once again grateful that God has graciously sustained Ann, rebuilding her body so that she can remain in her toxic lifeboat. Our only hope of halting the growth of the tumors – from a medical standpoint – is Ann's ability to regularly take chemotherapy.

Matt had strep throat over Spring Break. This is potentially dangerous because Ann’s immune system is beat down by the chemo. Even a fever of 100.5 is considered a medical emergency. However, once again God has graciously protected Ann from getting sick. In fact her only illness in the last 19 months has been one cold.

Ann is wearing down physically. She hung out with Hannah Saturday afternoon, shopping and running errands. She crashed for a couple hours after coming home. On Sunday we celebrated the resurrection by going to church and eating Easter dinner at a friend's house. She crashed for several hours after coming home. The pain is more constant and has grown in intensity. It woke Ann up a couple of times last night. Morphine tablets provide daily relief.

We are both worn out emotionally and spiritually. We are tired of the battle, but thankful that we are still in the fight.

We were refreshed by an opportunity to share our testimony at a neighbor's Bible study last Thursday evening. The group's agreement with our requests (Matt 18:19) and their heartfelt prayers were tremendously encouraging. We enjoy sharing lessons we've learned in this storm, because we don't want this trial to be in vain.

We travel to Houston tomorrow evening for scans on Thursday. We then meet with the oncologist at 8:30 Friday morning. We’ll find out if the Taxol has been effective at slowing or even halting the growth of the tumors. We’ll find out if the pain is being caused by the chemo or the cancer. I'm probably more apprehensive about this appointment than any previous one. If the Taxol isn’t working, what’s Plan D? Our only hope of halting the growth of the tumors – from a medical standpoint – is the doctor’s ability to repeatedly find an effective chemo.


Caught on Tape
The book that has impacted me the most in the last two years is Out of the Silence by Duane Miller. It is the amazing and brutally honest story of a pastor from near Houston who lost his voice due to a virus that settled in his vocal cords in 1990. He was forced to leave the pastorate because a raspy whisper was all he could generate when he shouted with all his strength. Specialists from around the world concluded that he would completely loose his all ability to speak in about two years.

After a period of time, he returned to his home church in Houston and began to teach a Sunday School class with the help of a super-sensitive microphone. One Sunday morning in 1993, while teaching on Psalm 103, God instantly and completely restored his voice. Specialists who examined him afterwards concluded that his vocal cords were like new. He could literally sing higher notes after the healing than before he lost his voice.

A cool thing about this incident is that it was caught on tape. All classes were recorded each week and this week was no exception. You can literally hear his voice going from raspy whisper to normal in a matter of seconds. You can hear the class begin to weep as they realize what had happened. You can hear Duane become at a loss for words after finally being able to speak. A recording comes with the book (http://www.nuvoice.org/). I talked with Duane on the phone several months ago. He is a real person and he still has his voice.

The coolest thing about this event is what happened afterward. Duane began sharing his story around the country, using his physical healing as a “living parable of God’s desire to forgive, to remove of scar tissue of sin and self and remake us into entirely new beings.” Just as Duane’s damaged vocal cords were made completely new, so also we are made new when we trust Christ – no matter how ruined or broken we are. He writes, “What better picture of a spiritual restoration can there be than to enact a physical healing?”

The recording of his healing, not only made it to the James Dobson radio program, but it also found its way to Asia. A Vietnamese pastor, who used the tape as an evangelistic tool, reported to Duane, “They can’t understand what you’re saying, of course, but when your voice changes, they always cry, always cry. Then they ask, ‘Why? How? What happened to this man? And the worker shares Jesus with them… You have no idea how many people in Vietnam have come to Christ because of you.”


The Reality of the Resurrection
I began to pray about what illustration I might use if God graciously chose to heal Ann. A parable of forgiveness is awesome, but it’s not our story. Our story is hopelessness and death. Splenic angiosarcoma is rare, aggressive and incurable. The median survival rate is listed as six months. The five year survival rate is less than twenty percent. One journal article concludes, “Primary splenic angiosarcoma is an extremely aggressive neoplasm that is almost universally fatal.”

I probably shouldn’t have googled angiosarcoma this evening, but I wanted to validate some facts. I’m hesitant to even put the last paragraph in writing because it is so overwhelming. Those facts taunt me. The reminder of our reality, that medical science offers us only hopelessness and death, is suffocating.

Ironically, it is precisely because we have no hope that we have hope (Rom 4:18). Since we are unable to trust in doctors or chemo, we have been forced to trust in God alone. Our only hope is in God, the “God of the 10%,” the God who raises the dead. We do have hope, because the tomb was empty. Jesus Christ is the resurrection and the life (John 11:25).

Our desire and prayer is that God would deliver Ann from this hopelessness and death in order to demonstrate the reality of the resurrection of Jesus Christ. If Ann is physically healed, our message will be, "We know that God raises the dead, because he delivered Ann from the grip of death." God did what science could not. Nothing is impossible for God. Truly, our story is one of hope and life in the face of cancer and despair.

I believe that the need for this message was confirmed a few days later when I received an email from a friend who works for the Josh McDowell Ministries. He stated that 51% of the "born-again" teenagers in North American were uncertain that Jesus Christ had risen from the dead. Perhaps God will physically heal Ann so that we can proclaim the reality of the resurrection to a generation that needs to know.


The Reality of the Resurrection

• John 11:25-26. Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in Me will live even if he dies, and everyone who lives and believes in Me will never die. Do you believe this?"
• Matt 28:5-7. The angel said to the women, "Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples: 'He has risen from the dead…"
• 1 Cor 15:13-14, 17. If there is no resurrection of the dead, then not even Christ has been raised. And if Christ has not been raised, our preaching is useless and so is your faith… And if Christ has not been raised, your faith is futile; you are still in your sins.

Prayer Requests:

• That we can trust in God’s character before and after Friday’s appointment, and that the scans would show that the cancer is once again stable.
• That God would continue to sustain us physically, emotionally and spiritually.
• That God would physically heal Ann so that she can teach our kids and grandkids that "there is nothing our God cannot do."
• That God would demonstrate the reality of the resurrection by delivering Ann from the grip of death.
  

Thanks for praying and caring for us.

Love,
Howard & Ann

An Invitation for Healing? (03/08/2008)

Hello to All,

Circumstances have been relatively encouraging over the last five weeks. The insurance company agreed to pay for the Taxol after some gymnastics by our oncologist. Ann is “6 for 6” with her weekly treatments, even though her blood counts were borderline prior to the third treatment. Ann’s body continues to rebound remarkably well from each toxic infusion. Obviously, from a medical standpoint, Ann’s ability to receive the chemo is a key factor in keeping the tumors from growing.

Ann and I enjoyed a brief getaway in Granbury, Texas to celebrate Valentine’s Day. It was refreshing to get out of the city and relax at a cozy bed and breakfast. We talked, prayed, and just hung out. A highlight was watching a couple of on-line sessions from Beth Moore’s Explosion of Faith study. We felt encouraged to stay the course, to continue to trust God for deliverance from our hopeless situation. We would rather “err on the side of faith” and keep on trusting that nothing is impossible for God.

The last six weeks have not been without discouragement. My low point was one Sunday afternoon when Ann vomited a number of times. Was this what we should now expect each week? Fortunately, my fear was likely unfounded. Looking back, we think Ann was sick because she took a pain pill on an empty stomach. Ann’s hair, which had begun to re-grow nicely, is nearly gone again. Ann has more pain – not sharp but constant. Is it the chemo? Is it the cancer? We will know in part when we return to Houston at the end of the month.


An Invitation?
When I first learned that Ann had incurable cancer, I assumed that God would ask us to trust and honor him through Ann’s death. The following experiences, which occurred in about the first month after her surgery, caused me to reconsider that assumption. I write this to remind myself and to perhaps encourage you.

Three Useless Gestures:

• DeeDee. After Ann's surgery (7/26/2006), the pathologist was 90% certain that Ann had Stage IV Melanoma. DeeDee, our oncology nurse, prayed to the "God of the 10%" that this preliminary diagnosis would be incorrect. I appreciated her gesture, but knew her prayer wouldn't be answered.
• Dave. Over a coke at Chili’s, Dave reluctantly confirmed the statistics that I already knew – Ann probably had about eight months to live. He then challenged me to maintain hope with the gesture, "You know, Howard, God could heal her." I tersely replied, "He could. But he won't."
• Sergio. We called for the elders of our church, according to James 5:14-16, to pray for Ann at our home Bible study group. Sergio, one of the elders, challenged the group to believe God for healing, not just pray for it. He said something like, "Maybe God wants to show his glory in this impossible situation." I thanked Sergio for his gesture, but knew in my heart that it was pointless.

Three Acts of Deliverance:

• Ten Percent. When we met with the oncologist in Dallas six days after Ann's surgery, he shocked us with the question, "What are your symptoms?" Basically, the pathologist had been unable to determine the type of cancer that had engulfed Ann's spleen. He only knew that it definitely was not Melanoma. It would be impossible to overstate the impact of this act of deliverance. The cloud of despondency and hopelessness was lifted as I realized that God had indeed answered DeeDee's impossible prayer.
• Nineteen Days. We immediately contacted M.D. Anderson in Houston to get a second opinion. However, the earliest we could get an appointment was over thirty days out. This was after waiting for nine days after surgery to receive a diagnosis; this was after waiting for three months after the initial doctor's appointment to have surgery. I felt that God had abandoned us and I had nowhere to turn. In the meantime a nurse in Houston, who was a friend of a friend, made a number of phone calls and somewhat mysteriously obtained the phone number for the office of hospital's president. Quite out of character I called the number and asked if anything could be done. Our appointment was moved up nineteen days. It would also be impossible to overestimate the significance of this act. I learned that God had not abandoned us, but was working behind the scenes on our behalf, working when I was unable to do anything, working when I had given up. Sue and her husband Bill became our hosts and our refuge in Houston.
• A Slain Giant. Some friends told us a pastor of a nearby church who had been healed of cancer. We called them and went to their house to hear their story firsthand (www.fbcwr.org). Joe had fought Stage IV Melanoma for over a year. The cancer had engulfed his body and had spread to several of his organs. At one point the doctors literally gave him days to live. He prepared his funeral, but his wife Terri kept praying, trusting God to deliver and clinging to his word. God used a new, shape-beamed radiation treatment to kill his cancer, a treatment that has not worked with other Melanoma patients. Joe has now been cancer-free since August 2004. Again, it would be impossible to overemphasize the magnitude of this act on my journey. God had delivered someone from my most-feared giant and that person lived nearby. We attended a healing service where Joe and the elders prayed for Ann’s physical healing. We have been able to talk and pray with Joe and Terri several times over the last eighteen months. They understand, probably like no other, what we are going through and what we are trying to do. Terri’s tenacious persistence in prayer and faith is my model.
  
  Three Prayers:
• Ann. After the initial shock of the diagnosis subsided, Ann was been burdened with a consistent, intense desire to live. Are these selfish requests? Ann wants to raise our kids, teach our grandkids that all things are possible with God, and to partner with me in a teaching ministry, hopefully in Asia. The impact of repeatedly seeing Ann weeping on the floor of our bedroom, pleading with God for her life was staggering. Was it possible that this “desire of her heart” was placed there by her Father so that he could demonstrate his power? It was for Hannah, Samuel’s mom. Through Ann I’ve seen firsthand the type of prayer that Hannah prayed (1 Samuel, chapter 1).
• Spontaneous prayer. As news of Ann’s diagnosis spread, we received word from family, friends and those we didn't even know that they were passionately praying for us. I took notice when we received an email from a friend who said her sister in Idaho who was praying for us. Later, a friend wrote that he was praying more for Ann than he was his own kids. A cousin told us that he was praying harder for Ann than he ever had anyone else. Perhaps God was up to something. Perhaps the Holy Spirit was motivating believers to pray so that he could heal Ann. At last count people from 30 states and 13 countries were praying for Ann.
• Charles. After Ann’s surgery, our pastor from back in Iowa drove most of the night to accompany us to Ann’s first appointment with the oncologist. He was there when we learned that the diagnosis was not Melanoma. From the beginning Charles felt that God not only could heal Ann, but that he would. He would never claim to be a prophet. He just thinks that God wants to deliver Ann in our specific situation. He and the elders publically prayed for her physically healing last summer when we were home. The church has held numerous times of prayer for Ann over the last twenty months. All of this is especially meaningful because Charles studied at the same conservative seminary that I did, and he has preached enough funerals in his thirty-plus years of ministry to be a realist. He’s not blowing smoke just to make me feel better.

Three Questions:

I believe that God used the nine experiences just described to challenge me to ask these three questions:

• Was it possible that God was inviting us to trust him for deliverance from death rather than to honor him through Ann’s death? In other words, how did I know that it was God’s will for Ann to die from cancer at this time?
• Was it even permissible for me to ask God to heal Ann? In other words, does God still physically heal today? Specifically, does he heal in response to prayer?
• If God was extending an invitation for healing, what was my responsibility? In other words, what would it look like, if I were to trust God to completely heal Ann?

My priority over the last twenty months has been to find answers to these questions. I’ve learned a lot and have much to learn. If God delivers Ann and grants me the privilege of pursuing a PhD, then I plan to write my dissertation on biblical healing.

Prayer Requests:

• That Ann’s body will continue to rebound so she can receive the next two chemo treatments, making her “8 for 8.”
• That the scans on the 28th will indicate that the Taxol has stopped the growth of the tumors. We meet with the oncologist in Houston at 8:30 am on Friday, March 29th.
• That God would physically heal Ann so that she can teach our kids and grandkids that "there is nothing our God cannot do."
• That God would demonstrate the reality of the resurrection by delivering Ann from the grip of death.

Psalm 103:2-6:
Praise the LORD, O my soul!
Do not forget all his kind deeds!
He is the one
who forgives all your sins,
who heals all your diseases,
who delivers your life from the Pit,
who crowns you with his loyal love and compassion,
who satisfies your life with good things,
so your youth is renewed like an eagle's.

Thanks for praying and caring for us.

Love,
Howard & Ann

No Longer Seaworthy (2/3/2008)

Hello to All,

Ann lamented to me last Saturday evening, after our return from Houston the previous afternoon (1/25/08), "It's like we're starting over from the beginning." The questions and the doubts. The hopelessness and the fear. The disappointment and the uncertainty. The anger at God.

In early October a group of oncologists concluded that Ann's tumors looked dead, so our oncologist recommended that we drop the Taxotere to see if Gemcitamine alone would be enough to keep the tumors from growing. The goal was improve Ann's "quality of life" by reducing the side effects of the chemotherapy. At the end of November the scans showed that the tumors were nearly stable, but had grown slightly. The dosage of Gemcitamine was increased accordingly to attempt to halt further growth.

Last Friday our oncologist in Houston authoritatively stated, "It's time to change your chemo." The scans indicated that the tumors in Ann's liver had grown substantially since her last check up. The Gemcitamine alone was obviously ineffective at retarding the growth of the tumors. Sarcoma tumors typically develop a resistance to specific chemotherapy treatments over time. I assume that this is similar to how a strain of bacteria might develop a resistance to antibiotics.

Ann's lifeboat is no longer seaworthy and needs to be replaced. Will we find another lifeboat? If so, how long will it remain seaworthy? How many additional lifeboats are available? Ann has already used up four.

On Thursday Ann started her first treatment of Taxol, a cousin to Taxotere, which was effective at halting the growth of the tumors from May through October. She will receive an infusion every week; there will be no week off like the previous regimen. We will return to Houston at the end of March to see if the Taxol has slowed or stopped the growth.

To add to the discouragement the oncologist here in Dallas informed us that there was a problem with our insurance. It does not cover Taxol treatments for sarcomas. By God's grace the hospital had excess supply and agreed to treat Ann for four weeks. In the meantime we will need to work with the insurance company to authorize treatment. The possible repercussions of this setback are overwhelming.


Three Options:
I see three options for responding to our present discouraging circumstances.

1. Curse God and chuck the faith. Should I follow the example of Job's wife and advise Ann to quit the faith (Job 2:9)? Perhaps God doesn't really exist. Perhaps he's not all-powerful. Perhaps the Bible isn't true.

Or should I follow the example of Peter, who understood there was no other viable option? When asked if he also was going to forsake Jesus, Peter responded, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have words of eternal life" (John 6:68). Why would we abandon our only hope for this life and our guarantee for eternity? I've publicly vowed to never quit the faith and I intend to keep that vow.

2. Accept reality and quit praying for physical healing. The cancer has started to grow again. Does this indicate that God is not planning to heal Ann? It's been over 18 months since the original diagnosis. If God was going to heal Ann, wouldn't he have done so by now? Is God really big enough to deliver Ann from cancer's death-grip? Does he even heal today?

Should I follow the advice of a commentator on James 5:14-16? He wrote, "We do not even pray for the recovery of the sick, when the symptoms make it clear that God's will is otherwise; our prayer then is for a peaceful and painless departure."

I agree with the author that there is a time to pray for a "peaceful and painless departure." I have prayed that prayer for a few people in this last year. However, I strongly object if the determining factor is "symptoms," even if they are hopeless. Is anything too difficult for the Lord (Genesis 18:14)?

• Ten spies, who returned from reconnaissance in Canaan, concluded that taking the land was impossible (Numbers 13:21-33). Joshua and Caleb, confident that God would fight for them, took the land forty years later.
• The army of Saul cowered in fear when taunted by the Philistine warrior. David picked up a few stones, taunted the giant and killed him with his sling, because he knew the battle was the Lord's (1 Samuel 17).

Shouldn't I follow the example of Joshua, Caleb, and David? I don't find any encouragement in the Bible to give up, just because the circumstances are impossible. I've publicly vowed that I would never quit praying for Ann's physical healing; I intend to keep that vow.

3. Accept reality and keep praying for physical healing. Shouldn't I follow Abraham's example? He faced the reality of his situation, that it was physically impossible for Sarah and him to have a child. He had no human basis for hope, yet he still had hope in God. He believed that God could do what he had promised, that he could give life to their dead bodies and raise up descendents too numerous to count (Romans 4:17-25). We all are living proof that God kept his promise.

Shouldn't I follow the example of the persistent widow? She kept pressing the unrighteous judge for justice for she had no other advocate (Luke 18:1-8). Shouldn't I persist in bringing my case to the righteous judge, my Father?

If God has invited me to trust him for physical healing then this is the only response I can have.

Romans 4:19-21:
Without becoming weak in faith he contemplated his own body, now as good as dead since he was about a hundred years old, and the deadness of Sarah's womb; yet, with respect to the promise of God, he did not waver in unbelief but grew strong in faith, giving glory to God, and being fully assured that what God had promised, He was able also to perform.

Luke 18:1, 7-8:
Now He was telling them a parable to show that at all times they ought to pray and not to lose heart… Will not God bring about justice for His elect who cry to Him day and night, and will He delay long over them? I tell you that He will bring about justice for them quickly.

Prayer Requests:

• That the insurance company will agree to pay for Taxol treatments.
• That the Taxol will prove to be a seaworthy lifeboat by stopping the growth of the tumors.
• That we can persist in trusting in God's character while we wait for his deliverance.
• That God would physically heal Ann so that she can teach our kids and grandkids that "there is nothing our God cannot do."
• That God would demonstrate the reality of the resurrection from the dead by delivering Ann from the grip of death.
  

Thanks for praying and caring.

Love,
Howard & Ann


PS. I've added our previous emails to a "blog" website. Please pass this on to others who might be encouraged by our journey. The address is http://www.AnnYJoslin.blogspot.com/.

Two Resolutions (1/1/2008)

Happy New Year to All,

I apologize for not sending out an update shortly after our last trip to Houston at the end of November. The news was a bit discouraging and I needed some time to process. Three trips to Abilene for work and a trip to Arkansas to see Paul cut into my available time and energy. Quite frankly, I just didn't feel like I had anything to say.

I knew something was up when Dr. Steinert began the appointment by quizzing Ann about how she felt over the last two rounds. Apparently, she was attempting to assess the improvement in Ann's "quality of life" in light of eliminating the Taxotere from the regimen. She then informed us that some of the tumors had grown slightly, perhaps a millimeter or two. Her recommendation was to stay the course with only the Gemcitamine, but increase the dosage from 675 units to 800 units. Hopefully, that will bring a return to stability.

Questions often surface after the conclusion of an appointment, especially as we make phone calls on the return trip to Dallas. "Was the previous assessment – that the tumors were dead – incorrect? Have the tumors been growing slightly all along or did the elimination of the Taxotere rejuvenate the tumors, enabling them to grow again?" I will ask those questions in a couple of weeks when return to Houston for tests.

The family time over Christmas and New Year's seemed very normal. We groaned as the Cowboys lost another December game and we rented several movies with some friends. Ann shopped for Christmas presents and Matt woke us up on Christmas morning. Ann cooked Christmas dinner, and the kids and I prematurely snarfed the Christmas cookies. We enjoyed dinner at P.F. Chang's and we window shopped at an upscale north Dallas mall. We rang in the New Year with games and friends, and we indulged ourselves with chocolate fondue. We read the Christmas story and we thanked God for granting us life this last year.

Questions often emerge during "normal" times, especially on holidays. "How long will it be normal? Will Ann be here next year for Christmas? Are we naïvely praying for physical healing?" I confess that I found it difficult to fend off those thoughts the last few weeks. Ann starts Round 18 tomorrow morning.

Two Resolutions:
Like many, I've often made New Year's resolutions. I hope to eat less and work out more. I'd like to play more basketball with Matt and I wish I could spend more time studying Hebrew. The list could go on, but it's probably not necessary. Like many, my resolutions are often broken.

This year, however, I do have two resolutions that I will never break. I originally made these about sixteen months ago. Last summer I publicly promised our church family that I would keep them. I am still resolved today.

First, I will continue pray for Ann's physical healing no matter what happens – even if the cancer rages out of control, even if the doctors say hope is gone, even if additional friends die of cancer. I will keep on trusting God to physically deliver Ann from cancer in this life – unless she takes her last breath. I will keep praying. I will never give up.

Second, I will continue to worship and serve God no matter what happens – whether Ann is physically healed and lives to know our grandkids, or whether God allows the cancer to take her life prematurely. I will keep the Christian faith. I will never quit the race marked out for us.

Luke 18:1:
Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up.

Hebrews 12:1-2:
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2 Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Prayer Requests:

• That God would strengthen us by his Spirit so that we would persevere in faith and hope.
• That the scans on the 15th and 16th would show that the cancer has stopped growing.
• That God would physically heal Ann so that she can teach our kids and grandkids that "there is nothing our God cannot do."
• That God would demonstrate the reality of the resurrection from the dead by delivering Ann from the grip of death.
  

May you know God's presence and power as you trust him in 2008.

Love,
Howard & Ann

Still Giving Thanks (11/28/2007)

Hello to All,

This last month has been mostly uneventful as Ann completed Rounds 7 and 8 of this regimen. The only issue was that Ann ran a fever for a few days during Round 8. Remarkably, her white blood counts were normal so she didn't need to be hospitalized. The oncologist just gave her some high-powered antibiotics. Amazingly, this is the first fever that Ann has had in the sixteen months since her spleen was removed. Add to that the sixteen rounds of chemotherapy, especially the first eight in which her immune system was severely beaten down, and it is near miraculous. God has graciously protected Ann from illnesses that could have taken her out. God has graciously answered our corporate prayers.

We return to Houston tomorrow evening for another round of tests. The key question is whether the cancer is still "stable" (not growing), even with the reduction in chemo. Ann's scans are Thursday morning and we meet with the oncologist Friday morning. We are cautiously optimistic that the news will be good and that we will be able to change the chemo cycle length from three weeks to four.

What a Difference a Year Makes
Ann and I have discussed how different things are this Thanksgiving compared to last. Last year there was overwhelming fear and uncertainty. Chaos ruled and we coped by focusing on one day at a time. We are still often overwhelmed and we have no certainties except the Word. Yet, the degree of chaos has lessoned substantially and we find ourselves looking at the future. We have already made our reservations for our annual trek to Colorado. Ann has even talked of redoing the kitchen floor and painting the boy's bedrooms. Those things weren't even on the radar last year.

We are still giving thanks for God's goodness and grace. This year's Top Ten List is similar, yet remarkably different, than last year's Thanksgiving List.

10. Family and friends. We continue to be encouraged by your emails and cards. Even though I don't often find the time to respond, please know that those notes are sometimes what enables us to keep going. We continue to be overwhelmed by meals and gifts. Friends are still bringing in meals twice a week. That's incredible. We continue to be humbled by your persistent prayers. I believe that Ann is alive today because God has heard and answered our prayers.

9. Effective Chemo. That first chemo regimen so toxic that it was literally life threatening. This time last year we didn't know how many rounds Ann would be able to withstand. By God grace she went the distance, the full eight rounds. We also didn't know if the next regimen would even work. By God's grace it has worked. The tumors now appear to be "dead" and the oncologist has even reduced the treatment plan by dropping Taxotere from these last two rounds.

8. A "boring" routine. The first six months of this storm were chaos; the last six months have become routine. We spent five days in Houston every three weeks; we now spend two days every seven or eight weeks. Ann received chemo every day for five days straight while in Houston; she now receives just two treatments a week apart here in Dallas. Chemo, blood tests, and scans have become a "normal" part of our life. The side effects are currently minimal and the cancer is stable. As the oncologist previously remarked, "Boring is good."

7. Our kids. We still have occasional melt downs, but we no longer fear that the kids will reject God because of Ann's cancer. On the contrary, we are praying that they will learn trust God in impossible situations – whether times of suffering or difficult ministry assignments – because they have witnessed God's faithfulness during our battle with cancer.

6. Examples. We have been heartened by friends and family like Joe, Terri, Roger, Jackie, Bill, Mike, Betty, Judy, Lisa, Nancy, Mary Sue, and others. Some have been healed miraculously and others naturally. Some have personally witnessed unexplainable healings, others incredible provisions. Some are trusting God for the impossible, others are honoring him through incredible suffering. All are exercising faith. All are mentors for us.

5. Hiking in Colorado. By God's grace Ann made our annual hike to Dream Lake in Rocky Mountain National Park last July. After taking family pictures, we had a brief worship time and prayed once again for physical healing. I could be delusional, but I sense that God answered our prayer that day. We're just waiting for his perfect timing.

4. Prayer. Jesus' challenge in Luke 18:1-8 to never "loose heart" when praying has never meant more to me than now. I've solemnly promised Ann than I will never quit praying for her physical healing – even if the chemo stops working or if the cancer spreads to additional organs – unless she takes her last breath.

3. Word. I started reading the Bible to Ann after we received the initial diagnosis in July 2006. I had nothing to say so I turned to the Psalms. We've continue the practice nearly every night since. I've also spent a significant time studying various passages on healing and suffering, prayer and faith. James 5:13-20 is my anchor and Psalm 103 is my hope. My main regret is that I don't have more time to study.

2. Cancer. I heard others say it and I always thought they were either naïve or delusional. Yet, I can honestly say that I am thankful for this last sixteen months. Cancer is still evil and we are still praying for deliverance. Yet I would not trade the lessons learned for a trial-free life. (I reserve the right to take this one back if Ann dies from this cancer.)

1. Life. From a statistical standpoint, Ann should be in heaven now. If my heart attack had been more severe, I could be there too. Every day is a gift.

1 Chronicles 16:34:
Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good.
His love endures forever.

Prayer Requests:

• That the test results would confirm that the cancer has remained "stable" and that we could transition to a four-week chemo cycle.
• That God would strengthen our friend Paul, and his two young daughters, as they grieve in the coming weeks and months. His wife Gini lost the physical battle with cancer, but gained eternal life in the presence of God.
• That God would physically heal Ann so that she can teach our kids and grandkids that "there is nothing our God cannot do."
• That God would demonstrate the reality of the resurrection from the dead by delivering Ann from the grip of death.
  

Thanks for praying and caring for us these last sixteen months.

Love,
Howard & Ann

A Seaworthy Lifeboat (10/15/2007)

Hello to All,

Dr. Steinert energetically walked into our room Friday morning and announced, "The cancer is still stable!" After a hug and a greeting for each of us, she explained the situation further.

For each of the last several cycles, the radiologist that reviewed Ann's scans concluded that the cancer had progressed (grown) slightly. However, each time Dr. Steinert informed us that she wasn't concerned because the growth was very minimal. She also wasn't sure that she agreed with the conclusion of the radiologist.

This time Dr. Steinert presented Ann's case to a group of oncologists at some sort of symposium in order to confirm her interpretation of the scans. They unanimously agreed that there was no progression of the cancer after all. The slight "growth" in the tumors was actually because the tumors had died. A dead tumor darkens in color and therefore is more visible on the scans. Apparently, there is also some sort of scar tissue that develops around the tumor that also causes it to appear slightly larger.

Dr. Steinert also confirmed that Ann's liver "couldn't be functioning more normally."

What Does this Mean?
First and most importantly, it means that this second chemo regimen has proven to be a seaworthy lifeboat. It is effectively keeping the cancer from engulfing Ann's liver. The significance is that there is not an "imminent disaster" looming before us.

Second, it means that it is safe to tweak the regimen. Ann has been receiving one type of chemo on Day 1 and two types on Day 8. Dr. Steinert recommended eliminating the second chemo on Day 8 for two next cycles to see what happens. If the cancer remains stable, then she will continue with this new lighter regimen. She also may transition to a 28-day cycle rather than the current 21-day. Her goal is to give Ann as little chemo as possible, yet continue to keep the cancer from growing. The significance is that a reduction in chemo should lead to a reduction in side effects and a more "normal" life.

Third, it means this lifeboat should float for an extended period of time. Our doctor previously mentioned a patient who had completed 57 rounds. Ann starts Round 7 of this regimen tomorrow morning. The significance of this cannot be overstated. According to at least one website, Ann has already more than doubled her life expectancy after these fourteen months. God has graciously answered our prayers and extended Ann's life. I firmly believe that Ann would be in heaven now if not for our family and friends who have fervently pleaded with our Father for Ann's life.

What Does this Not Mean?
Ann is not out of the sea. Her new lifeboat is not designed to take her to shore. Medically speaking, nothing can. The significance is twofold. First, we are not trusting in our excellent doctor, the chemo regimen, or in Ann's fortitude. God is our only hope. Second, the need for prayer remains unchanged.

Prayer Requests:

• Thank God for providing a seaworthy lifeboat and for graciously granting Ann life these last fourteen months.
• That our family's relationships would be characterized by patience and forgiveness, rather than arguing and anger.
• That God would physically heal Ann so that she can teach our kids and grandkids that "there is nothing our God cannot do."
• That God would demonstrate the reality of the resurrection from the dead by delivering Ann from the grip of death.

2 Corinthians 1:8b-11
We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.


Thanks for praying and caring.

Love,
Howard & Ann