Eating My Words (8/25/2007)

Hello to All,

Dr. Steinert was her typical upbeat self when she walked into the examination room yesterday. She exclaimed, "It looks like you are doing well!" The scans showed that the cancer had basically remained "stable" since the tests eight weeks ago. Ann's lungs are still cancer free and the blood tests show that her liver is still functioning normally. The doctor was also excited to hear that Ann had been able to hike fifteen miles while in Colorado and that she has experienced minimal side effects from the chemo. Apparently, this regimen will wipe some people out so badly that they have to lie in bed for days.

Dr. Steinert's challenge is to balance two competing priorities: to minimize or stop the growth of the cancer and to enable Ann to have an adequate "quality of life." (We both hate that term.) Ann's last regimen was limited to eight rounds because of its toxicity, so I asked if there was a limit to this regimen. The doctor reported that she has a patient who had just completed Round 57. As long as the cancer remains stable and Ann continues to do well, it looks like she will continue this regimen - until God physically heals.

Ann has been receiving chemo treatments for almost a year and it has become a bittersweet part of our routine. Thank you for carrying us through prayer this last year. Ann starts Round 5 on Tuesday.


During seminary I often visited a couple of Half Price Books Stores with my friend Hector in order to find good deals on commentaries and other Biblical reference books. I distinctly remember having this arrogant thought on one of our shopping sprees, "I don't need any of the 'popular' Christian books. I get all I need for daily life from studying the Bible with some good commentaries." I usually didn't even bother to go to the 'Christian Living' section of the store, but just camped in the reference section.

In a previous email I voiced a troubling question, "What if God doesn't really keep his promises?" If you can guess the biblical scholar (before reading the rest of the email) whose careful arguments convinced me that I could trust God's Word, I will wire you $1,000.

I was bored one afternoon last month while shopping with Ann, so I went outside to wait patiently for her in the car. I noticed a small book next to Ann's seat, one that was given to her while we were back in Iowa. I began to scan the first chapter.

The author related the time that her children asked her, "Is there anything God cannot do?" She thought a bit and then replied, "He can't break his promises." After they ran off to resume play, she pondered the implication of what she had just said. She writes,

"If God cannot break his promises, then we know that we can stake our lives and afterlives on them… I can depend on the God of all Creation to do what he says he's going to do. To do otherwise would be to violate his own person. His promises are guaranteed by the same power that keeps the sun in its place and the planets spinning in their orbits."

The book was Gentle Grace and the author was Kathy Lee Gifford. The Holy Spirit used the former star of Regis and Kathy Lee to force me to eat my words and to convince me to trust his again.

Trusting His Word:

• "It is impossible for God to lie…" (Heb 6:18)
• "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful." (Heb 10:23)
• "Not one of all the LORD's good promises to the house of Israel failed; every one was fulfilled." (Joshua 21:45)
• "For truly I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not the smallest letter or stroke shall pass from the Law until all is accomplished." (Matt 5:18)
• "Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock." (Matt 7:24)
  

Prayer Requests:

• That patience and forgiveness would characterize our family's relationships, rather than anger and arguing.
• That the "Mack Truck" side effect would swerve past Ann again.
• That Ann would continue to tolerate the chemo and that the chemo would continue to hold the cancer in check.
• That God would physically heal Ann in his time and way so that our grandkids will know her love and faith.
  

Thanks for praying and caring.

Love,
Howard & Ann

Not by Might (8/19/2007)

Hello to All,

We celebrated our twenty second anniversary this weekend. We kind of had a get-a-way without having to leave home. Matt and Hannah have been with my sister's family in Indiana for the week. Drew was busy with the youth group and work. Paul returned to John Brown University in Arkansas Saturday morning. It was great for Ann and me to just hang out together for the weekend. Cancer can make you appreciate what you do have.

Last year we were engulfed in uncertainty on our anniversary. We had received our diagnosis from the doctors in Dallas, but hadn't had our first appointment at MD Anderson in Houston. We didn't know what chemo regimen we would face; we didn't know what the chemo would do to Ann's body; we didn't know if the chemo would even be effective against the cancer. I hadn't sent out my first email update; I didn't even know if it was OK for me to pray for Ann's physical healing. We didn't know how far the cancer had spread; we didn't even know if Ann would make it to Twenty-two.

Thank you for carrying us in prayer this last year. I believe that we had the physical and emotional strength to endure because of prayer. I believe that we were able to ask tough questions without chucking our faith because of prayer. I believe that the chemo effectively held the cancer in check because of prayer; I believe that Ann's body held up against the toxicity of the chemo because of prayer. I believe that Ann is alive today because of prayer. Thank you and praise God.

Dave and Joan came over last Saturday evening to pray for my sermon. Jim and Laurie sent a text message saying that they were praying. Alan prayed with me before the service. Many of you prayed. It's not that I was nervous. I had taught a form of this message two other times. I had adequately prepared. I would be preaching to our home church. I would be cheered on by many of the families in our home Bible study group.

I just didn't know if I'd have the composure to make it through the message. I broke down numerous times Saturday morning while at Panera Bread putting the finishing touches on my manuscript. I wept several times early Sunday morning as I ran through my delivery. I cried as Alan and the worship team led the congregation in many of the songs that had ministered to us over the last year. Sometimes I found myself grasping for breath in order to hold back the sobbing.

I wondered how in the world I would get through the sermon. As the congregation sang I thought to myself, "Maybe I won't make it. The grief may become so great that I won't have the composure to continue. If so, I could just quit. Everyone would understand…"

I was then hit by the irony of my thinking. You see, my sermon's big idea was to "Keep the Christian Faith. Never quit!"

Pastor Rick sensed my predicament and the Holy Spirit, so just before I went up to preach he put his arm around my shoulder and prayed that God would speak his word through me. As I walked to the podium I knew that God would answer his prayer.

I never lost my composure during the sermon, though I did get choked up numerous times. Surprisingly, I was able to finish each sentence. This was the first time in my ministry that I was more pleased with my verbal delivery than my written notes.

I had gone for a walk that morning to pray for my sermon. The heart of my prayer was that I just wanted the Lord to be pleased with what I said, even if I looked like a fool while saying it. Pastor Rick closed the service in prayer with the words, "Lord, we know you were pleased this morning..." I knew then that God had answered my prayer.

Ezekiel 4:6
'Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,' says the LORD Almighty.

Prayer Requests:

• That Ann can maintain hope in spite of bad news. Ann cratered emotionally today when we learned that another friend has cancer.
• That the logistics would fall in place so that I can attend my grandmother's funeral in Iowa this week (perhaps on Wednesday).
• That the scans (Thursday) and the doctor's appointment (Friday) would confirm that the chemo is killing the tumors.
• That God would heal Ann in his time and way so that we can worship him with our all of grandkids someday in Rocky Mountain National Park.

Thanks for praying and carrying us.

Love,
Howard & Ann

My Rock (8/8/2007)

Hello to All,

Yesterday afternoon we returned from a great trip to Colorado. It was refreshing to be away from the city and the heat, from our responsibilities and our reality. The majesty of the mountains, the roaring of the streams, the splendor of the wildlife, and the delicacy of the flora all served as reminders of God's glory and diversions from Evil's cancer. Ann used the word "surreal" several times.

The attached picture is of our family at Dream Lake. Ann and I made this hike together on our honeymoon twenty-two years ago. We hiked it again on our tenth anniversary when we were contemplating attending Denver Seminary. Now we have hiked it five times with our four kids. We are praying that God will graciously privilege us with making this hike with all of our grandchildren. To do so will truly be proof that God still heals today.

Ann felt great most of the time we were in Colorado. She not only hiked to Dream Lake, she also made several other hikes with us. In total she trekked about fifteen miles. Not bad for a woman who gets tired walking across Wal-Mart's parking lot. Thanks for praying for her endurance. As Ann pressed along the trail, she sang a song she used to sing with our kids:

"My God is so big, so strong and so mighty.
There's nothing my God cannot do."

By faith we made reservations for next summer. By grace Ann will teach this song to our grandchildren as she hikes with them in Rocky Mountain National Park.

This morning Ann started Round 4 of her current chemo regimen.

Psalm 18:1-2:
I love you, O LORD, my strength.
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer.
My God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

Prayer Requests:

• That God would use my sermon (August 12th) in our church in Dallas (www.nhbc.net) to encourage those who are struggling to persevere.
• That we could celebrate our anniversary (August 17th) in hope and not fear.
• That the scans (August 23rd) and doctor's appointment (August 24th) after Round 4 would confirm that the chemo is killing the tumors.
• That God would heal Ann in his time and way so that we can worship him with our all of grandkids someday at Dream Lake.
  

Thanks for praying for Ann's endurance and healing.

Love,
Howard & Ann