No Longer Seaworthy (2/3/2008)

Hello to All,

Ann lamented to me last Saturday evening, after our return from Houston the previous afternoon (1/25/08), "It's like we're starting over from the beginning." The questions and the doubts. The hopelessness and the fear. The disappointment and the uncertainty. The anger at God.

In early October a group of oncologists concluded that Ann's tumors looked dead, so our oncologist recommended that we drop the Taxotere to see if Gemcitamine alone would be enough to keep the tumors from growing. The goal was improve Ann's "quality of life" by reducing the side effects of the chemotherapy. At the end of November the scans showed that the tumors were nearly stable, but had grown slightly. The dosage of Gemcitamine was increased accordingly to attempt to halt further growth.

Last Friday our oncologist in Houston authoritatively stated, "It's time to change your chemo." The scans indicated that the tumors in Ann's liver had grown substantially since her last check up. The Gemcitamine alone was obviously ineffective at retarding the growth of the tumors. Sarcoma tumors typically develop a resistance to specific chemotherapy treatments over time. I assume that this is similar to how a strain of bacteria might develop a resistance to antibiotics.

Ann's lifeboat is no longer seaworthy and needs to be replaced. Will we find another lifeboat? If so, how long will it remain seaworthy? How many additional lifeboats are available? Ann has already used up four.

On Thursday Ann started her first treatment of Taxol, a cousin to Taxotere, which was effective at halting the growth of the tumors from May through October. She will receive an infusion every week; there will be no week off like the previous regimen. We will return to Houston at the end of March to see if the Taxol has slowed or stopped the growth.

To add to the discouragement the oncologist here in Dallas informed us that there was a problem with our insurance. It does not cover Taxol treatments for sarcomas. By God's grace the hospital had excess supply and agreed to treat Ann for four weeks. In the meantime we will need to work with the insurance company to authorize treatment. The possible repercussions of this setback are overwhelming.


Three Options:
I see three options for responding to our present discouraging circumstances.

1. Curse God and chuck the faith. Should I follow the example of Job's wife and advise Ann to quit the faith (Job 2:9)? Perhaps God doesn't really exist. Perhaps he's not all-powerful. Perhaps the Bible isn't true.

Or should I follow the example of Peter, who understood there was no other viable option? When asked if he also was going to forsake Jesus, Peter responded, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have words of eternal life" (John 6:68). Why would we abandon our only hope for this life and our guarantee for eternity? I've publicly vowed to never quit the faith and I intend to keep that vow.

2. Accept reality and quit praying for physical healing. The cancer has started to grow again. Does this indicate that God is not planning to heal Ann? It's been over 18 months since the original diagnosis. If God was going to heal Ann, wouldn't he have done so by now? Is God really big enough to deliver Ann from cancer's death-grip? Does he even heal today?

Should I follow the advice of a commentator on James 5:14-16? He wrote, "We do not even pray for the recovery of the sick, when the symptoms make it clear that God's will is otherwise; our prayer then is for a peaceful and painless departure."

I agree with the author that there is a time to pray for a "peaceful and painless departure." I have prayed that prayer for a few people in this last year. However, I strongly object if the determining factor is "symptoms," even if they are hopeless. Is anything too difficult for the Lord (Genesis 18:14)?

• Ten spies, who returned from reconnaissance in Canaan, concluded that taking the land was impossible (Numbers 13:21-33). Joshua and Caleb, confident that God would fight for them, took the land forty years later.
• The army of Saul cowered in fear when taunted by the Philistine warrior. David picked up a few stones, taunted the giant and killed him with his sling, because he knew the battle was the Lord's (1 Samuel 17).

Shouldn't I follow the example of Joshua, Caleb, and David? I don't find any encouragement in the Bible to give up, just because the circumstances are impossible. I've publicly vowed that I would never quit praying for Ann's physical healing; I intend to keep that vow.

3. Accept reality and keep praying for physical healing. Shouldn't I follow Abraham's example? He faced the reality of his situation, that it was physically impossible for Sarah and him to have a child. He had no human basis for hope, yet he still had hope in God. He believed that God could do what he had promised, that he could give life to their dead bodies and raise up descendents too numerous to count (Romans 4:17-25). We all are living proof that God kept his promise.

Shouldn't I follow the example of the persistent widow? She kept pressing the unrighteous judge for justice for she had no other advocate (Luke 18:1-8). Shouldn't I persist in bringing my case to the righteous judge, my Father?

If God has invited me to trust him for physical healing then this is the only response I can have.

Romans 4:19-21:
Without becoming weak in faith he contemplated his own body, now as good as dead since he was about a hundred years old, and the deadness of Sarah's womb; yet, with respect to the promise of God, he did not waver in unbelief but grew strong in faith, giving glory to God, and being fully assured that what God had promised, He was able also to perform.

Luke 18:1, 7-8:
Now He was telling them a parable to show that at all times they ought to pray and not to lose heart… Will not God bring about justice for His elect who cry to Him day and night, and will He delay long over them? I tell you that He will bring about justice for them quickly.

Prayer Requests:

• That the insurance company will agree to pay for Taxol treatments.
• That the Taxol will prove to be a seaworthy lifeboat by stopping the growth of the tumors.
• That we can persist in trusting in God's character while we wait for his deliverance.
• That God would physically heal Ann so that she can teach our kids and grandkids that "there is nothing our God cannot do."
• That God would demonstrate the reality of the resurrection from the dead by delivering Ann from the grip of death.
  

Thanks for praying and caring.

Love,
Howard & Ann


PS. I've added our previous emails to a "blog" website. Please pass this on to others who might be encouraged by our journey. The address is http://www.AnnYJoslin.blogspot.com/.

Two Resolutions (1/1/2008)

Happy New Year to All,

I apologize for not sending out an update shortly after our last trip to Houston at the end of November. The news was a bit discouraging and I needed some time to process. Three trips to Abilene for work and a trip to Arkansas to see Paul cut into my available time and energy. Quite frankly, I just didn't feel like I had anything to say.

I knew something was up when Dr. Steinert began the appointment by quizzing Ann about how she felt over the last two rounds. Apparently, she was attempting to assess the improvement in Ann's "quality of life" in light of eliminating the Taxotere from the regimen. She then informed us that some of the tumors had grown slightly, perhaps a millimeter or two. Her recommendation was to stay the course with only the Gemcitamine, but increase the dosage from 675 units to 800 units. Hopefully, that will bring a return to stability.

Questions often surface after the conclusion of an appointment, especially as we make phone calls on the return trip to Dallas. "Was the previous assessment – that the tumors were dead – incorrect? Have the tumors been growing slightly all along or did the elimination of the Taxotere rejuvenate the tumors, enabling them to grow again?" I will ask those questions in a couple of weeks when return to Houston for tests.

The family time over Christmas and New Year's seemed very normal. We groaned as the Cowboys lost another December game and we rented several movies with some friends. Ann shopped for Christmas presents and Matt woke us up on Christmas morning. Ann cooked Christmas dinner, and the kids and I prematurely snarfed the Christmas cookies. We enjoyed dinner at P.F. Chang's and we window shopped at an upscale north Dallas mall. We rang in the New Year with games and friends, and we indulged ourselves with chocolate fondue. We read the Christmas story and we thanked God for granting us life this last year.

Questions often emerge during "normal" times, especially on holidays. "How long will it be normal? Will Ann be here next year for Christmas? Are we naïvely praying for physical healing?" I confess that I found it difficult to fend off those thoughts the last few weeks. Ann starts Round 18 tomorrow morning.

Two Resolutions:
Like many, I've often made New Year's resolutions. I hope to eat less and work out more. I'd like to play more basketball with Matt and I wish I could spend more time studying Hebrew. The list could go on, but it's probably not necessary. Like many, my resolutions are often broken.

This year, however, I do have two resolutions that I will never break. I originally made these about sixteen months ago. Last summer I publicly promised our church family that I would keep them. I am still resolved today.

First, I will continue pray for Ann's physical healing no matter what happens – even if the cancer rages out of control, even if the doctors say hope is gone, even if additional friends die of cancer. I will keep on trusting God to physically deliver Ann from cancer in this life – unless she takes her last breath. I will keep praying. I will never give up.

Second, I will continue to worship and serve God no matter what happens – whether Ann is physically healed and lives to know our grandkids, or whether God allows the cancer to take her life prematurely. I will keep the Christian faith. I will never quit the race marked out for us.

Luke 18:1:
Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up.

Hebrews 12:1-2:
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2 Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Prayer Requests:

• That God would strengthen us by his Spirit so that we would persevere in faith and hope.
• That the scans on the 15th and 16th would show that the cancer has stopped growing.
• That God would physically heal Ann so that she can teach our kids and grandkids that "there is nothing our God cannot do."
• That God would demonstrate the reality of the resurrection from the dead by delivering Ann from the grip of death.
  

May you know God's presence and power as you trust him in 2008.

Love,
Howard & Ann

Still Giving Thanks (11/28/2007)

Hello to All,

This last month has been mostly uneventful as Ann completed Rounds 7 and 8 of this regimen. The only issue was that Ann ran a fever for a few days during Round 8. Remarkably, her white blood counts were normal so she didn't need to be hospitalized. The oncologist just gave her some high-powered antibiotics. Amazingly, this is the first fever that Ann has had in the sixteen months since her spleen was removed. Add to that the sixteen rounds of chemotherapy, especially the first eight in which her immune system was severely beaten down, and it is near miraculous. God has graciously protected Ann from illnesses that could have taken her out. God has graciously answered our corporate prayers.

We return to Houston tomorrow evening for another round of tests. The key question is whether the cancer is still "stable" (not growing), even with the reduction in chemo. Ann's scans are Thursday morning and we meet with the oncologist Friday morning. We are cautiously optimistic that the news will be good and that we will be able to change the chemo cycle length from three weeks to four.

What a Difference a Year Makes
Ann and I have discussed how different things are this Thanksgiving compared to last. Last year there was overwhelming fear and uncertainty. Chaos ruled and we coped by focusing on one day at a time. We are still often overwhelmed and we have no certainties except the Word. Yet, the degree of chaos has lessoned substantially and we find ourselves looking at the future. We have already made our reservations for our annual trek to Colorado. Ann has even talked of redoing the kitchen floor and painting the boy's bedrooms. Those things weren't even on the radar last year.

We are still giving thanks for God's goodness and grace. This year's Top Ten List is similar, yet remarkably different, than last year's Thanksgiving List.

10. Family and friends. We continue to be encouraged by your emails and cards. Even though I don't often find the time to respond, please know that those notes are sometimes what enables us to keep going. We continue to be overwhelmed by meals and gifts. Friends are still bringing in meals twice a week. That's incredible. We continue to be humbled by your persistent prayers. I believe that Ann is alive today because God has heard and answered our prayers.

9. Effective Chemo. That first chemo regimen so toxic that it was literally life threatening. This time last year we didn't know how many rounds Ann would be able to withstand. By God grace she went the distance, the full eight rounds. We also didn't know if the next regimen would even work. By God's grace it has worked. The tumors now appear to be "dead" and the oncologist has even reduced the treatment plan by dropping Taxotere from these last two rounds.

8. A "boring" routine. The first six months of this storm were chaos; the last six months have become routine. We spent five days in Houston every three weeks; we now spend two days every seven or eight weeks. Ann received chemo every day for five days straight while in Houston; she now receives just two treatments a week apart here in Dallas. Chemo, blood tests, and scans have become a "normal" part of our life. The side effects are currently minimal and the cancer is stable. As the oncologist previously remarked, "Boring is good."

7. Our kids. We still have occasional melt downs, but we no longer fear that the kids will reject God because of Ann's cancer. On the contrary, we are praying that they will learn trust God in impossible situations – whether times of suffering or difficult ministry assignments – because they have witnessed God's faithfulness during our battle with cancer.

6. Examples. We have been heartened by friends and family like Joe, Terri, Roger, Jackie, Bill, Mike, Betty, Judy, Lisa, Nancy, Mary Sue, and others. Some have been healed miraculously and others naturally. Some have personally witnessed unexplainable healings, others incredible provisions. Some are trusting God for the impossible, others are honoring him through incredible suffering. All are exercising faith. All are mentors for us.

5. Hiking in Colorado. By God's grace Ann made our annual hike to Dream Lake in Rocky Mountain National Park last July. After taking family pictures, we had a brief worship time and prayed once again for physical healing. I could be delusional, but I sense that God answered our prayer that day. We're just waiting for his perfect timing.

4. Prayer. Jesus' challenge in Luke 18:1-8 to never "loose heart" when praying has never meant more to me than now. I've solemnly promised Ann than I will never quit praying for her physical healing – even if the chemo stops working or if the cancer spreads to additional organs – unless she takes her last breath.

3. Word. I started reading the Bible to Ann after we received the initial diagnosis in July 2006. I had nothing to say so I turned to the Psalms. We've continue the practice nearly every night since. I've also spent a significant time studying various passages on healing and suffering, prayer and faith. James 5:13-20 is my anchor and Psalm 103 is my hope. My main regret is that I don't have more time to study.

2. Cancer. I heard others say it and I always thought they were either naïve or delusional. Yet, I can honestly say that I am thankful for this last sixteen months. Cancer is still evil and we are still praying for deliverance. Yet I would not trade the lessons learned for a trial-free life. (I reserve the right to take this one back if Ann dies from this cancer.)

1. Life. From a statistical standpoint, Ann should be in heaven now. If my heart attack had been more severe, I could be there too. Every day is a gift.

1 Chronicles 16:34:
Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good.
His love endures forever.

Prayer Requests:

• That the test results would confirm that the cancer has remained "stable" and that we could transition to a four-week chemo cycle.
• That God would strengthen our friend Paul, and his two young daughters, as they grieve in the coming weeks and months. His wife Gini lost the physical battle with cancer, but gained eternal life in the presence of God.
• That God would physically heal Ann so that she can teach our kids and grandkids that "there is nothing our God cannot do."
• That God would demonstrate the reality of the resurrection from the dead by delivering Ann from the grip of death.
  

Thanks for praying and caring for us these last sixteen months.

Love,
Howard & Ann

A Seaworthy Lifeboat (10/15/2007)

Hello to All,

Dr. Steinert energetically walked into our room Friday morning and announced, "The cancer is still stable!" After a hug and a greeting for each of us, she explained the situation further.

For each of the last several cycles, the radiologist that reviewed Ann's scans concluded that the cancer had progressed (grown) slightly. However, each time Dr. Steinert informed us that she wasn't concerned because the growth was very minimal. She also wasn't sure that she agreed with the conclusion of the radiologist.

This time Dr. Steinert presented Ann's case to a group of oncologists at some sort of symposium in order to confirm her interpretation of the scans. They unanimously agreed that there was no progression of the cancer after all. The slight "growth" in the tumors was actually because the tumors had died. A dead tumor darkens in color and therefore is more visible on the scans. Apparently, there is also some sort of scar tissue that develops around the tumor that also causes it to appear slightly larger.

Dr. Steinert also confirmed that Ann's liver "couldn't be functioning more normally."

What Does this Mean?
First and most importantly, it means that this second chemo regimen has proven to be a seaworthy lifeboat. It is effectively keeping the cancer from engulfing Ann's liver. The significance is that there is not an "imminent disaster" looming before us.

Second, it means that it is safe to tweak the regimen. Ann has been receiving one type of chemo on Day 1 and two types on Day 8. Dr. Steinert recommended eliminating the second chemo on Day 8 for two next cycles to see what happens. If the cancer remains stable, then she will continue with this new lighter regimen. She also may transition to a 28-day cycle rather than the current 21-day. Her goal is to give Ann as little chemo as possible, yet continue to keep the cancer from growing. The significance is that a reduction in chemo should lead to a reduction in side effects and a more "normal" life.

Third, it means this lifeboat should float for an extended period of time. Our doctor previously mentioned a patient who had completed 57 rounds. Ann starts Round 7 of this regimen tomorrow morning. The significance of this cannot be overstated. According to at least one website, Ann has already more than doubled her life expectancy after these fourteen months. God has graciously answered our prayers and extended Ann's life. I firmly believe that Ann would be in heaven now if not for our family and friends who have fervently pleaded with our Father for Ann's life.

What Does this Not Mean?
Ann is not out of the sea. Her new lifeboat is not designed to take her to shore. Medically speaking, nothing can. The significance is twofold. First, we are not trusting in our excellent doctor, the chemo regimen, or in Ann's fortitude. God is our only hope. Second, the need for prayer remains unchanged.

Prayer Requests:

• Thank God for providing a seaworthy lifeboat and for graciously granting Ann life these last fourteen months.
• That our family's relationships would be characterized by patience and forgiveness, rather than arguing and anger.
• That God would physically heal Ann so that she can teach our kids and grandkids that "there is nothing our God cannot do."
• That God would demonstrate the reality of the resurrection from the dead by delivering Ann from the grip of death.

2 Corinthians 1:8b-11
We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.


Thanks for praying and caring.

Love,
Howard & Ann

Confessions of a Skeptic (10/9/2007)

Hello to All,

We continue our trek in the valley between suffering and healing. The journey is a paradox of normalcy and reality, sacrifice and selfishness, faith and fear, hope and despair, endurance and fatigue, expectation and resignation.

Life seemed pretty normal last Monday when we ate corn dogs and funnel cakes at the Texas State Fair and when we fled the city on Saturday to hang out at a nearby state park with several families from church. Reality hits every morning when Ann puts on her wig or as her eyebrows continue to thin.

I was struck by the depth of my own selfishness over the weekend, getting angry about little things with both the kids and Ann, rather than "keeping no record of wrongs." I could excuse myself, assuming that it arose from stress or fatigue, but the bottom line is that there is a lot of sewer in my heart that still needs redeemed (Matt. 15:17-18).

On several occasions recently – usually after some time in the Word – Ann has expressed a measure of confidence that God would physically heal her. She is accepting Beth Moore's challenge to "Believe that God can do what he says he can do." On other occasions – like this morning – Ann lies on the floor weeping, overcome by fear and hopelessness. She identifies with Beth Moore's quotation of a fellow traveler, "It was just too exhausting to maintain a spirit of expectation."

We will leave for Houston after work on Wednesday. The scans are Thursday morning and we will meet with the doctor on Friday. Will our "lull" continue or will it come to a screeching halt?

Confessions of a Skeptic:
Duane Miller's dramatic and instantaneous healing occurred while he was teaching a Sunday School class and it was providentially recorded on tape. He recounts his story in the book Out Of the Silence. On the back cover his pastor, the senior pastor from Houston's First Baptist Church, testified, "Every syllable you will read and hear in this book is true. I was there when it happened."

Why was such a testimony necessary on a book cover? Is it because the excesses of "faith healers" have caused many of us to be skeptical of all healings? Is it because our theology has constricted God to a box smaller than appropriate? I know that I had an easier time believing Duane Miller's story because of his pastor's assurances.

The following two episodes from Richard Foster's Prayer: Finding the Heart's True Home were a tremendous encouragement to me as I wrestled with the validity of healing for today.

St. Augustine:
St. Augustine "doubted the validity of Healing Prayer, stating in his early writings that Christians should not look for the continuation of the healing gift." In 424 A.D. a brother and sister were miraculously healed in Augustine's church at the beginning of a couple of worship services. He was convinced that these healings were genuine and proceeded to set up a process for recording and authenticating miracles. Nearly seventy healing miracles were attested in the two years that followed.

Richard Foster:
Foster chronicles in how own life how his "prejudices against physical healing begin to crumble." He was working in a counseling center and was convicted that his success with patients "was completely explainable by human techniques of psychological manipulation." The experience that challenged him was when he prayed for a World War II veteran who had suffered from fear and bitterness for 28 years. After that prayer, the vet slept peacefully for the first time in decades and was "totally and instantaneously healed" from the hate and sorrow that had imprisoned him.

Other authors, who journeyed from skepticism, are Beth Moore (Believing God), Michael L. Brown (Israel's Divine Healer), James L. Garlow (God Still Heals), and Michael S. Barry (A Reason for Hope).

There are at least two dangers of holding too tightly to a theological system. First, no system accounts for all the biblical data. Second, the trickle down effect from scholar to lay person is often ineffective. For me, the practical outcome of a holding a theology that asserts "some gifts of the Holy Spirit such as … miraculous healings were temporary" was that I no longer really believed in healing miracles at all. My first response when hearing that someone was "healed" was skepticism. In theory I believed that God could heal; in reality I doubted that he ever would. Specifically, I was convinced that he had no intention of healing Ann.

Psalm 30:1-3:
I will exalt you,
O LORD, for you lifted me out of the depths and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
O LORD my God, I called to you for help and you healed me.
O LORD, you brought me up from the grave; you spared me from going down into the pit.

Prayer Requests:

• That we would have the necessary courage to return to Houston for the scans and the doctor's appointment. The reality of our situation often overwhelms us as we walk through the doors of M.D. Anderson.
• That our family's relationships would be characterized by patience and forgiveness, rather than arguing and anger.
• That God would physically heal Ann so that she can teach our kids and grandkids that "there is nothing our God cannot do."
• That God would demonstrate the reality of the resurrection from the dead by delivering Ann from the grip of death.
  

Thanks for praying and caring.

Love,
Howard & Ann


PS. If you know of anyone who needs encouragement to persevere, then feel free to point them my sermon "I Quit" at the following link: http://www.nhbc.net/previous-sermons.php. The date of the sermon was August 12, 2007. You can listen to the sermon via Real Player or iTunes.

Why won't you pray for my healing? (9/21/2007)

Hello to All,

On the one hand life seems kind of "normal" now. Ann went to Matt's football game, Drew's soccer game and Hannah's volleyball game this last week. She spent a good part of last Saturday shopping with Hannah. She cooked a few meals and did the grocery shopping. As the oncologist recently remarked, "Boring is good."

On the other hand the cancer still has its grip on Ann's liver. Toxic chemicals are dripped into her veins twice every three weeks. Ann's body was unable to sufficiently recover from Round 5 so she required a transfusion. The additional activities cause increased fatigue. Despair and hopelessness rule some days.

On other days Ann has a measure of rest and hope. A big factor is encouragement from the Word of God. Ann and I are working through a study on God's attributes. Ann, Laurie, Joan recently started Beth Moore's Believing God: Experiencing a Fresh Explosion of Faith. This incredible study has confirmed many of the things that we have learned this last year. I've been analyzing James 5:13-20, a significant passage on healing.

It seems that this journey of ours is best described as a paradox.


"Why Won't You Pray for My Healing?"
When the oncologist reported the preliminary diagnosis after Ann's surgery last year, I think the news sent Ann into some kind of shock. She didn't show any emotion at all for several days. What does a man say to his wife who just learned that she has aggressive, incurable cancer? With nowhere else to turn, I turned to the Psalms. I began with Psalm 1 and just read out loud while Ann silently lay in her hospital bed with her eyes closed.

We continued the practice after returning home from the hospital. I would read Psalms to her each evening and pray for her strength, grace, and endurance. After a week or so, Ann pierced me with the question, "Why won't you pray for my healing?"

I don't remember exactly how I responded that time, or the several subsequent times that Ann asked me to pray for physical healing. Basically, I was rightly committed to not promising something to Ann – or to the kids – that I didn't think would happen.

Looking back I've identified the following barriers to my willingness to pray for Ann's physical healing.

Experiential Barriers:

• Life is tough. When I was laid off after 9/11 and had to drop out of seminary for a semester, I experienced the truth that Christians are not exempt from hardships.
• Endurance takes great faith. While I was fruitlessly searching for work, I learned firsthand the difficulty of trusting God when he seemed absent. The primary question I wrestled with was, "Is God really good?"
• God uses suffering. The conference speakers that I respected the most were those who had endured incredible suffering.
• God heals naturally. If a person recovers from a disease, God generally uses doctors and medicine to bring about deliverance.
• Godly people die. C.S. Lewis' wife, Keith Wilhite (my preaching professor), Matt's kindergarten teacher and my Grandma all died "prematurely" of cancer.
• Presumption is ludicrous. I refuse to be so arrogant to think that we are more righteousness or have more faith than godly people who have suffered and died before us.

For the record – I still hold to each one of these "barriers." Each accurately reflects the experiences of life in a fallen world.

Theological barriers:

• Miracles were different then. The healing miracles performed by Jesus and the apostles were instantaneous (except Mark 8:23-25) and always effective (except Matt 17:14-20), even in the hardest cases. Therefore, God only rarely intervenes miraculously now, especially in developed nations.
• God is honored through suffering. Therefore, we should only pray for endurance in trials – not deliverance from them.
• We must accept God's will. To live is Christ and to die is gain. Therefore, we should assume that it's God's will for a person with aggressive, incurable cancer to die. I must prepare myself for Ann's imminent death.
• God is sovereign and knows the future in advance. Therefore, his will is set and we pray only to grow in our relationship with him. Prayer changes us; it doesn't really impact the circumstances of life.
• The Word was written to specific historical audiences. We must understand both the biblical culture and ours before making application. Therefore, we cannot claim passages on prayer, deliverance or physical healing as promises from God for us today.

Each of the theological barriers listed above contain two elements. The first is the basic assumption and is identified prior to the "therefore" statement. The second element is the conclusion that I derived from that basic assumption. It is described in the "therefore" statement and is italicized.

For the record – I still believe each basic assumption. Each accurately reflects the biblical data.

However, I have reevaluated and rejected each of my conclusions. Although each may accurately reflect the experience of life, each is erroneous with regard to the biblical data.

This last year has been a journey in evaluating my experience in light of biblical data, rather than evaluating the Bible in light of my experience.

Prayer Requests:

• That the "Mack Truck" side effect would again pass Ann by this coming week. Her next chemo treatment is Tuesday.
• That we would find hope and rest in the character of God as we study his Word in the coming weeks.
• That God would physically heal Ann so that she can teach our kids and grandkids that "there is nothing our God cannot do."
• That God would demonstrate the reality of the resurrection from the dead by delivering Ann from the grip of death.
  

James 5:14-16:
Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up.


Thanks for praying and caring.

Love,
Howard & Ann

God is Mystery (9/3/2007)

I believe that God is. The arrangement of the constellations, the continuity of the sunrise, the majesty of the mountains, the roar of the ocean waves, the uniqueness of each animal species, the complexity of a human cell, the creativity of man, the love of husband and wife, and the miracle of birth – all loudly declare that an intelligent being created it all. God has provided amble evidence that he exists. To draw another conclusion is inexcusable.

I believe that God is mystery. He is incomprehensible, inexplicable, inconceivable, unfathomable, profound, and perplexing. Anything less and he would cease to be God. As God, He shrouds himself in secrecy and his thoughts and deeds are beyond the capacity of my finite mind. Attempts to describe God will fall infinitely short of its intended mark.

Nevertheless, I believe that God is one who reveals himself to man. A mystery. Through the testimony of general revelation and especially the Bible, we can sufficiently, though not exhaustively, know of God.

I believe that God is the only true God. He is Elohim, the most high and powerful God. He is Adonai, my Lord and the Lord par excellence. He is YHWH, the God who is self-existent and enters into covenant with creation and Israel. He is the Most High God, God Almighty, the Lord of the Heavenly Armies, the Holy One, the Ancient of Days, the Judge of All the Earth, the Sovereign Lord, and the Almighty.

I believe that God is a personal being, who intimately relates to his creation. He is not an inanimate force; he is not a disinterested, uninvolved creator; he is not the cosmic force behind evolution. He is my Shepherd, my Rock, the One Who Will Provide, and the One Who Sees.

I believe that God is without need. God does not depend on anything; rather everything depends on Him. God lacks nothing in himself. Nevertheless, he chose to create the universe – not to fulfill a need, but as a loving, self-giving act. A mystery. He is perfectly complete without man; I am entirely empty without him. God is not bound by anything outside himself. He can freely do all that he desires.

I believe God is perfect. God's perfect nature is the measure of all that is pure, correct, and good. God's perfect nature does not change. God's perfect nature is completely fulfilled within himself. His internal well-being is not affected by his creation or mankind. Nevertheless, he condescends, choosing to participate with us in relationship, in which he displays emotions consistent with His nature. A mystery.

I believe God is infinite. God is unlimited and without constraints, both in his nature and in what he can do. God is unlimited in knowledge, comprehensively knowing the past, present, and future. God is unlimited in power. God is not constrained by space. He is absolutely distinct and separate from creation. God is not everything, nor is everything God. Nevertheless, he is present everywhere within creation, yet not confused with it. A mystery. God is not constrained by time. He is without beginning or end. He is outside of time. Nevertheless, he graciously acts in time to relate to His creation. A mystery.

I believe that God is unity. God is not composed of parts, nor are contradictions found in His nature. God is the only God, and God is only one. There is one infinite God, one divine being, one creator of all.

Nevertheless, I believe that God is tri-unity, or Trinity. A mystery. The one God eternally exists as three persons – the Father, His Son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit. Nevertheless, there is one God. A mystery. God disclosed Himself in the Old Testament as having mysterious unity and diversity in his own being and expression. God's self-disclosure is completed in the New Testament. The Divine unity remains – God is one. The Divine diversity is unpacked – God is three distinct persons. The Father is not the Son; the Son is not the Father. The Spirit is not the Son; the Spirit is not the Father. Nevertheless, God is one. A mystery. The Three are each completely and truly God. The Three are each personal, without need, perfect, infinite, and unity. The Divine cannot be divided; the Three cannot be confused.

I believe that the Father is wholly God. He, through the Son and Spirit, is the creator of all things – whether in heaven or on earth. He is the Sovereign Ruler, the King of the Universe. He is the Holy Judge. He is the One who graciously reconciles, sending his only Son as the appeasing sacrifice. He is the One to whom all things will return at the consummation of history.

I believe that the Son, Jesus Christ, is wholly God. The Son is the creator of all things; he is the sustainer of all things. The Son always existed with God, is present everywhere, knows all things, is unlimited in power, and never changes. The Son is the Only Begotten God, God with Us, the King of Kings, the Alpha and Omega. Jesus Christ claimed to be God. He forgave sins; his miracles validated his claims. Jesus Christ freely accepted worship.

Nevertheless, I believe that the Son, Jesus Christ, is wholly man. A mystery. The Eternal Son was conceived by the Holy Spirit in the womb of a young virgin named Mary. A mystery. The divine nature assumed a human nature, yet the two natures remained distinct. In his birth, youth, ministry, and death, he was completely human. Nevertheless, he remained fully God, conscious of his deity, yet not always exercising certain attributes. A mystery.

I believe that Holy Spirit is wholly God. The Holy Spirit is present everywhere, knows all things, and is unlimited in power. The Spirit is a person, not a force, as he has intelligence, volition, and emotions.

I believe that God is mystery.