Still Giving Thanks (11/28/2007)

Hello to All,

This last month has been mostly uneventful as Ann completed Rounds 7 and 8 of this regimen. The only issue was that Ann ran a fever for a few days during Round 8. Remarkably, her white blood counts were normal so she didn't need to be hospitalized. The oncologist just gave her some high-powered antibiotics. Amazingly, this is the first fever that Ann has had in the sixteen months since her spleen was removed. Add to that the sixteen rounds of chemotherapy, especially the first eight in which her immune system was severely beaten down, and it is near miraculous. God has graciously protected Ann from illnesses that could have taken her out. God has graciously answered our corporate prayers.

We return to Houston tomorrow evening for another round of tests. The key question is whether the cancer is still "stable" (not growing), even with the reduction in chemo. Ann's scans are Thursday morning and we meet with the oncologist Friday morning. We are cautiously optimistic that the news will be good and that we will be able to change the chemo cycle length from three weeks to four.

What a Difference a Year Makes
Ann and I have discussed how different things are this Thanksgiving compared to last. Last year there was overwhelming fear and uncertainty. Chaos ruled and we coped by focusing on one day at a time. We are still often overwhelmed and we have no certainties except the Word. Yet, the degree of chaos has lessoned substantially and we find ourselves looking at the future. We have already made our reservations for our annual trek to Colorado. Ann has even talked of redoing the kitchen floor and painting the boy's bedrooms. Those things weren't even on the radar last year.

We are still giving thanks for God's goodness and grace. This year's Top Ten List is similar, yet remarkably different, than last year's Thanksgiving List.

10. Family and friends. We continue to be encouraged by your emails and cards. Even though I don't often find the time to respond, please know that those notes are sometimes what enables us to keep going. We continue to be overwhelmed by meals and gifts. Friends are still bringing in meals twice a week. That's incredible. We continue to be humbled by your persistent prayers. I believe that Ann is alive today because God has heard and answered our prayers.

9. Effective Chemo. That first chemo regimen so toxic that it was literally life threatening. This time last year we didn't know how many rounds Ann would be able to withstand. By God grace she went the distance, the full eight rounds. We also didn't know if the next regimen would even work. By God's grace it has worked. The tumors now appear to be "dead" and the oncologist has even reduced the treatment plan by dropping Taxotere from these last two rounds.

8. A "boring" routine. The first six months of this storm were chaos; the last six months have become routine. We spent five days in Houston every three weeks; we now spend two days every seven or eight weeks. Ann received chemo every day for five days straight while in Houston; she now receives just two treatments a week apart here in Dallas. Chemo, blood tests, and scans have become a "normal" part of our life. The side effects are currently minimal and the cancer is stable. As the oncologist previously remarked, "Boring is good."

7. Our kids. We still have occasional melt downs, but we no longer fear that the kids will reject God because of Ann's cancer. On the contrary, we are praying that they will learn trust God in impossible situations – whether times of suffering or difficult ministry assignments – because they have witnessed God's faithfulness during our battle with cancer.

6. Examples. We have been heartened by friends and family like Joe, Terri, Roger, Jackie, Bill, Mike, Betty, Judy, Lisa, Nancy, Mary Sue, and others. Some have been healed miraculously and others naturally. Some have personally witnessed unexplainable healings, others incredible provisions. Some are trusting God for the impossible, others are honoring him through incredible suffering. All are exercising faith. All are mentors for us.

5. Hiking in Colorado. By God's grace Ann made our annual hike to Dream Lake in Rocky Mountain National Park last July. After taking family pictures, we had a brief worship time and prayed once again for physical healing. I could be delusional, but I sense that God answered our prayer that day. We're just waiting for his perfect timing.

4. Prayer. Jesus' challenge in Luke 18:1-8 to never "loose heart" when praying has never meant more to me than now. I've solemnly promised Ann than I will never quit praying for her physical healing – even if the chemo stops working or if the cancer spreads to additional organs – unless she takes her last breath.

3. Word. I started reading the Bible to Ann after we received the initial diagnosis in July 2006. I had nothing to say so I turned to the Psalms. We've continue the practice nearly every night since. I've also spent a significant time studying various passages on healing and suffering, prayer and faith. James 5:13-20 is my anchor and Psalm 103 is my hope. My main regret is that I don't have more time to study.

2. Cancer. I heard others say it and I always thought they were either naïve or delusional. Yet, I can honestly say that I am thankful for this last sixteen months. Cancer is still evil and we are still praying for deliverance. Yet I would not trade the lessons learned for a trial-free life. (I reserve the right to take this one back if Ann dies from this cancer.)

1. Life. From a statistical standpoint, Ann should be in heaven now. If my heart attack had been more severe, I could be there too. Every day is a gift.

1 Chronicles 16:34:
Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good.
His love endures forever.

Prayer Requests:

• That the test results would confirm that the cancer has remained "stable" and that we could transition to a four-week chemo cycle.
• That God would strengthen our friend Paul, and his two young daughters, as they grieve in the coming weeks and months. His wife Gini lost the physical battle with cancer, but gained eternal life in the presence of God.
• That God would physically heal Ann so that she can teach our kids and grandkids that "there is nothing our God cannot do."
• That God would demonstrate the reality of the resurrection from the dead by delivering Ann from the grip of death.
  

Thanks for praying and caring for us these last sixteen months.

Love,
Howard & Ann

A Seaworthy Lifeboat (10/15/2007)

Hello to All,

Dr. Steinert energetically walked into our room Friday morning and announced, "The cancer is still stable!" After a hug and a greeting for each of us, she explained the situation further.

For each of the last several cycles, the radiologist that reviewed Ann's scans concluded that the cancer had progressed (grown) slightly. However, each time Dr. Steinert informed us that she wasn't concerned because the growth was very minimal. She also wasn't sure that she agreed with the conclusion of the radiologist.

This time Dr. Steinert presented Ann's case to a group of oncologists at some sort of symposium in order to confirm her interpretation of the scans. They unanimously agreed that there was no progression of the cancer after all. The slight "growth" in the tumors was actually because the tumors had died. A dead tumor darkens in color and therefore is more visible on the scans. Apparently, there is also some sort of scar tissue that develops around the tumor that also causes it to appear slightly larger.

Dr. Steinert also confirmed that Ann's liver "couldn't be functioning more normally."

What Does this Mean?
First and most importantly, it means that this second chemo regimen has proven to be a seaworthy lifeboat. It is effectively keeping the cancer from engulfing Ann's liver. The significance is that there is not an "imminent disaster" looming before us.

Second, it means that it is safe to tweak the regimen. Ann has been receiving one type of chemo on Day 1 and two types on Day 8. Dr. Steinert recommended eliminating the second chemo on Day 8 for two next cycles to see what happens. If the cancer remains stable, then she will continue with this new lighter regimen. She also may transition to a 28-day cycle rather than the current 21-day. Her goal is to give Ann as little chemo as possible, yet continue to keep the cancer from growing. The significance is that a reduction in chemo should lead to a reduction in side effects and a more "normal" life.

Third, it means this lifeboat should float for an extended period of time. Our doctor previously mentioned a patient who had completed 57 rounds. Ann starts Round 7 of this regimen tomorrow morning. The significance of this cannot be overstated. According to at least one website, Ann has already more than doubled her life expectancy after these fourteen months. God has graciously answered our prayers and extended Ann's life. I firmly believe that Ann would be in heaven now if not for our family and friends who have fervently pleaded with our Father for Ann's life.

What Does this Not Mean?
Ann is not out of the sea. Her new lifeboat is not designed to take her to shore. Medically speaking, nothing can. The significance is twofold. First, we are not trusting in our excellent doctor, the chemo regimen, or in Ann's fortitude. God is our only hope. Second, the need for prayer remains unchanged.

Prayer Requests:

• Thank God for providing a seaworthy lifeboat and for graciously granting Ann life these last fourteen months.
• That our family's relationships would be characterized by patience and forgiveness, rather than arguing and anger.
• That God would physically heal Ann so that she can teach our kids and grandkids that "there is nothing our God cannot do."
• That God would demonstrate the reality of the resurrection from the dead by delivering Ann from the grip of death.

2 Corinthians 1:8b-11
We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.


Thanks for praying and caring.

Love,
Howard & Ann

Confessions of a Skeptic (10/9/2007)

Hello to All,

We continue our trek in the valley between suffering and healing. The journey is a paradox of normalcy and reality, sacrifice and selfishness, faith and fear, hope and despair, endurance and fatigue, expectation and resignation.

Life seemed pretty normal last Monday when we ate corn dogs and funnel cakes at the Texas State Fair and when we fled the city on Saturday to hang out at a nearby state park with several families from church. Reality hits every morning when Ann puts on her wig or as her eyebrows continue to thin.

I was struck by the depth of my own selfishness over the weekend, getting angry about little things with both the kids and Ann, rather than "keeping no record of wrongs." I could excuse myself, assuming that it arose from stress or fatigue, but the bottom line is that there is a lot of sewer in my heart that still needs redeemed (Matt. 15:17-18).

On several occasions recently – usually after some time in the Word – Ann has expressed a measure of confidence that God would physically heal her. She is accepting Beth Moore's challenge to "Believe that God can do what he says he can do." On other occasions – like this morning – Ann lies on the floor weeping, overcome by fear and hopelessness. She identifies with Beth Moore's quotation of a fellow traveler, "It was just too exhausting to maintain a spirit of expectation."

We will leave for Houston after work on Wednesday. The scans are Thursday morning and we will meet with the doctor on Friday. Will our "lull" continue or will it come to a screeching halt?

Confessions of a Skeptic:
Duane Miller's dramatic and instantaneous healing occurred while he was teaching a Sunday School class and it was providentially recorded on tape. He recounts his story in the book Out Of the Silence. On the back cover his pastor, the senior pastor from Houston's First Baptist Church, testified, "Every syllable you will read and hear in this book is true. I was there when it happened."

Why was such a testimony necessary on a book cover? Is it because the excesses of "faith healers" have caused many of us to be skeptical of all healings? Is it because our theology has constricted God to a box smaller than appropriate? I know that I had an easier time believing Duane Miller's story because of his pastor's assurances.

The following two episodes from Richard Foster's Prayer: Finding the Heart's True Home were a tremendous encouragement to me as I wrestled with the validity of healing for today.

St. Augustine:
St. Augustine "doubted the validity of Healing Prayer, stating in his early writings that Christians should not look for the continuation of the healing gift." In 424 A.D. a brother and sister were miraculously healed in Augustine's church at the beginning of a couple of worship services. He was convinced that these healings were genuine and proceeded to set up a process for recording and authenticating miracles. Nearly seventy healing miracles were attested in the two years that followed.

Richard Foster:
Foster chronicles in how own life how his "prejudices against physical healing begin to crumble." He was working in a counseling center and was convicted that his success with patients "was completely explainable by human techniques of psychological manipulation." The experience that challenged him was when he prayed for a World War II veteran who had suffered from fear and bitterness for 28 years. After that prayer, the vet slept peacefully for the first time in decades and was "totally and instantaneously healed" from the hate and sorrow that had imprisoned him.

Other authors, who journeyed from skepticism, are Beth Moore (Believing God), Michael L. Brown (Israel's Divine Healer), James L. Garlow (God Still Heals), and Michael S. Barry (A Reason for Hope).

There are at least two dangers of holding too tightly to a theological system. First, no system accounts for all the biblical data. Second, the trickle down effect from scholar to lay person is often ineffective. For me, the practical outcome of a holding a theology that asserts "some gifts of the Holy Spirit such as … miraculous healings were temporary" was that I no longer really believed in healing miracles at all. My first response when hearing that someone was "healed" was skepticism. In theory I believed that God could heal; in reality I doubted that he ever would. Specifically, I was convinced that he had no intention of healing Ann.

Psalm 30:1-3:
I will exalt you,
O LORD, for you lifted me out of the depths and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
O LORD my God, I called to you for help and you healed me.
O LORD, you brought me up from the grave; you spared me from going down into the pit.

Prayer Requests:

• That we would have the necessary courage to return to Houston for the scans and the doctor's appointment. The reality of our situation often overwhelms us as we walk through the doors of M.D. Anderson.
• That our family's relationships would be characterized by patience and forgiveness, rather than arguing and anger.
• That God would physically heal Ann so that she can teach our kids and grandkids that "there is nothing our God cannot do."
• That God would demonstrate the reality of the resurrection from the dead by delivering Ann from the grip of death.
  

Thanks for praying and caring.

Love,
Howard & Ann


PS. If you know of anyone who needs encouragement to persevere, then feel free to point them my sermon "I Quit" at the following link: http://www.nhbc.net/previous-sermons.php. The date of the sermon was August 12, 2007. You can listen to the sermon via Real Player or iTunes.

Why won't you pray for my healing? (9/21/2007)

Hello to All,

On the one hand life seems kind of "normal" now. Ann went to Matt's football game, Drew's soccer game and Hannah's volleyball game this last week. She spent a good part of last Saturday shopping with Hannah. She cooked a few meals and did the grocery shopping. As the oncologist recently remarked, "Boring is good."

On the other hand the cancer still has its grip on Ann's liver. Toxic chemicals are dripped into her veins twice every three weeks. Ann's body was unable to sufficiently recover from Round 5 so she required a transfusion. The additional activities cause increased fatigue. Despair and hopelessness rule some days.

On other days Ann has a measure of rest and hope. A big factor is encouragement from the Word of God. Ann and I are working through a study on God's attributes. Ann, Laurie, Joan recently started Beth Moore's Believing God: Experiencing a Fresh Explosion of Faith. This incredible study has confirmed many of the things that we have learned this last year. I've been analyzing James 5:13-20, a significant passage on healing.

It seems that this journey of ours is best described as a paradox.


"Why Won't You Pray for My Healing?"
When the oncologist reported the preliminary diagnosis after Ann's surgery last year, I think the news sent Ann into some kind of shock. She didn't show any emotion at all for several days. What does a man say to his wife who just learned that she has aggressive, incurable cancer? With nowhere else to turn, I turned to the Psalms. I began with Psalm 1 and just read out loud while Ann silently lay in her hospital bed with her eyes closed.

We continued the practice after returning home from the hospital. I would read Psalms to her each evening and pray for her strength, grace, and endurance. After a week or so, Ann pierced me with the question, "Why won't you pray for my healing?"

I don't remember exactly how I responded that time, or the several subsequent times that Ann asked me to pray for physical healing. Basically, I was rightly committed to not promising something to Ann – or to the kids – that I didn't think would happen.

Looking back I've identified the following barriers to my willingness to pray for Ann's physical healing.

Experiential Barriers:

• Life is tough. When I was laid off after 9/11 and had to drop out of seminary for a semester, I experienced the truth that Christians are not exempt from hardships.
• Endurance takes great faith. While I was fruitlessly searching for work, I learned firsthand the difficulty of trusting God when he seemed absent. The primary question I wrestled with was, "Is God really good?"
• God uses suffering. The conference speakers that I respected the most were those who had endured incredible suffering.
• God heals naturally. If a person recovers from a disease, God generally uses doctors and medicine to bring about deliverance.
• Godly people die. C.S. Lewis' wife, Keith Wilhite (my preaching professor), Matt's kindergarten teacher and my Grandma all died "prematurely" of cancer.
• Presumption is ludicrous. I refuse to be so arrogant to think that we are more righteousness or have more faith than godly people who have suffered and died before us.

For the record – I still hold to each one of these "barriers." Each accurately reflects the experiences of life in a fallen world.

Theological barriers:

• Miracles were different then. The healing miracles performed by Jesus and the apostles were instantaneous (except Mark 8:23-25) and always effective (except Matt 17:14-20), even in the hardest cases. Therefore, God only rarely intervenes miraculously now, especially in developed nations.
• God is honored through suffering. Therefore, we should only pray for endurance in trials – not deliverance from them.
• We must accept God's will. To live is Christ and to die is gain. Therefore, we should assume that it's God's will for a person with aggressive, incurable cancer to die. I must prepare myself for Ann's imminent death.
• God is sovereign and knows the future in advance. Therefore, his will is set and we pray only to grow in our relationship with him. Prayer changes us; it doesn't really impact the circumstances of life.
• The Word was written to specific historical audiences. We must understand both the biblical culture and ours before making application. Therefore, we cannot claim passages on prayer, deliverance or physical healing as promises from God for us today.

Each of the theological barriers listed above contain two elements. The first is the basic assumption and is identified prior to the "therefore" statement. The second element is the conclusion that I derived from that basic assumption. It is described in the "therefore" statement and is italicized.

For the record – I still believe each basic assumption. Each accurately reflects the biblical data.

However, I have reevaluated and rejected each of my conclusions. Although each may accurately reflect the experience of life, each is erroneous with regard to the biblical data.

This last year has been a journey in evaluating my experience in light of biblical data, rather than evaluating the Bible in light of my experience.

Prayer Requests:

• That the "Mack Truck" side effect would again pass Ann by this coming week. Her next chemo treatment is Tuesday.
• That we would find hope and rest in the character of God as we study his Word in the coming weeks.
• That God would physically heal Ann so that she can teach our kids and grandkids that "there is nothing our God cannot do."
• That God would demonstrate the reality of the resurrection from the dead by delivering Ann from the grip of death.
  

James 5:14-16:
Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up.


Thanks for praying and caring.

Love,
Howard & Ann

God is Mystery (9/3/2007)

I believe that God is. The arrangement of the constellations, the continuity of the sunrise, the majesty of the mountains, the roar of the ocean waves, the uniqueness of each animal species, the complexity of a human cell, the creativity of man, the love of husband and wife, and the miracle of birth – all loudly declare that an intelligent being created it all. God has provided amble evidence that he exists. To draw another conclusion is inexcusable.

I believe that God is mystery. He is incomprehensible, inexplicable, inconceivable, unfathomable, profound, and perplexing. Anything less and he would cease to be God. As God, He shrouds himself in secrecy and his thoughts and deeds are beyond the capacity of my finite mind. Attempts to describe God will fall infinitely short of its intended mark.

Nevertheless, I believe that God is one who reveals himself to man. A mystery. Through the testimony of general revelation and especially the Bible, we can sufficiently, though not exhaustively, know of God.

I believe that God is the only true God. He is Elohim, the most high and powerful God. He is Adonai, my Lord and the Lord par excellence. He is YHWH, the God who is self-existent and enters into covenant with creation and Israel. He is the Most High God, God Almighty, the Lord of the Heavenly Armies, the Holy One, the Ancient of Days, the Judge of All the Earth, the Sovereign Lord, and the Almighty.

I believe that God is a personal being, who intimately relates to his creation. He is not an inanimate force; he is not a disinterested, uninvolved creator; he is not the cosmic force behind evolution. He is my Shepherd, my Rock, the One Who Will Provide, and the One Who Sees.

I believe that God is without need. God does not depend on anything; rather everything depends on Him. God lacks nothing in himself. Nevertheless, he chose to create the universe – not to fulfill a need, but as a loving, self-giving act. A mystery. He is perfectly complete without man; I am entirely empty without him. God is not bound by anything outside himself. He can freely do all that he desires.

I believe God is perfect. God's perfect nature is the measure of all that is pure, correct, and good. God's perfect nature does not change. God's perfect nature is completely fulfilled within himself. His internal well-being is not affected by his creation or mankind. Nevertheless, he condescends, choosing to participate with us in relationship, in which he displays emotions consistent with His nature. A mystery.

I believe God is infinite. God is unlimited and without constraints, both in his nature and in what he can do. God is unlimited in knowledge, comprehensively knowing the past, present, and future. God is unlimited in power. God is not constrained by space. He is absolutely distinct and separate from creation. God is not everything, nor is everything God. Nevertheless, he is present everywhere within creation, yet not confused with it. A mystery. God is not constrained by time. He is without beginning or end. He is outside of time. Nevertheless, he graciously acts in time to relate to His creation. A mystery.

I believe that God is unity. God is not composed of parts, nor are contradictions found in His nature. God is the only God, and God is only one. There is one infinite God, one divine being, one creator of all.

Nevertheless, I believe that God is tri-unity, or Trinity. A mystery. The one God eternally exists as three persons – the Father, His Son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit. Nevertheless, there is one God. A mystery. God disclosed Himself in the Old Testament as having mysterious unity and diversity in his own being and expression. God's self-disclosure is completed in the New Testament. The Divine unity remains – God is one. The Divine diversity is unpacked – God is three distinct persons. The Father is not the Son; the Son is not the Father. The Spirit is not the Son; the Spirit is not the Father. Nevertheless, God is one. A mystery. The Three are each completely and truly God. The Three are each personal, without need, perfect, infinite, and unity. The Divine cannot be divided; the Three cannot be confused.

I believe that the Father is wholly God. He, through the Son and Spirit, is the creator of all things – whether in heaven or on earth. He is the Sovereign Ruler, the King of the Universe. He is the Holy Judge. He is the One who graciously reconciles, sending his only Son as the appeasing sacrifice. He is the One to whom all things will return at the consummation of history.

I believe that the Son, Jesus Christ, is wholly God. The Son is the creator of all things; he is the sustainer of all things. The Son always existed with God, is present everywhere, knows all things, is unlimited in power, and never changes. The Son is the Only Begotten God, God with Us, the King of Kings, the Alpha and Omega. Jesus Christ claimed to be God. He forgave sins; his miracles validated his claims. Jesus Christ freely accepted worship.

Nevertheless, I believe that the Son, Jesus Christ, is wholly man. A mystery. The Eternal Son was conceived by the Holy Spirit in the womb of a young virgin named Mary. A mystery. The divine nature assumed a human nature, yet the two natures remained distinct. In his birth, youth, ministry, and death, he was completely human. Nevertheless, he remained fully God, conscious of his deity, yet not always exercising certain attributes. A mystery.

I believe that Holy Spirit is wholly God. The Holy Spirit is present everywhere, knows all things, and is unlimited in power. The Spirit is a person, not a force, as he has intelligence, volition, and emotions.

I believe that God is mystery.

Can We Trust God? (9/3/2007)

Hello to All,

Ann's blood counts were down when we met with our oncologist in Houston on August 24th. She expected Round 5 to be delayed for at least a few days so that Ann's body could adequately rebound from the previous treatment.

We met with the monitoring hematologist here in Dallas four days later. He informed us that Ann's counts were completely normal. He then quizzed Ann about various side effects. After he learned that Ann hadn't had any fevers, chills, or nausea, he exclaimed, "Well, boring is good."

We continue to be amazed at how God has protected and sustained Ann through a year of chemo. Ann's first treatment began last year on September 7th.


We have wrestled with a number of doubts about God since Ann was diagnosed with incurable cancer on July 28, 2006. Looking back it seems that one or both of us have progressed though these five questions:

1. Why did God allow this? If God really has all power and knows the future, why didn't he prevent the cancer from invading Ann's spleen, liver and bones?
2. What if there is no God? Does God really exist or did we create him to pacify us in difficult times?
3. What good is prayer? Does prayer really make a difference? Why are so many prayers unanswered?
4. What if God's Word is not true? Can we trust promises for eternal life if we don't experience promises for answered prayer or physical deliverance? Does God really keep his promises?
5. Who is God? Is he really good? Can I trust him?

Answering one question often opened the door to the next. I've shared some thoughts on the first four questions in previous emails. I thought that I had dealt with the fifth one when I was laid off after 9/11. I questioned God's goodness as I looked for work in a depressed economy and had to drop out of seminary. I remember being unable to sing worship choruses in church one Sunday morning because the words seemed so untrue. Eventually, however, I concluded that God was good in spite of my painful circumstances.

It seems that my conclusion was not as firm as I had thought. By questioning if God really keeps his promises, I was really asking a more fundamental question, "Is God trustworthy?"

One Sunday evening near Houston, my friend Bill gently corrected me by confidently stating – on the basis of God's character – that God would never deceive me. One morning next to the Big Thompson River in Estes Park, the Lord's reprimand to Job reprimanded me:

Job 40:7-8:
"Brace yourself like a man.
I will question you, and you shall answer me.
Would you discredit my justice?
Would you condemn me to justify yourself?"

Like Job, all I could do was repent.

To remind myself of God's character I dusted off a seminary assignment entitled God is Mystery and re-read it several times. I've attached a version (without all the footnotes) with the hope that it will encourage some of you as well.

Ann and I also found the old study Experiencing God's Attributes out in the garage, which she completed before we were married. We plan to work through this together over the coming months to remind us of who God is.

Prayer Requests:

• That the "Mack Truck" side effect would again pass Ann by this week.
• That we would find rest in the character of God as we study his attributes in the coming weeks.
• That God would physically heal Ann in his time and way so that our grandkids will know her love and faith.
• That God would demonstrate the reality of the resurrection from the dead by delivering Ann from the grip of death.
  

Thanks for praying and caring.

Love,
Howard & Ann

Eating My Words (8/25/2007)

Hello to All,

Dr. Steinert was her typical upbeat self when she walked into the examination room yesterday. She exclaimed, "It looks like you are doing well!" The scans showed that the cancer had basically remained "stable" since the tests eight weeks ago. Ann's lungs are still cancer free and the blood tests show that her liver is still functioning normally. The doctor was also excited to hear that Ann had been able to hike fifteen miles while in Colorado and that she has experienced minimal side effects from the chemo. Apparently, this regimen will wipe some people out so badly that they have to lie in bed for days.

Dr. Steinert's challenge is to balance two competing priorities: to minimize or stop the growth of the cancer and to enable Ann to have an adequate "quality of life." (We both hate that term.) Ann's last regimen was limited to eight rounds because of its toxicity, so I asked if there was a limit to this regimen. The doctor reported that she has a patient who had just completed Round 57. As long as the cancer remains stable and Ann continues to do well, it looks like she will continue this regimen - until God physically heals.

Ann has been receiving chemo treatments for almost a year and it has become a bittersweet part of our routine. Thank you for carrying us through prayer this last year. Ann starts Round 5 on Tuesday.


During seminary I often visited a couple of Half Price Books Stores with my friend Hector in order to find good deals on commentaries and other Biblical reference books. I distinctly remember having this arrogant thought on one of our shopping sprees, "I don't need any of the 'popular' Christian books. I get all I need for daily life from studying the Bible with some good commentaries." I usually didn't even bother to go to the 'Christian Living' section of the store, but just camped in the reference section.

In a previous email I voiced a troubling question, "What if God doesn't really keep his promises?" If you can guess the biblical scholar (before reading the rest of the email) whose careful arguments convinced me that I could trust God's Word, I will wire you $1,000.

I was bored one afternoon last month while shopping with Ann, so I went outside to wait patiently for her in the car. I noticed a small book next to Ann's seat, one that was given to her while we were back in Iowa. I began to scan the first chapter.

The author related the time that her children asked her, "Is there anything God cannot do?" She thought a bit and then replied, "He can't break his promises." After they ran off to resume play, she pondered the implication of what she had just said. She writes,

"If God cannot break his promises, then we know that we can stake our lives and afterlives on them… I can depend on the God of all Creation to do what he says he's going to do. To do otherwise would be to violate his own person. His promises are guaranteed by the same power that keeps the sun in its place and the planets spinning in their orbits."

The book was Gentle Grace and the author was Kathy Lee Gifford. The Holy Spirit used the former star of Regis and Kathy Lee to force me to eat my words and to convince me to trust his again.

Trusting His Word:

• "It is impossible for God to lie…" (Heb 6:18)
• "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful." (Heb 10:23)
• "Not one of all the LORD's good promises to the house of Israel failed; every one was fulfilled." (Joshua 21:45)
• "For truly I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not the smallest letter or stroke shall pass from the Law until all is accomplished." (Matt 5:18)
• "Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock." (Matt 7:24)
  

Prayer Requests:

• That patience and forgiveness would characterize our family's relationships, rather than anger and arguing.
• That the "Mack Truck" side effect would swerve past Ann again.
• That Ann would continue to tolerate the chemo and that the chemo would continue to hold the cancer in check.
• That God would physically heal Ann in his time and way so that our grandkids will know her love and faith.
  

Thanks for praying and caring.

Love,
Howard & Ann

Not by Might (8/19/2007)

Hello to All,

We celebrated our twenty second anniversary this weekend. We kind of had a get-a-way without having to leave home. Matt and Hannah have been with my sister's family in Indiana for the week. Drew was busy with the youth group and work. Paul returned to John Brown University in Arkansas Saturday morning. It was great for Ann and me to just hang out together for the weekend. Cancer can make you appreciate what you do have.

Last year we were engulfed in uncertainty on our anniversary. We had received our diagnosis from the doctors in Dallas, but hadn't had our first appointment at MD Anderson in Houston. We didn't know what chemo regimen we would face; we didn't know what the chemo would do to Ann's body; we didn't know if the chemo would even be effective against the cancer. I hadn't sent out my first email update; I didn't even know if it was OK for me to pray for Ann's physical healing. We didn't know how far the cancer had spread; we didn't even know if Ann would make it to Twenty-two.

Thank you for carrying us in prayer this last year. I believe that we had the physical and emotional strength to endure because of prayer. I believe that we were able to ask tough questions without chucking our faith because of prayer. I believe that the chemo effectively held the cancer in check because of prayer; I believe that Ann's body held up against the toxicity of the chemo because of prayer. I believe that Ann is alive today because of prayer. Thank you and praise God.

Dave and Joan came over last Saturday evening to pray for my sermon. Jim and Laurie sent a text message saying that they were praying. Alan prayed with me before the service. Many of you prayed. It's not that I was nervous. I had taught a form of this message two other times. I had adequately prepared. I would be preaching to our home church. I would be cheered on by many of the families in our home Bible study group.

I just didn't know if I'd have the composure to make it through the message. I broke down numerous times Saturday morning while at Panera Bread putting the finishing touches on my manuscript. I wept several times early Sunday morning as I ran through my delivery. I cried as Alan and the worship team led the congregation in many of the songs that had ministered to us over the last year. Sometimes I found myself grasping for breath in order to hold back the sobbing.

I wondered how in the world I would get through the sermon. As the congregation sang I thought to myself, "Maybe I won't make it. The grief may become so great that I won't have the composure to continue. If so, I could just quit. Everyone would understand…"

I was then hit by the irony of my thinking. You see, my sermon's big idea was to "Keep the Christian Faith. Never quit!"

Pastor Rick sensed my predicament and the Holy Spirit, so just before I went up to preach he put his arm around my shoulder and prayed that God would speak his word through me. As I walked to the podium I knew that God would answer his prayer.

I never lost my composure during the sermon, though I did get choked up numerous times. Surprisingly, I was able to finish each sentence. This was the first time in my ministry that I was more pleased with my verbal delivery than my written notes.

I had gone for a walk that morning to pray for my sermon. The heart of my prayer was that I just wanted the Lord to be pleased with what I said, even if I looked like a fool while saying it. Pastor Rick closed the service in prayer with the words, "Lord, we know you were pleased this morning..." I knew then that God had answered my prayer.

Ezekiel 4:6
'Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,' says the LORD Almighty.

Prayer Requests:

• That Ann can maintain hope in spite of bad news. Ann cratered emotionally today when we learned that another friend has cancer.
• That the logistics would fall in place so that I can attend my grandmother's funeral in Iowa this week (perhaps on Wednesday).
• That the scans (Thursday) and the doctor's appointment (Friday) would confirm that the chemo is killing the tumors.
• That God would heal Ann in his time and way so that we can worship him with our all of grandkids someday in Rocky Mountain National Park.

Thanks for praying and carrying us.

Love,
Howard & Ann

My Rock (8/8/2007)

Hello to All,

Yesterday afternoon we returned from a great trip to Colorado. It was refreshing to be away from the city and the heat, from our responsibilities and our reality. The majesty of the mountains, the roaring of the streams, the splendor of the wildlife, and the delicacy of the flora all served as reminders of God's glory and diversions from Evil's cancer. Ann used the word "surreal" several times.

The attached picture is of our family at Dream Lake. Ann and I made this hike together on our honeymoon twenty-two years ago. We hiked it again on our tenth anniversary when we were contemplating attending Denver Seminary. Now we have hiked it five times with our four kids. We are praying that God will graciously privilege us with making this hike with all of our grandchildren. To do so will truly be proof that God still heals today.

Ann felt great most of the time we were in Colorado. She not only hiked to Dream Lake, she also made several other hikes with us. In total she trekked about fifteen miles. Not bad for a woman who gets tired walking across Wal-Mart's parking lot. Thanks for praying for her endurance. As Ann pressed along the trail, she sang a song she used to sing with our kids:

"My God is so big, so strong and so mighty.
There's nothing my God cannot do."

By faith we made reservations for next summer. By grace Ann will teach this song to our grandchildren as she hikes with them in Rocky Mountain National Park.

This morning Ann started Round 4 of her current chemo regimen.

Psalm 18:1-2:
I love you, O LORD, my strength.
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer.
My God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

Prayer Requests:

• That God would use my sermon (August 12th) in our church in Dallas (www.nhbc.net) to encourage those who are struggling to persevere.
• That we could celebrate our anniversary (August 17th) in hope and not fear.
• That the scans (August 23rd) and doctor's appointment (August 24th) after Round 4 would confirm that the chemo is killing the tumors.
• That God would heal Ann in his time and way so that we can worship him with our all of grandkids someday at Dream Lake.
  

Thanks for praying for Ann's endurance and healing.

Love,
Howard & Ann

The First Six Days (7/23/2007)

Hello to All,

Ann continues to rebound from Round 3. Her energy is improving, which helps her emotions some days. Her liver area usually hurts, not excruciatingly, but it's not comfortable. Is the cancer destroying her liver or is the chemo killing the cancer? We find that "waiting upon the Lord" and "being anxious for nothing" is not as easy as it sounds.

We are now focusing on preparing for our annual trek to Rocky Mountain National Park; we leave on Friday, July 27th. Hiking to a lake or peak is always a reminder of the greatness, majesty and power of God. The enormity and the ruggedness of the mountains – above or below – often overwhelms us. Sometimes it frightens us. If I truly believed the stories in the Bible, wouldn't I be overwhelmed and sometimes frightened by God the Father (Ex. 19:10-25)? By the Lord Jesus Christ (Rev. 19:11-21)? By the Holy Spirit (Acts 5:1-11)? I fear that the image of God that I worship has been too small.

It's been a year since the surgeon removed Ann's spleen in order to diagnose why it had been enlarged for several months. A trip down memory lane might be therapeutic for me and perhaps encouraging for you.

Thursday Afternoon (7/27)
The surgical waiting room looked like a bit like church potluck, save the food. Many of our friends congregated to support us and an energetic bunch from the youth group were there to encourage our kids. I'm so thankful that we had chosen to invest in relationships, even while in seminary. We wouldn't have made it thus far otherwise.

We were hoping and praying that the enlarged spleen had been caused by some type of infection. Leukemia and lymphoma had already been ruled out. When the surgeon finally completed his task, he came into the waiting room and informed me that the spleen was definitely filled with cancer. A preliminary diagnosis would come in the morning.

Friday Morning (7/28)
The oncologist and his nurse DeeDee came into our room to inform us of the preliminary findings. He professionally reported that that the pathologist was 90% certain that Ann had Stage IV Melanoma. It had already spread to at least the liver and probably the lungs. I didn't know much about cancer, but knew from a coworker that melanoma was extremely serious.

DeeDee sensed both our shock and the Holy Spirit, so she stayed behind to pray for us. She said, "God is the God of the 10%" and that he overrides statistics. She then confidently prayed for God to do just that. What an amazing act of faith for a nurse who faces the realities of cancer every day.

I appreciated DeeDee's gesture but knew that God wouldn't answer her prayer.

Friday Afternoon (7/28)
I called some family and friends with the news… If you've made such calls, then no elaboration is necessary.

Ann's mom and brother stayed with Ann for a bit while I went home to tell the kids. How do I tell them the truth without erasing all hope? How do I encourage hope without giving them false hopes? This was the toughest thing I've ever had to do.

Monday Evening (7/31)
I went for a coke at Chili's with my friend Dave because I wanted to know what I was up against at tomorrow's appointment. I forced Dave to confirm the statistics that I already knew. Ann probably had about eight months to live.

Dave attempted to give me some hope with the gesture, "You know, Howard, God could heal her." I recall looking him in the eye and sharply responding, "He could. But he won't."

Tuesday Morning (8/1)
Dave and Joan, Jim and Laurie, Pastor Charles from Iowa, Ann's mom, and the kids gathered with Ann and I before the dreaded appointment, in which we would learn the diagnosis and prognosis. I read three paragraphs from the Psalms (Ps 33:16-22; 55:1-8; and 57:1-8) to the group and several prayed. As I walked to the cars waiting out front, I realized that I had just conducted Ann's funeral.

When we finally saw the oncologist, primed with notepad and digital recorder, we were shocked when he questioned, "What are your symptoms?" Basically, the pathologist had been unable to determine the type of cancer that had engulfed Ann's spleen. But it was definitely not melanoma.

Hebrews 11:17-19:
By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice. He who had received the promises was about to sacrifice his one and only son, even though God had said to him, "It is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned." Abraham reasoned that God could raise the dead, and figuratively speaking, he did receive Isaac back from death.

Could the God who raised Long's Peak really raise Ann from incurable cancer? Is my image of God big enough to believe that he would?

Prayer Requests:

• That God would use my sermon (August 12th) in our church in Dallas (www.nhbc.net) to encourage those who are struggling to persevere.
• That God would overwhelm us with his greatness and power, his ruggedness and holiness, his compassion and intimacy, as we worship him while hiking.
• That God would enable Ann to make it to Dream Lake, where we always take a family picture.
• That God would heal Ann in his time and way so that we can worship him with our all of grandkids someday on the rocky shores of Dream Lake.

Thanks for praying and caring.

Love,
Howard & Ann

Can We Trust His Word? (7/18/2007)

Hello to All,

Thanks for praying for us this last week. The "Mack Truck" didn't hit her this time. It was only a Ford F150. And it didn't even back up and hit her again and again. We are grateful that this round was significantly less difficult than Round 2. Perhaps it's a coincidence. Perhaps God answered our prayers.

We are also grateful that Ann won't have any chemo until August 7th. She's taking a bit of break so that we can make our annual trek to Estes Park, Colorado. We are looking forward to some quality family time and being awestruck by the majesty of God.


I've tried to be honest with our struggles and doubts in previous emails with the hope that others might be encouraged in their own battles. I will continue that modus operandi today, even at the risk of sounding heretical.

Back in college at Iowa State, when I was active in evangelism, I often communicated the good news of Jesus Christ to fraternity brothers, classmates and others. If a person decided that they wanted to place their faith in Christ for the forgiveness of his/her sins, then I would help them communicate that decision to God through prayer. If the person seemed genuine I would read 1 John 5:13, which promises, "I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God so that you may know that you have eternal life (emphasis mine)." I would then state, "It doesn't say, 'Think, maybe, hope, wish, possibly there's a chance.'" I confidently assured him, on the basis of God's Word, that he now possessed eternal life, if he truly trusted in Jesus Christ.

Given our present circumstances we've been forced to reexamine our assumptions about the Bible. Though Ann has moved past the "What if God doesn't exist?" question, she is now wrestling with "What if the Bible isn't true?" I spent too much time, money, and energy during my nine years of seminary to go there. My question is, "What if God doesn't keep his promises?"

The two verses that follow in 1 John contain a second promise:

"And this is the confidence that we have before him: that whenever we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us in regard to whatever we ask, then we know that we have the requests that we have asked from him (emphasis mine)."

I confidently encouraged classmates to trust in the first promise. Can I really depend on this second one? Can I honestly encourage Ann to rely it? Should I encourage the kids to bank on it? If the second promise isn't really reliable, is the first one? Either both promises are true or neither is.

I believe that the following verses are indisputable, rock-sold promises for believers today:

• Remain in me, and I will remain in you. Just as the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it remains in the vine, so neither can you unless you remain in me (John 15:4).
• For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them (Matthew 18:20).
• For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us (Psalm 103:11-12).

If I believe that God keeps those three promises, why do I struggle with the next three? They are recorded in the same passage.

• If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you want, and it will be done for you (John 15:7).
• Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven (Matthew 18:19).
• Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits-- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases (Psalm 103:2-3).

Perhaps they're not really promises. Perhaps they don't mean what they seem to say. Perhaps they just don't apply to us today. Can I really take God at his word?

Prayer Requests:

• That we would leave our tension in Texas while we enjoy a week in Rocky Mountain National Park (leaving 7/27).
• That Ann would have the physical strength to hike to Dream Lake, where we always take our family picture.
• That the chemo would kill the tumors and that Ann's liver would return to normal size.
• That God would heal Ann in his time and way so that our grandkids will know her love and faith.
  

Thanks for listening.

Love,
Howard & Ann

James & Peter (7/12/2007)

Hello to All,

I’m sitting here with Ann in the Infusion Center at Baylor Hospital as she receives another dose of “medicine.” It’s Day 8 of Round 3, which means that she gets the Taxotere (with the “hit by a truck” side effect) in addition to the regular Gemcitamine. The immediate goal is to survive these effects for the next four or five days. A bit of a break follows as Round 4 won’t start until August 7th, when we return from Colorado.

Ann reported that she seems to have moved past the legitimate question, "What if there is no God?" She has become settled in her confidence that God exists. This battle with cancer has tested and confirmed the validity of her faith. Reading the Bible together each night has certainly been a factor. One question answered; only 3871 to go.

Two of the questions that have plagued us from the beginning are:

Why us?
Why did Ann get incurable cancer? Here are some of our current thoughts.

• Physically, there is no known cause for angiosarcoma of the spleen.
• Theologically, we live in a fallen world. Disease and death are a consequence of man's rebellion against his Creator.
• Spiritually, the cancer could have been caused by her sin or mine. However, we have confessed and repented of all known sin, and then some. None of our mentors or close friends have confronted us with blind spots. Thus, we humbly and tentatively conclude that our sin was not the cause.
• Practically, our response is more important than the cause. We know that we are to learn his Word (Ps. 119:71) and to reflect his holiness (Heb 12:10).
• Ultimately, we just don't know why Ann has cancer.
  

Why not them?
If God still heals in our day, why hasn't he healed more often?

• Why didn't he heal my Grandma Hill who died of cancer when I was six or my Grandma Joslin who died of cancer before I was born?
• Why hasn't he yet healed family members and friends who are struggling with difficult illnesses like MS?
• Why didn't he deliver the three families who lost sons in their twenties to cancer, to war, and to an accident?
• Ultimately, we don't know the answer to this question either.
  

James & Peter:
The story of James and Peter recorded in Acts 12:1-19 provides helpful perspective to these two questions. Herod began persecuting Christians by executing James. He then arrested Peter with a similar malicious intent. However, God intervened and miraculously delivered Peter. Why?

• It wasn't because Peter was more righteous than James. Peter was a bit rough around the edges.
• It wasn't because of Peter's faith. He didn't even know that he was really being delivered until he was well outside the prison.
• It wasn't because of the faith of the prayer warriors. The group thought Rhoda was out of her mind when she exclaimed, "Peter is at the door!"
• Ultimately, we don't know why God chose to deliver Peter from death and James through death. The text doesn't say. By faith we know that, somehow, in his wisdom and love God purposed it this way.
• Ultimately, if Ann is physically healed from this cancer, it will be because of God's grace and plan.

Hebrews 11:35b-39:
Others were tortured and refused to be released, so that they might gain a better resurrection.
Some faced jeers and flogging, while still others were chained and put in prison.
They were stoned; they were sawed in two; they were put to death by the sword.
They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated
--the world was not worthy of them.
They wondered in deserts and mountains, and in caves and holes in the ground.
These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised.

Prayer Requests:

• That the “Mack Truck” would be a bit kinder and gentler this round.
• That the chemo would kill the tumors in Ann’s liver and that the liver itself would return to its normal size.
• That we can persevere in our hope for healing by trusting in God's character and his Word.
• That God would heal Ann in his time and way so that our grandkids will know her faith and love.

Thank you for the encouraging emails and cards. Thanks especially for praying.

Love,
Howard & Ann

Why Keep Asking? (6/30/2007)

Hello to All,

We received relatively good news from the oncologist yesterday morning. The cancer in Ann's bones is still "stable" (unchanged). It hasn't grown since chemo started in September. However, the tumors in her liver did show "progression" (growth) since the last scans seven weeks ago. The doctor was not alarmed because it often takes some time for the chemo to halt the momentum of the cancer. The breaks have been applied, but the car hasn't come to a complete stop yet. She is confident that we should continue with this regimen of chemo because the cancer responded to it. Hopefully our next scans will show that the tumors have stopped growing or perhaps have even begun to shrink.

God didn't answer our specific prayer for "stable." He did give us what we absolutely needed - chemo that effectively attacked the cancer. We would have been devastated at this point had the cancer been unresponsive to this new chemo regimen.

Ann was also encouraged to learn that the "hit by a truck" feeling was a common side effect of the chemo that she receives on Day 8 of each cycle. Knowing this will enable us to manage expectations and schedules, and it should help to keep Ann's mind from wandering into unnecessary places.

As we were leaving the hospital to return to Dallas, Ann remarked that she was at peace with the news and hopeful. I tried to mask my surprise when we got in the car and didn't ask for elaboration. After making a number of calls to update family and friends, I learned the source of her unexpected response. Several had specifically prayed for Ann to have peace and hope after yesterday's appointment. I'm sure many others did as well. Thank you.


I went to a funeral on Monday for the husband of a co-worker who died in a boating accident. He was 43 years old, loved his family, and was active in his church. He left behind his wife and three daughters, of whom the youngest seemed to be about six. His death was a major source of my discouragement over the last few weeks for two reasons.

First, I was again slammed with the reality that we live in a fallen world. No one is exempt from tragedy. Death comes to us all; sometimes without notice. Authors or preachers who claim that God always heals or always answers prayers fail to account for this reality and neglect scriptures on suffering. As I work to rethink my theology of healing, I am forced to review my theology of suffering as well. The two exist in tension.

Second, I was haunted by the question, "What right do I have to ask for Ann's deliverance?" This new widow didn't even have a chance to ask. Others have suffered and died from cancer, why should Ann be any different? On the one hand I have no basis. Our reasons for asking for healing are no more worthy than anyone else's. On the other hand I am God's child by grace and my Father graciously encourages me to ask. The scriptures below are a sampling of the reasons that I will continue to ask.

Keep on Asking:

• Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him... (James 5:14-15)
• If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. (John 15:7)
• Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. (Heb 4:16)
• This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us... (1 John 5:14-15)
• Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up... (Luke 18:1-8)
  
  

Prayer Requests:

• That the test results at the end of August would show that the cancer has stopped growing, that it is once again "stable."
• That we would find his strength in our weakness (2 Cor 12:9) so that we can keep running this race.
• That patience and forgiveness would characterize our relationships (parents to children and children to parents) rather than anger and arguing.
• That God would heal Ann in his time and way so that our grandchildren can know her love and faith.
  

Thank you for praying and caring for us.

Love,
Howard & Ann

Endurance is Overrated (6/27/2007)

Hello to All,

We had a very encouraging trip back to the Midwest. Thanks to all for praying. It was nice to see corn fields instead of parking lots, real trees instead of power lines, and grain elevators instead of office buildings.

In Missouri we saw family and friends on Thursday evening and enjoyed the Yarnell (Ann's dad) family reunion on Friday and Saturday. A couple of trips to her dad's grave, though hard, were a necessary part of the grieving process.

In Iowa the elders of the church publicly prayed for Ann's complete healing. I spoke on Hebrews 12:1-2 and hopefully encouraged many to persevere in their own struggles, to run their race with endurance. We spent some good time with old friends and young aunts. Most importantly, we found time to indulge at the Machine Shed and Hickory Park.

We were greatly encouraged by the love, faith and concern shown by all of our family and friends. Two items are worth a special note:

• A cousin told Ann that he has prayed more for her than he has anyone in his life. We hate cancer, but we are thankful that God is using it to draw people to prayer.
• We had an honest discussion with Pastor Charles about healing and suffering. I respect his integrity with the Scriptures and his understanding of the realities of life. We took heart when he counseled us to keep on praying and trusting Jesus Christ for healing.

The return to Dallas was rather discouraging. Back to traffic. Back to the daily grind. Back to chemo. Round 2 of this regimen was several degrees of difficulty greater than Round 1. Physically, Ann felt like she was hit by a truck for about the last five days. It could have been a lot worse, but is still wasn't much fun. Emotionally, we both ran into a wall. It's tough for Ann to remain hopeful when she feels cruddy. I think I'm just out of gas. I know it should be expected, but it's frustrating nonetheless. Quite frankly we are both tired of the race we have been asked to run. I take comfort knowing that the Psalmists and the prophets often asked, "How long, O Lord?"

We head to Houston in the morning for another round of tests. We meet with the oncologist Friday morning to find out if the new chemo regimen is working.

Prayer Requests:

• That the test results would show that the cancer has stopped growing, that it is once again "stable."
• That we would find his strength in our weakness (2 Cor 12:9) so that we can keep running this race.
• That patience and forgiveness would characterize our relationships (parents to children and children to parents) rather than anger and arguing.
• That God would heal Ann in his time and way so that our grandchildren can know her love and faith.
  

Hebrews 12:1-2:
Therefore, since we have such great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us,
by throwing off every impediment and the sin that entangles us,
let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,
by keeping our eyes fixed on Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith,
who account of the joy set before him, endured the cross, despising the shame,
and he has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Thanks for praying and caring for us.

Love,
Howard & Ann

A Look Back (6/2/2007)

Hello,

Ann has handled the first two doses of Round 1 relatively well. The pattern seems to be that she feels pretty good on Thursday and Friday after the chemo treatment, but gets tired and achy on Saturday and Sunday. Fortunately, she has not been nauseous yet. It has certainly been easier being in Dallas, rather than Houston, for the chemo treatments. It's also helpful that the treatments are just once per week for a few hours and that they only occur two weeks out of every three.

We are planning a quick trip up to Missouri and Iowa this coming week. We will leave after Ann's doctor's appointment on Wednesday and return home in time for Round 2, which begins on Thursday, June 14th. A highlight will be visiting our church back in Perry on Sunday, where I will have the privilege of sharing lessons learned from this last year.

For a change of pace I thought I'd give Ann a chance to share her heart. Here are a few entries from her journal.

May 20th:
My heart is so heavy this morning. It has been the last few weeks. My heart is still aching. I have the fear of the unknown... Psalm 69:19 "Blessed be the Lord who daily bears our burden." Thank you Lord that you know my hurt, my pain. You understand and you are there. There is no guarantee that I will..., but Lord you are still here for me. You are my Father.

May 21st:
All these emotions and fears bottled up inside me. Not sure how I should deal with them. Know in my head and in my heart what is true... Know he loves me. Know he is good, but the pain, the fear, the hurt is still there. Feel like I should read verses and be comforted, but it doesn't happen.

May 27th:
1 Peter 4:19 "Therefore, let those also who suffer according to the will of God entrust their souls to a faithful creator in doing what is right." To you, Creator God, I entrust my hurting heart and soul. Today I choose to put my trust in you for the future. Bear my burden today. Be my strength.

May 29th:
A walk of faith - that is what God has called me to. To focus on him, to see who he is. He knows my hurts; he knows my pain. He knows my fears of the future... I can pour our those fears; I can cry my tears. He understands. He is a God of compassion and mercy. If we know God, we do not need to know why he allows us to experience what we do. Thank you Lord that I know you and that for today I can trust and believe you - that the future is in your hands.

Ann felt good enough over Memorial Day weekend to spend numerous hours in the garage helping me sift through the accumulated clutter in order to toss it, give it away, or put it back on the shelves. Ann took some time to browse through several of her old journals. The four entries recorded above were written fifteen years ago, the year that we had three miscarriages. The "fear of the unknown," the "no guarantee," and the "fears of the future" all related to the question, "Will we ever be able to have another baby?" (This was after Paul and Drew were born, but before Hannah and Matt.)

The feelings recorded in those journal entries were so parallel to her current ones that she was forced to ask, "Did I not learn the lesson the first time? Is that why God allowed me to get incurable cancer?" I concluded the opposite. I believe that because she learned to trust God in the midst of pain and uncertainty fifteen years ago, she is able to trust God with an even more difficult situation. She learned that he was faithful then. He will be faithful now, even when there is no guarantee.

Lamentations 3:21b-23:
This I recall to my mind, Therefore I have hope.
The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.

Prayer Requests:

• That Ann's blood counts would remain strong so that she can receive clearance to travel back to Missouri and Iowa.
• That God would strengthen Ann emotionally for her return home. Pete's in heaven and won't be in his chair.
• That Paul and Drew will be wise and safe while we are gone. We can't afford any more pain.
• That God would use my sermon on Sunday to encourage those needing endurance.
• That God would heal Ann in his time and way so that our grandkids can know her love and faith.
  

Thanks for praying and caring for us.

Love,
Howard & Ann


PS. I forgot to mention that the primary purpose of our northerly trek is to attend a Yarnell family reunion (Ann's dad's family). This will be the first time we've been back in St. Joseph since Ann's dad died two years ago, June 8th. The two older boys, Paul & Drew, will stay here in Dallas to work.

What a Week (5/23/2007)

Hello to All,

It was a great birthday week. Ann's mom arrived on the 8th to stay with the kids while we were in Houston. My mom came down on the 15th to help celebrate Ann's significant birthday on the 17th. Diane, our friend from Australia, also flew in for a few days on her way back to Iowa. Ann's brother and sister-in-law surprised her with a quick visit for the weekend. We capped the celebratory week with a surprise party Sunday evening beautifully executed by Laurie and Joan. Our moms and Diane left on Monday. All the emails and calls, cards and gifts were a great encouragement to Ann. Thanks to everyone for making it a memorable week.

It was also a tough week. Fear and grief peppered the festivities. Staring at an indefinite new regimen of chemo was overwhelming at times. Ann starts tomorrow afternoon with one type of chemo and will receive two types next Thursday. The cycle repeats every 21 days. We return to Houston every two cycles to see if the chemo is effective at keeping Ann afloat. Staring into an uncertain future makes faith and hope elusive.

The week also had a scary test. On the way home from Houston on the 11th, we received a call from Ann's mom reporting that Matt had whacked his eye with a rubber band bracelet at school. Lois and Paul took Matt to the family doctor and we arrived back in Dallas in time to meet them there. After a brief examination the doctor sternly told me to take Matt to the emergency room to see an ophthalmologist. His iris was half full of blood. The thirty-minute drive to the hospital was a tough two-fold test. First, I needed to stay calm because Matt wasn't. Second, I needed to decide if I would still worship God if he allowed Matt to loose his eye, especially since we had just learned that Ann's cancer was growing again. I decided that I would and God decided that he wouldn't.

Hebrews 12:7, 10-11:
Endure your suffering as discipline; God is treating you as sons.
For what son is there that a father does not discipline?

For they disciplined us for a little while as seemed good to them,
but he does so for our benefit, that we may share his holiness.
Now all discipline seems painful at the time, not joyful.
But later it produces the fruit of peace and righteousness for those trained by it.

Prayer Requests:

• That Ann would tolerate this regimen of chemo with minimal side effects and that the cancer would stop growing.
• That Ann would retain a measure of faith and hope, even when she feels crummy.
• That God would heal Ann in his way and time so that Matt's children would know their grandma's love and faith.
  

Even though we haven't responded to many emails of late, we greatly appreciate your notes, whether long or short.

Thanks for caring and praying.

Love,
Howard & Ann

The Answer is "No" (5/12/2007)

Hello to All,

We met our oncologist yesterday noon in Houston. Unfortunately, the news was not as good as we had hoped. The cancer had started to grow again in the Ann's liver. The existing lesions had increased in size. Numerous new lesions also appeared in her liver.

This news is completely disheartening and overwhelming, but not unexpected. Chemo doesn't kill angiosarcoma. In fact the doctor was encouraged that Ann's break was as long as it was. She was also encouraged that the cancer had not spread to other organs and that the tumors in her bones remained unchanged. Things could have been much worse.

We will meet with an oncologist in Dallas on Tuesday and hope to start chemo on Monday, May 21st. This new regimen will consist of a three week cycle administered in Dallas. The first Monday will be one type of chemo, the second Monday two types, and the third will just consist of blood work. After two cycles we return to Houston for tests to see if it is working, if it is keeping the cancer at bay. There is no limit set for the number of cycles for this regimen.

We specifically prayed that God would give Ann another break for Mother's Day. He said no.

• Does this mean that God doesn't answer prayer? No.
• Does this mean that God has abandoned us? No.
• Does this mean that God won't answer our ultimate prayer for healing? No.
• Does this mean we should quit praying? No.
  

Ten years ago in April Ann and I took a random business trip to Dallas. By the end of July we had migrated here to attend Dallas Theological Seminary. We never had a guarantee that we would make it, but we knew that God wanted us to try. It was rather foolish - with a wife and four kids - to sell our house in Iowa, buy a house in Dallas, quit my job in Des Moines, move to Dallas, and receive a job offer in Oklahoma on the way down. Yet, God honored our foolishness for his sake and made it all work. I graduated a year ago today.

I have no guarantee that God will choose to heal Ann, but I know he wants me to pray to that end. It's rather foolish to believe that God will heal incurable cancer; he doesn't do that any more. Prayerfully, he will honor our foolishness.

Prayer Promises:

• Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. [Luke 18:1]
• If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. [John 15:7]
• Is anyone among you ill? He should summon the elders of the church, and they should pray for him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick and the Lord will raise him up. [James 5:14-15a]

Prayer Requests:

• That a spot will open up in Dallas for Ann to start treatments on the 21st. Currently, they are booked.
• That God will strengthen Ann's heart, mind, and body to face chemo after such a nice break. She's having a tough time.
• That God will heal Ann in his time and in his way so that our grandkids can know Ann's faith and love. This remains our ultimate prayer.
  

Thank you for praying and caring for us.

Love,
Howard & Ann

A Bear and a Lion (5/5/2007)

Hello to All,

The last five weeks have seemed fairly normal and that is great. Cancer is still a big part of our lives, but it hasn’t been as oppressively big as it was over the last nine months.

Ann and I went to the Dallas Arboretum last Friday, something we had wanted to do for about a year and a half. We enjoyed marveling at God’s creative beauty and just hanging out. We talked about prayer and faith, suffering and healing. We talked about daily life and the kids, work and the future. We hadn’t had a “normal” afternoon together – one that didn’t include chemo or a doctor – in a long time. We even topped off our big afternoon with a visit to Sam’s Club.

We head back to Houston this Wednesday (5/9) for tests and will meet with the oncologist on Friday (5/11). We are both cautiously optimistic that the cancer will still be stable and that the break from chemo will continue.

What is the basis for our confidence? God has delivered us in the past, especially in response to heart-felt and persistent prayer. George Guthrie, in his commentary on Hebrews write, “Yet in the biblical literature, faith suggests a firm trust place in God, who has shown himself faithful in his dealings with his people.”

Here is our Big 12 list:

12. His provision of financial support for six years while Ann served with Campus Crusade for Christ.
11. His provision of financial support for Howard’s summer mission project in Japan.
10. His gift of a husband for Ann by her 28th birthday. (I may not be God’s gift to women, but I am His gift to Ann.)
9. His gift of Hannah (1 Samuel 1) and Matt (“gift of God”) after three miscarriages.
8. Moving to Perry, Iowa to be involved with the youth group of our church.
7. Moving to Texas to attend Dallas Theological Seminary.
6. Sustaining our family when I was unemployed and underemployed for nine months following 9/11. (Ann and I were without health insurance for about a year.)
5. Sustaining our family and keeping us intact after eight and a half years of seminary.
4. Allowing my heart attack to occur after graduation but prior to Ann’s diagnosis of cancer.
3. Motivating a friend of a friend (now our hosts in Houston) to rattle folks at M.D. Anderson to move our initial appointment up 19 days.
2. Sustaining Ann through eight rounds of aggressive chemotherapy.
1. Sustaining our faith and hope through this last year.


1 Samuel 17:34-37:
But David said to Saul, "Your servant has been keeping his father's sheep. When a lion or a bear came and carried off a sheep from the flock, I went after it, struck it and rescued the sheep from its mouth. When it turned on me, I seized it by its hair, struck it and killed it. Your servant has killed both the lion and the bear; this uncircumcised Philistine will be like one of them, because he has defied the armies of the living God. The LORD who delivered me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine."

Prayer Requests:

• That God will fill us with his peace (Isaiah 26:3) as we wait for the test results next Friday.
• That God would give Ann another break from chemo for Mother's Day.
• That God would heal Ann so that her grandkids can know her love, character, and faith.
  

Thank you for your continued prayers. We really wouldn’t be here today without the prayers of our family and friends.

Love,
Howard & Ann

Keith Tally: The God Who Delivers (4/3/2007)

October 25, 2006


Hey, Howard and Ann,

Laura & I've been thinking of you guys, praying for you.

God has been reminding me of something that happened to my dad when I was in high school. It's a "farm story" -- has references to manure -- but hopefully it's a true life parable that you can find some encouragement from.

One fall evening, I came home from football practice to find out that my dad was in the hospital. He was ok, but had been through a traumatic experience.

We had just added a new manure (animal waste) pit to the end of our farrowing house. The mother and baby pig building. The first litters of pigs had just arrived. My dad looked in a manhole cover on top of the pit, and saw a plastic pig waterer had fallen into the pit. He decided to fish it out with a hoe that was lying nearby. He reached in, and couldn't quite reach it. He reached a bit further. The waterer was on top of what waste was just starting to fill the pit. In reaching in further, he now found himself with his head, both arms and both shoulders inside the pit, with his legs outside the pit, kind of just touching the ground. Most of his weight was on his hip bones, on the concrete along the edge of the pit cap.

This was about 1:00 in the afternoon. He spent the next 4 hours or so in that position, as he couldn't get either of his shoulders back out of the hole to pull himself out. He considered diving in the rest of the way, but wasn't sure that his hips would fit through the opening, and if he was hanging even lower down, he might not be able to keep his head above the waste. Or if he did make it in, how or when he'd get back out. What he did do, to make sure he didn't slip in farther, was to wedge the hoe into the corner of the walls near the hole, and use that to hold up some of his weight. It wasn't the greatest tool for that job, but it was all he had. The marks in the walls later were a reminder of his struggle during that time.

Often, the fumes in a pit like that are enough to kill a person. But because it was just recently starting to fill for the first time, there was less of that than there would be normally. And dad said later, that when he felt like he was losing his breath, a breeze would blow through the opening on the other side of the pit, and give him a bit of fresh air.

And also, one of our farm dogs -- Penny -- a Border Collie, German Shepherd mix, stayed with him during that time. I think he could reach one of his hands outside the hole, but not his arm, and she would lick his hand.

Eventually, Mom began to wonder where Dad was. My younger brother had come home on the bus. Dad heard the bus, and tried to yell for help when he thought Kevin would be reaching the top of the lane after getting off the bus, but for some reason, the driver had driven up the lane, and dropped Kevin off in the front yard. So by the time Dad started yelling, Kevin was inside the house, and that resulted in Dad being in the pit awhile longer. When mom finally found him, she called for the ambulance, but also called a couple neighbors, one of them being Estle Foster. Estle came right down. Estle was the neighbor that Dad would call on for help with a lot of the bigger jobs on the farm, and Dad would help Estle with the big jobs at his place.

Mom & Estle were there with dad, and maybe the other neighbor, an older man. They were trying to figure out how best to get Dad out. Should they wait for the medics? What was the best way to lift him out? How many guys would they need to lift him? After talking for a bit, Estle, in a voice that I can hear in my mind, even though I wasn't there, said,

"He's been in there long enough."

Estle walked over, grabbed Dad's legs, and all by himself, and probably with some adrenaline assist, heaved him up out of that hole.

I don't know much else of what happened, and some of the details may not all be totally correct, but I do know this -- Estle was the kind of neighbor that you could count on. And when he decided that Dad had been in there long enough, you knew he was going to do all that he could do to get him out.

God has reminded me of that phrase from time to time -- that there is always a point where he looks down at us and says, "He's been in there long enough." He sustained the children of Israel while in slavery, but eventually, the day came when he said, "They've been in there long enough. " He has seen us in our sin -- trapped, unable to help ourselves out. And he has sustained us -- kept us alive. But he sent his Son, Jesus, to tell us, "You've been in there long enough." He lifts us out. Trials come our way, and we wonder if we're going to make it, but somehow, God helps us through. And out.

Sometimes God grants us sustenance -- just what we need to stay alive. A hoe in your hand, a breeze with some fresh air, a loyal dog staying with you, licking your hand. But God also grants us deliverance. It's only a matter of time.

Keith

A Nice Break (4/3/2007)

Hello to All!

The last four weeks have been fantastic. No chemo, no needles, and no trips to Houston. This was our longest break since September. Ann's pep and energy is returning. Her eyebrows and eyelashes are growing and she even has a little fuzz on her head. The anti-depressant the doctor prescribed helped take the edge off of the darkness, hopelessness and grief.

We had two great weeks of Spring Break during this last month. The three younger kids were off first. Ann was able to have a date for a day with each of them individually. Then Paul came home for a week and we had a great time with him as well. We really enjoyed the simple things: telling our day's "Highs & Lows" around the dinner table; watching the Dallas Mavericks win 9 games in a row; pigging out on chips and salsa at a local Mexican restaurant; and laughing while playing a board game with some friends. Thank you for praying for our Spring Break.

We returned to Houston last Wednesday for scans and an appointment with a "complementary care" doctor who talked with us about nutrition (including supplements), exercise, and stress management. He felt that all three items were critical in helping the fight with cancer.

We met with the oncologist on Friday to review the results of the scans. She excitedly told us the good news, that the cancer had remained stable over the four week vacation from chemo treatments. It had not grown at all. In fact she said the lesions on Ann's liver "kind of looked dead." These were by far the most optimistic words that we have heard from her. We are a long way from shore, but we are incredible grateful for where we are. Thank you for praying for our break from chemo.

The plan now is to take a six week break before returning to Houston for more tests and a visit with the oncologist just before Mother's Day. Please pray that another break from chemo will follow this one. We truly believe that Ann is where she is because of prayer.

Psalms 103:1-5:

Praise the LORD, O my soul!
With all that is within me, praise his holy name!
Praise the LORD, O my soul!
Do not forget all his kind deeds!
He is the one who forgives all your sins,
who heals all your diseases,
who delivers your life from the Pit,
who crowns you with his loyal love and compassion,who satisfies your life with good things, so your youth is renewed like an eagle's.

Prayer Requests:

• That God will fill us with his peace as we trust him during these next six weeks.
• That God would give Ann another break from chemo for Mother's Day.
• That God would heal Ann so that her grandkids can know her love, character, and faith.

"She's Been In There Long Enough"

I have attached an email that I received from Keith, a close friend from college, who grew up on a farm outside Clarinda, Iowa. Keith describes how a neighbor rescued his dad from a manure pit after exclaiming, "He's been in there long enough." The story is a picture of God's deliverance and was a great encouragement to us. Perhaps it will help you to trust "The God who Delivers" in your own situation.

Thank you for loving, praying and caring for us.

Love,Howard & Ann

A Timely Test (3/3/2007)

Hello to All!

Our doctor reported excellent results from Thursday's scans. The tumors in Ann's liver and bones remained stable, unchanged now over the last twelve weeks. Ann's lungs continue to be free of cancer. Most importantly, her liver is functioning normally, which indicates that the cancer present there has not caused damage.

The tests also confirm that Ann has held up remarkably well to the toxicity of the chemo. Her kidneys are functioning normally, which is unusual after eight rounds of this chemo regimen. Ann's brave heart is also functioning normally in spite of the chemo.

Thank you for praying this week for Ann. She was surprisingly calm yesterday as she endured the tests and was even relatively calm before today's appointment. Thank you for praying for Ann these last eight months. It may just be a coincidence that the chemo is killing the cancer without killing Ann. However, I'd be willing to bet that God is answering the persistent prayers of his people.

Dr. Steinert reiterated that "stable" is great news because it means that the cancer is not growing. The cancerous briquettes might have completely gone out, or they might still be smoldering. Time will be our test.

Four weeks without chemo. No blood work. No needles. No transfusions. No hospitals. The return to normalcy is welcome.
Four weeks without chemo. No sparring with the cancer. No lifeboat. Waiting and wondering. Walking by faith is frightening.

Please continue to pray. Now is the real test.

Luke 18:1:
Then Jesus told them a parable to show them they should always pray and not lose heart.

Hebrews 11:6:
And without faith it is impossible to please God,
because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists
and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

Thank you for carrying us this far.

Love,
Howard & Ann

A Toxic Lifeboat (2/28/2007)

Hello to All,

We head back to Houston Wednesday evening for another set of tests on Thursday morning, in order to see if the chemo is still effectively holding the cancer at bay. We will anxiously wait until Friday at 1:00 pm to learn the results.

By God's grace and in answer to your prayers Ann has held up for the maximum of eight rounds with this chemo regimen. The side effects were minimal and manageable - many patients struggle to survive five or six rounds. Most importantly the cancer shrunk by 50% after the first two rounds and another 50% after the next two. The cancer remained "stable" (i.e. not growing) after six rounds. We are praying for "no sign of disease" after eight.

This trip will be unusual because it will not include the five days of chemotherapy. The plan is for Ann to take a four week break without chemo. Tests will follow that break. If the cancer remains stable, then she will take another eight weeks off. However, if the cancer starts to grow again, then she will start a new regimen of chemo. If this new regimen is required, it would be administered in Dallas. We would just need to return to Houston for regular testing.

We are grateful to have come this far. In September it seemed impossible. How would we stay afloat? Yet, God has sustained us through the prayer and care of our family and friends. We know that God is real because we have felt his love though you.

We are relieved to have this break from chemo. Every three weeks for the past 25, Ann was hit with another wave of chemo about the time she started to feel better. We are praying that Ann will begin to feel somewhat "normal" - both physically and emotionally - during this reprieve. Some laughter would be good. Some quality time with the kids over Spring Break would be great.

We are apprehensive about what the future will bring. The chemo has been Ann's lifeboat, protecting her from the raging sea. It was safe and it became routine. However, it was also toxic. Staying in the boat is now more dangerous than fighting the sea, so Ann must leave the safety of the lifeboat and climb back into the sea. She will tread water as long as she can. Only time will tell if she is close to shore or an impossible distance from land. If she starts to go under, another lifeboat is available. It will certainly be less toxic, but it comes with no guarantee of effectiveness. It may float for a long time, or it may not float at all. It is designed to protect her from the sea but not to carry her to shore.

We are hopeful in the One who is greater than a lifeboat. We have hope in life after death because Jesus paid for our sins by the cross and he conquered death by the empty tomb. Ann trusted in Christ's death and resurrection as a little girl and knows that her future in heaven is guaranteed. We also have hope in life rather than death because the One who walked on water and calmed the sea can deliver Ann with or without a lifeboat. The ferocity of the waves and the distance from shore are irrelevant. The gospels demonstrate Jesus' ability and willingness to heal.

Thank you for praying for us. You have kept us from going under and may in time bring us to shore.

Prayer Requests:

• That God would calm the storm in Ann's heart as we wait for Friday and as we tread water this month.
• That Ann would begin to feel "normal" physically and emotionally as she takes a break from chemo.
• That we could have some quality time as a family over Spring Break. Laughter, normalcy, rest.
• That God would completely heal Ann so that our grandkids might know her. (Thanks to my friend Keith for this emphasis.)
  

Luke 8:23b-25a:
A squall came down on the lake, so that the boat was being swamped, and they were in great danger. The disciples went and woke him, saying, "Master, Master, we're going to drown!" He got up and rebuked the wind and the raging waters; the storm subsided, and all was calm. "Where is your faith?" he asked his disciples.


Love,
Howard & Ann

The Final Round? (2/9/2007)

Hello to All,

I remember standing in the lobby of M.D. Anderson back on September 1st, making phone calls back to Dallas and elsewhere. The doctor had just confirmed that Ann had angiosarcoma. The initial treatment plan would consist of an aggressive 6-8 rounds of chemo, which would require Ann to live in Houston for the first five weeks and then every third week after that. I remember being overwhelmed with questions like "What will the chemo do to Ann?", "Where will the kids stay?", and "How will I manage work?".

Ann starts her eighth round of chemo this afternoon. There were certainly times when we wondered if we would make it this far. Yet here we are. God has proven his strength and love. Here are the "BigTen" reasons that we made it through these eight rounds.

11. Health insurance.
10. A flexible and accommodating work schedule.
9. Meals and gifts, cards and emails from family and friends.
8. Our kids - for their patience, resilience, and child-like faith.
7. Dave & Joan, Jim & Laurie - for walking with us because they walked it before us.
6. Bill & Sue - for providing a safe refuge in Houston.
5. Our mom's - for putting their lives on hold to keep ours from falling apart.
4. Ann's toleration of the chemo - It set her back, but it didn't knock her out.
3. The effectiveness of the chemo - The tumors shrunk by 50% twice, are now stable, and perhaps dead.
2. Prayer - ours and yours.
1. The Bible.

Prayer Requests:
* That this "last" round of chemo will completely douse any smoldering tumors.
* That the cancer would not return when we take a break from chemo.
* That God will fill Ann with hope in his character and deliverance.
* That God would heal Ann in his time and way so that she can know our grandkids.

Ps. 62:11-12
One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard:
that you, O God, are strong, and that you, O Lord, are loving.


Thank you for your continued prayer and concern,
Howard & Ann

The Stability of Our Faith (1/20/2007)

Hello to All,

Our doctor walked in to the exam room and cheerfully announced, “The scans are fine. The cancer is stable.” Her emotions and words seemed a bit contradictory, especially since we expected continued shrinkage of the tumors and were quietly hoping for “no sign of disease.”

However, she explained that angiosarcoma tumors are often initially very responsive to chemo, but then begin to stabilize. She assured us that stable is good. In fact it is difficult to tell via the scans if the cancer is dormant or dead.

This is the picture that I came away with. Ann’s liver is like a Weber grill and the tumors are charcoal briquettes. The scans show that the briquettes are about the same size as they were six weeks ago. Unfortunately, the scans can’t tell us if the briquettes are still smoldering, or if they have gone out. Only time will tell. If the tumors begin to grow after taking a break from chemo, then we’ll know that the briquettes were still on fire. To be honest we would rather walk by sight.

Popping The Question:
When we first learned that Ann had angiosarcoma, I asked the doctor in Dallas about her prognosis. He stated that it was too early to tell. Life expectancy would depend on the aggressive nature of her cancer and its responsiveness to the chemo. The worst case – aggressive and unresponsive – might mean a year.

We had intentionally chosen not to discuss that topic with our doctor in Houston, but the subject came up Friday as we asked questions like, “What chemo would be used for the next regimen?” and “How long can a person be on chemo?” We were encouraged and relieved when Dr. Steinert assured us that we were not in that worst case scenario. Medically speaking, there is no reason to expect that Ann would miss Hannah’s next birthday.

Do we put our trust in the doctor or the chemo? No. Does this bit of encouragement help us to walk by faith? Absolutely.

Our Rock:
My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly trust in Jesus’ Name.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

Matthew 7:24-25:
Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.

Prayer Requests:

• That God would continue to enable Ann to tolerate the chemo for rounds 7 & 8.
• That God would fill us with hope in his character and deliverance as we put his Word into practice.
• That God would heal Ann in his time and way so that she can know our grandkids.

Thank you for your continued prayer and concern,
Howard & Ann