The First Six Days (7/23/2007)

Hello to All,

Ann continues to rebound from Round 3. Her energy is improving, which helps her emotions some days. Her liver area usually hurts, not excruciatingly, but it's not comfortable. Is the cancer destroying her liver or is the chemo killing the cancer? We find that "waiting upon the Lord" and "being anxious for nothing" is not as easy as it sounds.

We are now focusing on preparing for our annual trek to Rocky Mountain National Park; we leave on Friday, July 27th. Hiking to a lake or peak is always a reminder of the greatness, majesty and power of God. The enormity and the ruggedness of the mountains – above or below – often overwhelms us. Sometimes it frightens us. If I truly believed the stories in the Bible, wouldn't I be overwhelmed and sometimes frightened by God the Father (Ex. 19:10-25)? By the Lord Jesus Christ (Rev. 19:11-21)? By the Holy Spirit (Acts 5:1-11)? I fear that the image of God that I worship has been too small.

It's been a year since the surgeon removed Ann's spleen in order to diagnose why it had been enlarged for several months. A trip down memory lane might be therapeutic for me and perhaps encouraging for you.

Thursday Afternoon (7/27)
The surgical waiting room looked like a bit like church potluck, save the food. Many of our friends congregated to support us and an energetic bunch from the youth group were there to encourage our kids. I'm so thankful that we had chosen to invest in relationships, even while in seminary. We wouldn't have made it thus far otherwise.

We were hoping and praying that the enlarged spleen had been caused by some type of infection. Leukemia and lymphoma had already been ruled out. When the surgeon finally completed his task, he came into the waiting room and informed me that the spleen was definitely filled with cancer. A preliminary diagnosis would come in the morning.

Friday Morning (7/28)
The oncologist and his nurse DeeDee came into our room to inform us of the preliminary findings. He professionally reported that that the pathologist was 90% certain that Ann had Stage IV Melanoma. It had already spread to at least the liver and probably the lungs. I didn't know much about cancer, but knew from a coworker that melanoma was extremely serious.

DeeDee sensed both our shock and the Holy Spirit, so she stayed behind to pray for us. She said, "God is the God of the 10%" and that he overrides statistics. She then confidently prayed for God to do just that. What an amazing act of faith for a nurse who faces the realities of cancer every day.

I appreciated DeeDee's gesture but knew that God wouldn't answer her prayer.

Friday Afternoon (7/28)
I called some family and friends with the news… If you've made such calls, then no elaboration is necessary.

Ann's mom and brother stayed with Ann for a bit while I went home to tell the kids. How do I tell them the truth without erasing all hope? How do I encourage hope without giving them false hopes? This was the toughest thing I've ever had to do.

Monday Evening (7/31)
I went for a coke at Chili's with my friend Dave because I wanted to know what I was up against at tomorrow's appointment. I forced Dave to confirm the statistics that I already knew. Ann probably had about eight months to live.

Dave attempted to give me some hope with the gesture, "You know, Howard, God could heal her." I recall looking him in the eye and sharply responding, "He could. But he won't."

Tuesday Morning (8/1)
Dave and Joan, Jim and Laurie, Pastor Charles from Iowa, Ann's mom, and the kids gathered with Ann and I before the dreaded appointment, in which we would learn the diagnosis and prognosis. I read three paragraphs from the Psalms (Ps 33:16-22; 55:1-8; and 57:1-8) to the group and several prayed. As I walked to the cars waiting out front, I realized that I had just conducted Ann's funeral.

When we finally saw the oncologist, primed with notepad and digital recorder, we were shocked when he questioned, "What are your symptoms?" Basically, the pathologist had been unable to determine the type of cancer that had engulfed Ann's spleen. But it was definitely not melanoma.

Hebrews 11:17-19:
By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice. He who had received the promises was about to sacrifice his one and only son, even though God had said to him, "It is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned." Abraham reasoned that God could raise the dead, and figuratively speaking, he did receive Isaac back from death.

Could the God who raised Long's Peak really raise Ann from incurable cancer? Is my image of God big enough to believe that he would?

Prayer Requests:

• That God would use my sermon (August 12th) in our church in Dallas (www.nhbc.net) to encourage those who are struggling to persevere.
• That God would overwhelm us with his greatness and power, his ruggedness and holiness, his compassion and intimacy, as we worship him while hiking.
• That God would enable Ann to make it to Dream Lake, where we always take a family picture.
• That God would heal Ann in his time and way so that we can worship him with our all of grandkids someday on the rocky shores of Dream Lake.

Thanks for praying and caring.

Love,
Howard & Ann

Can We Trust His Word? (7/18/2007)

Hello to All,

Thanks for praying for us this last week. The "Mack Truck" didn't hit her this time. It was only a Ford F150. And it didn't even back up and hit her again and again. We are grateful that this round was significantly less difficult than Round 2. Perhaps it's a coincidence. Perhaps God answered our prayers.

We are also grateful that Ann won't have any chemo until August 7th. She's taking a bit of break so that we can make our annual trek to Estes Park, Colorado. We are looking forward to some quality family time and being awestruck by the majesty of God.


I've tried to be honest with our struggles and doubts in previous emails with the hope that others might be encouraged in their own battles. I will continue that modus operandi today, even at the risk of sounding heretical.

Back in college at Iowa State, when I was active in evangelism, I often communicated the good news of Jesus Christ to fraternity brothers, classmates and others. If a person decided that they wanted to place their faith in Christ for the forgiveness of his/her sins, then I would help them communicate that decision to God through prayer. If the person seemed genuine I would read 1 John 5:13, which promises, "I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God so that you may know that you have eternal life (emphasis mine)." I would then state, "It doesn't say, 'Think, maybe, hope, wish, possibly there's a chance.'" I confidently assured him, on the basis of God's Word, that he now possessed eternal life, if he truly trusted in Jesus Christ.

Given our present circumstances we've been forced to reexamine our assumptions about the Bible. Though Ann has moved past the "What if God doesn't exist?" question, she is now wrestling with "What if the Bible isn't true?" I spent too much time, money, and energy during my nine years of seminary to go there. My question is, "What if God doesn't keep his promises?"

The two verses that follow in 1 John contain a second promise:

"And this is the confidence that we have before him: that whenever we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us in regard to whatever we ask, then we know that we have the requests that we have asked from him (emphasis mine)."

I confidently encouraged classmates to trust in the first promise. Can I really depend on this second one? Can I honestly encourage Ann to rely it? Should I encourage the kids to bank on it? If the second promise isn't really reliable, is the first one? Either both promises are true or neither is.

I believe that the following verses are indisputable, rock-sold promises for believers today:

• Remain in me, and I will remain in you. Just as the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it remains in the vine, so neither can you unless you remain in me (John 15:4).
• For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them (Matthew 18:20).
• For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us (Psalm 103:11-12).

If I believe that God keeps those three promises, why do I struggle with the next three? They are recorded in the same passage.

• If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you want, and it will be done for you (John 15:7).
• Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven (Matthew 18:19).
• Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits-- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases (Psalm 103:2-3).

Perhaps they're not really promises. Perhaps they don't mean what they seem to say. Perhaps they just don't apply to us today. Can I really take God at his word?

Prayer Requests:

• That we would leave our tension in Texas while we enjoy a week in Rocky Mountain National Park (leaving 7/27).
• That Ann would have the physical strength to hike to Dream Lake, where we always take our family picture.
• That the chemo would kill the tumors and that Ann's liver would return to normal size.
• That God would heal Ann in his time and way so that our grandkids will know her love and faith.
  

Thanks for listening.

Love,
Howard & Ann

James & Peter (7/12/2007)

Hello to All,

I’m sitting here with Ann in the Infusion Center at Baylor Hospital as she receives another dose of “medicine.” It’s Day 8 of Round 3, which means that she gets the Taxotere (with the “hit by a truck” side effect) in addition to the regular Gemcitamine. The immediate goal is to survive these effects for the next four or five days. A bit of a break follows as Round 4 won’t start until August 7th, when we return from Colorado.

Ann reported that she seems to have moved past the legitimate question, "What if there is no God?" She has become settled in her confidence that God exists. This battle with cancer has tested and confirmed the validity of her faith. Reading the Bible together each night has certainly been a factor. One question answered; only 3871 to go.

Two of the questions that have plagued us from the beginning are:

Why us?
Why did Ann get incurable cancer? Here are some of our current thoughts.

• Physically, there is no known cause for angiosarcoma of the spleen.
• Theologically, we live in a fallen world. Disease and death are a consequence of man's rebellion against his Creator.
• Spiritually, the cancer could have been caused by her sin or mine. However, we have confessed and repented of all known sin, and then some. None of our mentors or close friends have confronted us with blind spots. Thus, we humbly and tentatively conclude that our sin was not the cause.
• Practically, our response is more important than the cause. We know that we are to learn his Word (Ps. 119:71) and to reflect his holiness (Heb 12:10).
• Ultimately, we just don't know why Ann has cancer.
  

Why not them?
If God still heals in our day, why hasn't he healed more often?

• Why didn't he heal my Grandma Hill who died of cancer when I was six or my Grandma Joslin who died of cancer before I was born?
• Why hasn't he yet healed family members and friends who are struggling with difficult illnesses like MS?
• Why didn't he deliver the three families who lost sons in their twenties to cancer, to war, and to an accident?
• Ultimately, we don't know the answer to this question either.
  

James & Peter:
The story of James and Peter recorded in Acts 12:1-19 provides helpful perspective to these two questions. Herod began persecuting Christians by executing James. He then arrested Peter with a similar malicious intent. However, God intervened and miraculously delivered Peter. Why?

• It wasn't because Peter was more righteous than James. Peter was a bit rough around the edges.
• It wasn't because of Peter's faith. He didn't even know that he was really being delivered until he was well outside the prison.
• It wasn't because of the faith of the prayer warriors. The group thought Rhoda was out of her mind when she exclaimed, "Peter is at the door!"
• Ultimately, we don't know why God chose to deliver Peter from death and James through death. The text doesn't say. By faith we know that, somehow, in his wisdom and love God purposed it this way.
• Ultimately, if Ann is physically healed from this cancer, it will be because of God's grace and plan.

Hebrews 11:35b-39:
Others were tortured and refused to be released, so that they might gain a better resurrection.
Some faced jeers and flogging, while still others were chained and put in prison.
They were stoned; they were sawed in two; they were put to death by the sword.
They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated
--the world was not worthy of them.
They wondered in deserts and mountains, and in caves and holes in the ground.
These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised.

Prayer Requests:

• That the “Mack Truck” would be a bit kinder and gentler this round.
• That the chemo would kill the tumors in Ann’s liver and that the liver itself would return to its normal size.
• That we can persevere in our hope for healing by trusting in God's character and his Word.
• That God would heal Ann in his time and way so that our grandkids will know her faith and love.

Thank you for the encouraging emails and cards. Thanks especially for praying.

Love,
Howard & Ann