Why Keep Asking? (6/30/2007)

Hello to All,

We received relatively good news from the oncologist yesterday morning. The cancer in Ann's bones is still "stable" (unchanged). It hasn't grown since chemo started in September. However, the tumors in her liver did show "progression" (growth) since the last scans seven weeks ago. The doctor was not alarmed because it often takes some time for the chemo to halt the momentum of the cancer. The breaks have been applied, but the car hasn't come to a complete stop yet. She is confident that we should continue with this regimen of chemo because the cancer responded to it. Hopefully our next scans will show that the tumors have stopped growing or perhaps have even begun to shrink.

God didn't answer our specific prayer for "stable." He did give us what we absolutely needed - chemo that effectively attacked the cancer. We would have been devastated at this point had the cancer been unresponsive to this new chemo regimen.

Ann was also encouraged to learn that the "hit by a truck" feeling was a common side effect of the chemo that she receives on Day 8 of each cycle. Knowing this will enable us to manage expectations and schedules, and it should help to keep Ann's mind from wandering into unnecessary places.

As we were leaving the hospital to return to Dallas, Ann remarked that she was at peace with the news and hopeful. I tried to mask my surprise when we got in the car and didn't ask for elaboration. After making a number of calls to update family and friends, I learned the source of her unexpected response. Several had specifically prayed for Ann to have peace and hope after yesterday's appointment. I'm sure many others did as well. Thank you.


I went to a funeral on Monday for the husband of a co-worker who died in a boating accident. He was 43 years old, loved his family, and was active in his church. He left behind his wife and three daughters, of whom the youngest seemed to be about six. His death was a major source of my discouragement over the last few weeks for two reasons.

First, I was again slammed with the reality that we live in a fallen world. No one is exempt from tragedy. Death comes to us all; sometimes without notice. Authors or preachers who claim that God always heals or always answers prayers fail to account for this reality and neglect scriptures on suffering. As I work to rethink my theology of healing, I am forced to review my theology of suffering as well. The two exist in tension.

Second, I was haunted by the question, "What right do I have to ask for Ann's deliverance?" This new widow didn't even have a chance to ask. Others have suffered and died from cancer, why should Ann be any different? On the one hand I have no basis. Our reasons for asking for healing are no more worthy than anyone else's. On the other hand I am God's child by grace and my Father graciously encourages me to ask. The scriptures below are a sampling of the reasons that I will continue to ask.

Keep on Asking:

• Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him... (James 5:14-15)
• If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. (John 15:7)
• Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. (Heb 4:16)
• This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us... (1 John 5:14-15)
• Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up... (Luke 18:1-8)
  
  

Prayer Requests:

• That the test results at the end of August would show that the cancer has stopped growing, that it is once again "stable."
• That we would find his strength in our weakness (2 Cor 12:9) so that we can keep running this race.
• That patience and forgiveness would characterize our relationships (parents to children and children to parents) rather than anger and arguing.
• That God would heal Ann in his time and way so that our grandchildren can know her love and faith.
  

Thank you for praying and caring for us.

Love,
Howard & Ann

Endurance is Overrated (6/27/2007)

Hello to All,

We had a very encouraging trip back to the Midwest. Thanks to all for praying. It was nice to see corn fields instead of parking lots, real trees instead of power lines, and grain elevators instead of office buildings.

In Missouri we saw family and friends on Thursday evening and enjoyed the Yarnell (Ann's dad) family reunion on Friday and Saturday. A couple of trips to her dad's grave, though hard, were a necessary part of the grieving process.

In Iowa the elders of the church publicly prayed for Ann's complete healing. I spoke on Hebrews 12:1-2 and hopefully encouraged many to persevere in their own struggles, to run their race with endurance. We spent some good time with old friends and young aunts. Most importantly, we found time to indulge at the Machine Shed and Hickory Park.

We were greatly encouraged by the love, faith and concern shown by all of our family and friends. Two items are worth a special note:

• A cousin told Ann that he has prayed more for her than he has anyone in his life. We hate cancer, but we are thankful that God is using it to draw people to prayer.
• We had an honest discussion with Pastor Charles about healing and suffering. I respect his integrity with the Scriptures and his understanding of the realities of life. We took heart when he counseled us to keep on praying and trusting Jesus Christ for healing.

The return to Dallas was rather discouraging. Back to traffic. Back to the daily grind. Back to chemo. Round 2 of this regimen was several degrees of difficulty greater than Round 1. Physically, Ann felt like she was hit by a truck for about the last five days. It could have been a lot worse, but is still wasn't much fun. Emotionally, we both ran into a wall. It's tough for Ann to remain hopeful when she feels cruddy. I think I'm just out of gas. I know it should be expected, but it's frustrating nonetheless. Quite frankly we are both tired of the race we have been asked to run. I take comfort knowing that the Psalmists and the prophets often asked, "How long, O Lord?"

We head to Houston in the morning for another round of tests. We meet with the oncologist Friday morning to find out if the new chemo regimen is working.

Prayer Requests:

• That the test results would show that the cancer has stopped growing, that it is once again "stable."
• That we would find his strength in our weakness (2 Cor 12:9) so that we can keep running this race.
• That patience and forgiveness would characterize our relationships (parents to children and children to parents) rather than anger and arguing.
• That God would heal Ann in his time and way so that our grandchildren can know her love and faith.
  

Hebrews 12:1-2:
Therefore, since we have such great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us,
by throwing off every impediment and the sin that entangles us,
let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,
by keeping our eyes fixed on Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith,
who account of the joy set before him, endured the cross, despising the shame,
and he has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Thanks for praying and caring for us.

Love,
Howard & Ann

A Look Back (6/2/2007)

Hello,

Ann has handled the first two doses of Round 1 relatively well. The pattern seems to be that she feels pretty good on Thursday and Friday after the chemo treatment, but gets tired and achy on Saturday and Sunday. Fortunately, she has not been nauseous yet. It has certainly been easier being in Dallas, rather than Houston, for the chemo treatments. It's also helpful that the treatments are just once per week for a few hours and that they only occur two weeks out of every three.

We are planning a quick trip up to Missouri and Iowa this coming week. We will leave after Ann's doctor's appointment on Wednesday and return home in time for Round 2, which begins on Thursday, June 14th. A highlight will be visiting our church back in Perry on Sunday, where I will have the privilege of sharing lessons learned from this last year.

For a change of pace I thought I'd give Ann a chance to share her heart. Here are a few entries from her journal.

May 20th:
My heart is so heavy this morning. It has been the last few weeks. My heart is still aching. I have the fear of the unknown... Psalm 69:19 "Blessed be the Lord who daily bears our burden." Thank you Lord that you know my hurt, my pain. You understand and you are there. There is no guarantee that I will..., but Lord you are still here for me. You are my Father.

May 21st:
All these emotions and fears bottled up inside me. Not sure how I should deal with them. Know in my head and in my heart what is true... Know he loves me. Know he is good, but the pain, the fear, the hurt is still there. Feel like I should read verses and be comforted, but it doesn't happen.

May 27th:
1 Peter 4:19 "Therefore, let those also who suffer according to the will of God entrust their souls to a faithful creator in doing what is right." To you, Creator God, I entrust my hurting heart and soul. Today I choose to put my trust in you for the future. Bear my burden today. Be my strength.

May 29th:
A walk of faith - that is what God has called me to. To focus on him, to see who he is. He knows my hurts; he knows my pain. He knows my fears of the future... I can pour our those fears; I can cry my tears. He understands. He is a God of compassion and mercy. If we know God, we do not need to know why he allows us to experience what we do. Thank you Lord that I know you and that for today I can trust and believe you - that the future is in your hands.

Ann felt good enough over Memorial Day weekend to spend numerous hours in the garage helping me sift through the accumulated clutter in order to toss it, give it away, or put it back on the shelves. Ann took some time to browse through several of her old journals. The four entries recorded above were written fifteen years ago, the year that we had three miscarriages. The "fear of the unknown," the "no guarantee," and the "fears of the future" all related to the question, "Will we ever be able to have another baby?" (This was after Paul and Drew were born, but before Hannah and Matt.)

The feelings recorded in those journal entries were so parallel to her current ones that she was forced to ask, "Did I not learn the lesson the first time? Is that why God allowed me to get incurable cancer?" I concluded the opposite. I believe that because she learned to trust God in the midst of pain and uncertainty fifteen years ago, she is able to trust God with an even more difficult situation. She learned that he was faithful then. He will be faithful now, even when there is no guarantee.

Lamentations 3:21b-23:
This I recall to my mind, Therefore I have hope.
The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.

Prayer Requests:

• That Ann's blood counts would remain strong so that she can receive clearance to travel back to Missouri and Iowa.
• That God would strengthen Ann emotionally for her return home. Pete's in heaven and won't be in his chair.
• That Paul and Drew will be wise and safe while we are gone. We can't afford any more pain.
• That God would use my sermon on Sunday to encourage those needing endurance.
• That God would heal Ann in his time and way so that our grandkids can know her love and faith.
  

Thanks for praying and caring for us.

Love,
Howard & Ann


PS. I forgot to mention that the primary purpose of our northerly trek is to attend a Yarnell family reunion (Ann's dad's family). This will be the first time we've been back in St. Joseph since Ann's dad died two years ago, June 8th. The two older boys, Paul & Drew, will stay here in Dallas to work.