The First Six Days (7/23/2007)

Hello to All,

Ann continues to rebound from Round 3. Her energy is improving, which helps her emotions some days. Her liver area usually hurts, not excruciatingly, but it's not comfortable. Is the cancer destroying her liver or is the chemo killing the cancer? We find that "waiting upon the Lord" and "being anxious for nothing" is not as easy as it sounds.

We are now focusing on preparing for our annual trek to Rocky Mountain National Park; we leave on Friday, July 27th. Hiking to a lake or peak is always a reminder of the greatness, majesty and power of God. The enormity and the ruggedness of the mountains – above or below – often overwhelms us. Sometimes it frightens us. If I truly believed the stories in the Bible, wouldn't I be overwhelmed and sometimes frightened by God the Father (Ex. 19:10-25)? By the Lord Jesus Christ (Rev. 19:11-21)? By the Holy Spirit (Acts 5:1-11)? I fear that the image of God that I worship has been too small.

It's been a year since the surgeon removed Ann's spleen in order to diagnose why it had been enlarged for several months. A trip down memory lane might be therapeutic for me and perhaps encouraging for you.

Thursday Afternoon (7/27)
The surgical waiting room looked like a bit like church potluck, save the food. Many of our friends congregated to support us and an energetic bunch from the youth group were there to encourage our kids. I'm so thankful that we had chosen to invest in relationships, even while in seminary. We wouldn't have made it thus far otherwise.

We were hoping and praying that the enlarged spleen had been caused by some type of infection. Leukemia and lymphoma had already been ruled out. When the surgeon finally completed his task, he came into the waiting room and informed me that the spleen was definitely filled with cancer. A preliminary diagnosis would come in the morning.

Friday Morning (7/28)
The oncologist and his nurse DeeDee came into our room to inform us of the preliminary findings. He professionally reported that that the pathologist was 90% certain that Ann had Stage IV Melanoma. It had already spread to at least the liver and probably the lungs. I didn't know much about cancer, but knew from a coworker that melanoma was extremely serious.

DeeDee sensed both our shock and the Holy Spirit, so she stayed behind to pray for us. She said, "God is the God of the 10%" and that he overrides statistics. She then confidently prayed for God to do just that. What an amazing act of faith for a nurse who faces the realities of cancer every day.

I appreciated DeeDee's gesture but knew that God wouldn't answer her prayer.

Friday Afternoon (7/28)
I called some family and friends with the news… If you've made such calls, then no elaboration is necessary.

Ann's mom and brother stayed with Ann for a bit while I went home to tell the kids. How do I tell them the truth without erasing all hope? How do I encourage hope without giving them false hopes? This was the toughest thing I've ever had to do.

Monday Evening (7/31)
I went for a coke at Chili's with my friend Dave because I wanted to know what I was up against at tomorrow's appointment. I forced Dave to confirm the statistics that I already knew. Ann probably had about eight months to live.

Dave attempted to give me some hope with the gesture, "You know, Howard, God could heal her." I recall looking him in the eye and sharply responding, "He could. But he won't."

Tuesday Morning (8/1)
Dave and Joan, Jim and Laurie, Pastor Charles from Iowa, Ann's mom, and the kids gathered with Ann and I before the dreaded appointment, in which we would learn the diagnosis and prognosis. I read three paragraphs from the Psalms (Ps 33:16-22; 55:1-8; and 57:1-8) to the group and several prayed. As I walked to the cars waiting out front, I realized that I had just conducted Ann's funeral.

When we finally saw the oncologist, primed with notepad and digital recorder, we were shocked when he questioned, "What are your symptoms?" Basically, the pathologist had been unable to determine the type of cancer that had engulfed Ann's spleen. But it was definitely not melanoma.

Hebrews 11:17-19:
By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice. He who had received the promises was about to sacrifice his one and only son, even though God had said to him, "It is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned." Abraham reasoned that God could raise the dead, and figuratively speaking, he did receive Isaac back from death.

Could the God who raised Long's Peak really raise Ann from incurable cancer? Is my image of God big enough to believe that he would?

Prayer Requests:

• That God would use my sermon (August 12th) in our church in Dallas (www.nhbc.net) to encourage those who are struggling to persevere.
• That God would overwhelm us with his greatness and power, his ruggedness and holiness, his compassion and intimacy, as we worship him while hiking.
• That God would enable Ann to make it to Dream Lake, where we always take a family picture.
• That God would heal Ann in his time and way so that we can worship him with our all of grandkids someday on the rocky shores of Dream Lake.

Thanks for praying and caring.

Love,
Howard & Ann

Can We Trust His Word? (7/18/2007)

Hello to All,

Thanks for praying for us this last week. The "Mack Truck" didn't hit her this time. It was only a Ford F150. And it didn't even back up and hit her again and again. We are grateful that this round was significantly less difficult than Round 2. Perhaps it's a coincidence. Perhaps God answered our prayers.

We are also grateful that Ann won't have any chemo until August 7th. She's taking a bit of break so that we can make our annual trek to Estes Park, Colorado. We are looking forward to some quality family time and being awestruck by the majesty of God.


I've tried to be honest with our struggles and doubts in previous emails with the hope that others might be encouraged in their own battles. I will continue that modus operandi today, even at the risk of sounding heretical.

Back in college at Iowa State, when I was active in evangelism, I often communicated the good news of Jesus Christ to fraternity brothers, classmates and others. If a person decided that they wanted to place their faith in Christ for the forgiveness of his/her sins, then I would help them communicate that decision to God through prayer. If the person seemed genuine I would read 1 John 5:13, which promises, "I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God so that you may know that you have eternal life (emphasis mine)." I would then state, "It doesn't say, 'Think, maybe, hope, wish, possibly there's a chance.'" I confidently assured him, on the basis of God's Word, that he now possessed eternal life, if he truly trusted in Jesus Christ.

Given our present circumstances we've been forced to reexamine our assumptions about the Bible. Though Ann has moved past the "What if God doesn't exist?" question, she is now wrestling with "What if the Bible isn't true?" I spent too much time, money, and energy during my nine years of seminary to go there. My question is, "What if God doesn't keep his promises?"

The two verses that follow in 1 John contain a second promise:

"And this is the confidence that we have before him: that whenever we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us in regard to whatever we ask, then we know that we have the requests that we have asked from him (emphasis mine)."

I confidently encouraged classmates to trust in the first promise. Can I really depend on this second one? Can I honestly encourage Ann to rely it? Should I encourage the kids to bank on it? If the second promise isn't really reliable, is the first one? Either both promises are true or neither is.

I believe that the following verses are indisputable, rock-sold promises for believers today:

• Remain in me, and I will remain in you. Just as the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it remains in the vine, so neither can you unless you remain in me (John 15:4).
• For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them (Matthew 18:20).
• For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us (Psalm 103:11-12).

If I believe that God keeps those three promises, why do I struggle with the next three? They are recorded in the same passage.

• If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you want, and it will be done for you (John 15:7).
• Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven (Matthew 18:19).
• Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits-- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases (Psalm 103:2-3).

Perhaps they're not really promises. Perhaps they don't mean what they seem to say. Perhaps they just don't apply to us today. Can I really take God at his word?

Prayer Requests:

• That we would leave our tension in Texas while we enjoy a week in Rocky Mountain National Park (leaving 7/27).
• That Ann would have the physical strength to hike to Dream Lake, where we always take our family picture.
• That the chemo would kill the tumors and that Ann's liver would return to normal size.
• That God would heal Ann in his time and way so that our grandkids will know her love and faith.
  

Thanks for listening.

Love,
Howard & Ann

James & Peter (7/12/2007)

Hello to All,

I’m sitting here with Ann in the Infusion Center at Baylor Hospital as she receives another dose of “medicine.” It’s Day 8 of Round 3, which means that she gets the Taxotere (with the “hit by a truck” side effect) in addition to the regular Gemcitamine. The immediate goal is to survive these effects for the next four or five days. A bit of a break follows as Round 4 won’t start until August 7th, when we return from Colorado.

Ann reported that she seems to have moved past the legitimate question, "What if there is no God?" She has become settled in her confidence that God exists. This battle with cancer has tested and confirmed the validity of her faith. Reading the Bible together each night has certainly been a factor. One question answered; only 3871 to go.

Two of the questions that have plagued us from the beginning are:

Why us?
Why did Ann get incurable cancer? Here are some of our current thoughts.

• Physically, there is no known cause for angiosarcoma of the spleen.
• Theologically, we live in a fallen world. Disease and death are a consequence of man's rebellion against his Creator.
• Spiritually, the cancer could have been caused by her sin or mine. However, we have confessed and repented of all known sin, and then some. None of our mentors or close friends have confronted us with blind spots. Thus, we humbly and tentatively conclude that our sin was not the cause.
• Practically, our response is more important than the cause. We know that we are to learn his Word (Ps. 119:71) and to reflect his holiness (Heb 12:10).
• Ultimately, we just don't know why Ann has cancer.
  

Why not them?
If God still heals in our day, why hasn't he healed more often?

• Why didn't he heal my Grandma Hill who died of cancer when I was six or my Grandma Joslin who died of cancer before I was born?
• Why hasn't he yet healed family members and friends who are struggling with difficult illnesses like MS?
• Why didn't he deliver the three families who lost sons in their twenties to cancer, to war, and to an accident?
• Ultimately, we don't know the answer to this question either.
  

James & Peter:
The story of James and Peter recorded in Acts 12:1-19 provides helpful perspective to these two questions. Herod began persecuting Christians by executing James. He then arrested Peter with a similar malicious intent. However, God intervened and miraculously delivered Peter. Why?

• It wasn't because Peter was more righteous than James. Peter was a bit rough around the edges.
• It wasn't because of Peter's faith. He didn't even know that he was really being delivered until he was well outside the prison.
• It wasn't because of the faith of the prayer warriors. The group thought Rhoda was out of her mind when she exclaimed, "Peter is at the door!"
• Ultimately, we don't know why God chose to deliver Peter from death and James through death. The text doesn't say. By faith we know that, somehow, in his wisdom and love God purposed it this way.
• Ultimately, if Ann is physically healed from this cancer, it will be because of God's grace and plan.

Hebrews 11:35b-39:
Others were tortured and refused to be released, so that they might gain a better resurrection.
Some faced jeers and flogging, while still others were chained and put in prison.
They were stoned; they were sawed in two; they were put to death by the sword.
They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated
--the world was not worthy of them.
They wondered in deserts and mountains, and in caves and holes in the ground.
These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised.

Prayer Requests:

• That the “Mack Truck” would be a bit kinder and gentler this round.
• That the chemo would kill the tumors in Ann’s liver and that the liver itself would return to its normal size.
• That we can persevere in our hope for healing by trusting in God's character and his Word.
• That God would heal Ann in his time and way so that our grandkids will know her faith and love.

Thank you for the encouraging emails and cards. Thanks especially for praying.

Love,
Howard & Ann

Why Keep Asking? (6/30/2007)

Hello to All,

We received relatively good news from the oncologist yesterday morning. The cancer in Ann's bones is still "stable" (unchanged). It hasn't grown since chemo started in September. However, the tumors in her liver did show "progression" (growth) since the last scans seven weeks ago. The doctor was not alarmed because it often takes some time for the chemo to halt the momentum of the cancer. The breaks have been applied, but the car hasn't come to a complete stop yet. She is confident that we should continue with this regimen of chemo because the cancer responded to it. Hopefully our next scans will show that the tumors have stopped growing or perhaps have even begun to shrink.

God didn't answer our specific prayer for "stable." He did give us what we absolutely needed - chemo that effectively attacked the cancer. We would have been devastated at this point had the cancer been unresponsive to this new chemo regimen.

Ann was also encouraged to learn that the "hit by a truck" feeling was a common side effect of the chemo that she receives on Day 8 of each cycle. Knowing this will enable us to manage expectations and schedules, and it should help to keep Ann's mind from wandering into unnecessary places.

As we were leaving the hospital to return to Dallas, Ann remarked that she was at peace with the news and hopeful. I tried to mask my surprise when we got in the car and didn't ask for elaboration. After making a number of calls to update family and friends, I learned the source of her unexpected response. Several had specifically prayed for Ann to have peace and hope after yesterday's appointment. I'm sure many others did as well. Thank you.


I went to a funeral on Monday for the husband of a co-worker who died in a boating accident. He was 43 years old, loved his family, and was active in his church. He left behind his wife and three daughters, of whom the youngest seemed to be about six. His death was a major source of my discouragement over the last few weeks for two reasons.

First, I was again slammed with the reality that we live in a fallen world. No one is exempt from tragedy. Death comes to us all; sometimes without notice. Authors or preachers who claim that God always heals or always answers prayers fail to account for this reality and neglect scriptures on suffering. As I work to rethink my theology of healing, I am forced to review my theology of suffering as well. The two exist in tension.

Second, I was haunted by the question, "What right do I have to ask for Ann's deliverance?" This new widow didn't even have a chance to ask. Others have suffered and died from cancer, why should Ann be any different? On the one hand I have no basis. Our reasons for asking for healing are no more worthy than anyone else's. On the other hand I am God's child by grace and my Father graciously encourages me to ask. The scriptures below are a sampling of the reasons that I will continue to ask.

Keep on Asking:

• Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him... (James 5:14-15)
• If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. (John 15:7)
• Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. (Heb 4:16)
• This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us... (1 John 5:14-15)
• Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up... (Luke 18:1-8)
  
  

Prayer Requests:

• That the test results at the end of August would show that the cancer has stopped growing, that it is once again "stable."
• That we would find his strength in our weakness (2 Cor 12:9) so that we can keep running this race.
• That patience and forgiveness would characterize our relationships (parents to children and children to parents) rather than anger and arguing.
• That God would heal Ann in his time and way so that our grandchildren can know her love and faith.
  

Thank you for praying and caring for us.

Love,
Howard & Ann

Endurance is Overrated (6/27/2007)

Hello to All,

We had a very encouraging trip back to the Midwest. Thanks to all for praying. It was nice to see corn fields instead of parking lots, real trees instead of power lines, and grain elevators instead of office buildings.

In Missouri we saw family and friends on Thursday evening and enjoyed the Yarnell (Ann's dad) family reunion on Friday and Saturday. A couple of trips to her dad's grave, though hard, were a necessary part of the grieving process.

In Iowa the elders of the church publicly prayed for Ann's complete healing. I spoke on Hebrews 12:1-2 and hopefully encouraged many to persevere in their own struggles, to run their race with endurance. We spent some good time with old friends and young aunts. Most importantly, we found time to indulge at the Machine Shed and Hickory Park.

We were greatly encouraged by the love, faith and concern shown by all of our family and friends. Two items are worth a special note:

• A cousin told Ann that he has prayed more for her than he has anyone in his life. We hate cancer, but we are thankful that God is using it to draw people to prayer.
• We had an honest discussion with Pastor Charles about healing and suffering. I respect his integrity with the Scriptures and his understanding of the realities of life. We took heart when he counseled us to keep on praying and trusting Jesus Christ for healing.

The return to Dallas was rather discouraging. Back to traffic. Back to the daily grind. Back to chemo. Round 2 of this regimen was several degrees of difficulty greater than Round 1. Physically, Ann felt like she was hit by a truck for about the last five days. It could have been a lot worse, but is still wasn't much fun. Emotionally, we both ran into a wall. It's tough for Ann to remain hopeful when she feels cruddy. I think I'm just out of gas. I know it should be expected, but it's frustrating nonetheless. Quite frankly we are both tired of the race we have been asked to run. I take comfort knowing that the Psalmists and the prophets often asked, "How long, O Lord?"

We head to Houston in the morning for another round of tests. We meet with the oncologist Friday morning to find out if the new chemo regimen is working.

Prayer Requests:

• That the test results would show that the cancer has stopped growing, that it is once again "stable."
• That we would find his strength in our weakness (2 Cor 12:9) so that we can keep running this race.
• That patience and forgiveness would characterize our relationships (parents to children and children to parents) rather than anger and arguing.
• That God would heal Ann in his time and way so that our grandchildren can know her love and faith.
  

Hebrews 12:1-2:
Therefore, since we have such great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us,
by throwing off every impediment and the sin that entangles us,
let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,
by keeping our eyes fixed on Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith,
who account of the joy set before him, endured the cross, despising the shame,
and he has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Thanks for praying and caring for us.

Love,
Howard & Ann

A Look Back (6/2/2007)

Hello,

Ann has handled the first two doses of Round 1 relatively well. The pattern seems to be that she feels pretty good on Thursday and Friday after the chemo treatment, but gets tired and achy on Saturday and Sunday. Fortunately, she has not been nauseous yet. It has certainly been easier being in Dallas, rather than Houston, for the chemo treatments. It's also helpful that the treatments are just once per week for a few hours and that they only occur two weeks out of every three.

We are planning a quick trip up to Missouri and Iowa this coming week. We will leave after Ann's doctor's appointment on Wednesday and return home in time for Round 2, which begins on Thursday, June 14th. A highlight will be visiting our church back in Perry on Sunday, where I will have the privilege of sharing lessons learned from this last year.

For a change of pace I thought I'd give Ann a chance to share her heart. Here are a few entries from her journal.

May 20th:
My heart is so heavy this morning. It has been the last few weeks. My heart is still aching. I have the fear of the unknown... Psalm 69:19 "Blessed be the Lord who daily bears our burden." Thank you Lord that you know my hurt, my pain. You understand and you are there. There is no guarantee that I will..., but Lord you are still here for me. You are my Father.

May 21st:
All these emotions and fears bottled up inside me. Not sure how I should deal with them. Know in my head and in my heart what is true... Know he loves me. Know he is good, but the pain, the fear, the hurt is still there. Feel like I should read verses and be comforted, but it doesn't happen.

May 27th:
1 Peter 4:19 "Therefore, let those also who suffer according to the will of God entrust their souls to a faithful creator in doing what is right." To you, Creator God, I entrust my hurting heart and soul. Today I choose to put my trust in you for the future. Bear my burden today. Be my strength.

May 29th:
A walk of faith - that is what God has called me to. To focus on him, to see who he is. He knows my hurts; he knows my pain. He knows my fears of the future... I can pour our those fears; I can cry my tears. He understands. He is a God of compassion and mercy. If we know God, we do not need to know why he allows us to experience what we do. Thank you Lord that I know you and that for today I can trust and believe you - that the future is in your hands.

Ann felt good enough over Memorial Day weekend to spend numerous hours in the garage helping me sift through the accumulated clutter in order to toss it, give it away, or put it back on the shelves. Ann took some time to browse through several of her old journals. The four entries recorded above were written fifteen years ago, the year that we had three miscarriages. The "fear of the unknown," the "no guarantee," and the "fears of the future" all related to the question, "Will we ever be able to have another baby?" (This was after Paul and Drew were born, but before Hannah and Matt.)

The feelings recorded in those journal entries were so parallel to her current ones that she was forced to ask, "Did I not learn the lesson the first time? Is that why God allowed me to get incurable cancer?" I concluded the opposite. I believe that because she learned to trust God in the midst of pain and uncertainty fifteen years ago, she is able to trust God with an even more difficult situation. She learned that he was faithful then. He will be faithful now, even when there is no guarantee.

Lamentations 3:21b-23:
This I recall to my mind, Therefore I have hope.
The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.

Prayer Requests:

• That Ann's blood counts would remain strong so that she can receive clearance to travel back to Missouri and Iowa.
• That God would strengthen Ann emotionally for her return home. Pete's in heaven and won't be in his chair.
• That Paul and Drew will be wise and safe while we are gone. We can't afford any more pain.
• That God would use my sermon on Sunday to encourage those needing endurance.
• That God would heal Ann in his time and way so that our grandkids can know her love and faith.
  

Thanks for praying and caring for us.

Love,
Howard & Ann


PS. I forgot to mention that the primary purpose of our northerly trek is to attend a Yarnell family reunion (Ann's dad's family). This will be the first time we've been back in St. Joseph since Ann's dad died two years ago, June 8th. The two older boys, Paul & Drew, will stay here in Dallas to work.

What a Week (5/23/2007)

Hello to All,

It was a great birthday week. Ann's mom arrived on the 8th to stay with the kids while we were in Houston. My mom came down on the 15th to help celebrate Ann's significant birthday on the 17th. Diane, our friend from Australia, also flew in for a few days on her way back to Iowa. Ann's brother and sister-in-law surprised her with a quick visit for the weekend. We capped the celebratory week with a surprise party Sunday evening beautifully executed by Laurie and Joan. Our moms and Diane left on Monday. All the emails and calls, cards and gifts were a great encouragement to Ann. Thanks to everyone for making it a memorable week.

It was also a tough week. Fear and grief peppered the festivities. Staring at an indefinite new regimen of chemo was overwhelming at times. Ann starts tomorrow afternoon with one type of chemo and will receive two types next Thursday. The cycle repeats every 21 days. We return to Houston every two cycles to see if the chemo is effective at keeping Ann afloat. Staring into an uncertain future makes faith and hope elusive.

The week also had a scary test. On the way home from Houston on the 11th, we received a call from Ann's mom reporting that Matt had whacked his eye with a rubber band bracelet at school. Lois and Paul took Matt to the family doctor and we arrived back in Dallas in time to meet them there. After a brief examination the doctor sternly told me to take Matt to the emergency room to see an ophthalmologist. His iris was half full of blood. The thirty-minute drive to the hospital was a tough two-fold test. First, I needed to stay calm because Matt wasn't. Second, I needed to decide if I would still worship God if he allowed Matt to loose his eye, especially since we had just learned that Ann's cancer was growing again. I decided that I would and God decided that he wouldn't.

Hebrews 12:7, 10-11:
Endure your suffering as discipline; God is treating you as sons.
For what son is there that a father does not discipline?

For they disciplined us for a little while as seemed good to them,
but he does so for our benefit, that we may share his holiness.
Now all discipline seems painful at the time, not joyful.
But later it produces the fruit of peace and righteousness for those trained by it.

Prayer Requests:

• That Ann would tolerate this regimen of chemo with minimal side effects and that the cancer would stop growing.
• That Ann would retain a measure of faith and hope, even when she feels crummy.
• That God would heal Ann in his way and time so that Matt's children would know their grandma's love and faith.
  

Even though we haven't responded to many emails of late, we greatly appreciate your notes, whether long or short.

Thanks for caring and praying.

Love,
Howard & Ann